Friday, December 26, 2008

Goal!!

This time is a perfect time to reflect on your life goals. What do I wish to accomplish? Where do I want to be in one year? How many pounds will I weigh next year? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I'm compiling a list of things I want to accomplish this year. They may not be lofty goals like solve world hunger or health centered like lose 40 lbs. That's my secret list. These are things I just feel I may need at some point so I'm making this the year! 2009 will be a year full of challenges!

1. Increase my "Head Shoulder Knees and Toes" foreign language collection. I've got English and Japanese and that's it folks! My goal is to attack my youngest brother when he gets home from his mission and learn it in Spanish. Why? Because you never know when you might be on TV and need to fill about 30 seconds of time. Just following an essential boy scout rule…be prepared!!

2. In 2009 I will learn to make rolls. Mine always fall flat, always! This is to further seal my team position on the "Red Dawn" team. You people need me…I make delicious carbohydrate fillers!

3. Beat Guitar Hero III on medium. Yes, that means adding the fourth pinky button. I will conquer it with the Band name "Crazy Chickens." Prepare yourself Guitar Hero for a dance with destiny. You will be defeated!

4. Create a cd of silly songs for my nieces and nephews. If I'm super ambitious maybe I'll write a few songs and sing a few on the cd but maybe it will just be a collection. I must do it because if I have learned anything this year, it is that music is impressionable to children's minds. Not only do they love it at the time but they will remember it 22 years later in the middle of the night and won't be able to stop singing the song for days! Peek into my mind for a minute and you'll hear: "I've got a new way to walk, walk, walk. I've got a new way to walk and it feels just fine!!" Thank you Sesame Street!

5. Spend more time with our friend, D. Because he may be a genius and one of the last truly individual thinkers in this world. He is the most quotable man on the planet.

6. Fight a french-canadian. I'd love to monkey punch one of those suckers! (that is a D line - see #5) Maybe it doesn't have to come to fisticuffs but I think it would be seriously satisfying. I suppose I could just flick a FC with my fingernail.

7. Lastly, start a croquet club. It's a classy game in need of a revival.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My new favorite thing

Forget my love of all things Will Ferrell, I have found a new thing to love!! Snuggies! I'll make a believer out of you too. Check out this informational commercial or infomercial, aren't words almost as fun as Snuggies??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0


A blanket with arms?!? A modern marvel...I can be warm and inadvertently look like a monk! How great is that? Its functional too...I can change the channels and call in to buy my Snuggie! I love the commercial too, it's a whole family of monks eating, reading, watching tv. It makes me giggle every time.

Is it wrong to want one just because it makes me laughs every time I see it or say the word Snuggie? Wouldn't Snuggie be a great name for a rat dog or a british band?

"Hello out there, we are the Snuggies! Enjoy our new song - Wrapped in Warmth."

I'm giggling even now. I know in my mind it is ridiculous, this is why we have sweaters and coats and armless blankets. But my frost-bitten arms are begging to be warm and functional.

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a Snuggie....

Love,

Ellen

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!
















Monday, November 24, 2008

Tis A Good Day

When you realize...you still got it! Though you may be 27, you can still crank out a quality five page research paper with bibliography in less than two hours! Yeah for brains!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Turkey Lurkey Doo and a Turkey Lurkey Dap

It is coming!! The high holy holiday of delicious eats and cheer! What better holiday is there really? It's been a while since I've made a list argument of reasons why I love something so here it is! Reasons I deem Thanksgiving the best holiday:

  • You get two, count them two free days off of work, making it a glorious long weekend.
  • You get to eat special sides that take so long to make you only make them once a year. Can I get some frozen cranberry salad love ya'll? That's what I'm talking about!
  • What other time is it even remotely plausible for a 27 year old woman with no children to shush people because she can't hear the parade on TV and they don't think she's a wackadoodle?? It's a life dream of mine to see the parade in person some day, first I have to make a friend in NY who will then let me commandeer their home for cooking festivities.
  • Turkey & Stuffing. If I'm ever in a situation where I am requesting my last meal, that would be it ya'll.
  • Sister has started a family tradition in her home. They have a tree branch and every night each family member takes a leaf and writes something they are thankful for and hangs it on the tree branch. My sweet toddler-aged niece said she was thankful for lipstick last night. Indeed. We have an entire holiday dedicated as time to allow us to be grateful for our blessing. We live in a free country, the majority of us have roofs over our heads, vehicles, meals on our tables and lipstick in our bathrooms. I try to take some time to make a list each year. I was there the year brother-in-law came home from 2 years in Paraguay and at Thanksgiving with the family he said, "This is more food than some families see in a whole month." We have much to be grateful for.
  • You get to gather with loved ones. Josh and I don't get the chance to be with family on Thanksgiving often and this year we have the privilege of being loved by my dear friends family. The greatest thing about Thanksgiving day is that you realize no matter where you are, when you smell that Turkey cooking and you help set the table and everyone hugs you, you are home no matter where that is. It should always be a day of open doors and open arms.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! If you are now craving frozen cranberry salad...email me. I'll share the recipe.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Joshy's Uber Quirky Time

Quirk One: I have a strict morning routine that I following. I shower and dry in the exact same pattern every day. If the groove is disrupted serious repercussions ensue.

Quirk Two: I am a compulsive towel liner upper. Both in bathrooms and in kitchens over the stove handle. I will do it in acquaintance's homes. They don't dry evenly if they are askew.

Quirk Three: I sleep in the same position every night. More of a necessity than a quirk but there it is.

Quirk Four: I have been know to purposely anger Ellen over trivial matter just to witness the fury. When Ellen is angry I find her adorable. She pouts, stomps, and lobs at me things like shoes, remote controls, blunt heavy easily reachable objects... mind you we are fighting about where we might go for dinner. Here is the kicker, I do this all because in mid-tantrum inevitably I can charm a laugh out of her and it just makes her more mad but she is laughing and so.....I win.

Quirk Five: I will read anywhere between two and six books at once. Well not at the same time just concurrently. Whichever one is closest to my perched position I will read it.

Quirk Six: When shopping at in electronic sections at stores (especially computer sections) I tend to butt into conversations between other customers and idiot sales people that wouldn't know the difference between a USB port and a hole in the ground. I feel a moral obligations to save random strangers from purchasing more than they need to thus foiling geek squad's regime. I HATE THOSE GUYS.

OOxxOOXoXXx
Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I just play an innocent bystander on Television

http://calebhawsfamily.blogspot.com/

Thursday, November 6, 2008

$32.08

I have a virtual shoebox full of unusual websites that I regularly visit hidden under my bed. I like to keep them to myself, but in response to the awesomeness of this item I found I'm going to share one. I frequent http://www.foundmagazine.com/ because I love people when they unintentionally expose a part of themselves. I think it's funny and beautiful and inspiring. I think actually you could categorize most of my shoebox websites as "Society Sushi" sites! Raw and delicious. Society Sushi….I should patent that stat.


Found magazine is a site/magazine where people submit letters or photos that they have found. You'll see that a lot of people just find them on the floor or in the street. Everything from grocery lists, to high school love letter are submitted. But this gem I found on the site a few days ago -


$32.08 for a new career and it can be bought with a MasterCard. Why am I paying for college when a brighter future awaits me at TJ Maxx? These are life's deep questions. Along with why did Juicy Fruit gum change colors from white to neon yellow? Now I feel like I'm chewing on a highlighter nubbin. AND why does my shred box at work have "No Hot Ashes" printed on it. Was there a rash of shredder box fires from cigarette butts I haven't heard about? AND lastly, what better curse in the world could there be than this, http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3238/2747765341_61c54384ae_o.jpg Flea infested armpits. Not comfy.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Scary Stories

Pee-wee: Some night, huh?
Large Marge: On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building... And when they pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this...
Pee-wee: Aaaaaahh!
Large Marge: Yes, Sir, the worst accident I ever seen.

Scared the living day lights out of me as a child! I'll be the first to admit, I'm easy to scare. It doesn't help that I'm fun to scare as well. I was born with a severe fear twitch reaction. Scare me when I am sitting down and my body uncontrollably does the armadillo curl. But scare me when I'm standing up, beware the full body twitch landing in the ninja stance. Because apparently my reaction to attack is to KARATE CHOP! If I'm ever attacked I plan on defending myself with Deadly Karate Chop! Ye Be Warned….

I'm susceptible to all kinds of scares. Books - "Even Scarier Stories 2" I'm still haunted by the Old Lady putting together the puzzle story. And I recently learned Sister was making up stories all out of her own imagination. No one can even commiserate with me about the horror that is "Shh-POMP!" I still shutter when I hear the noise….

Movies get me too. I have a standing list of movies I just refuse to see and I will not see a scary movie in the theater. People laugh when you armadillo in movie seats. You should have seen me watching "I Am Legend." I was a total wreck.

But what is the worse? Real people scares.

Older Brother loves to scare people, is for fun. We had a basement in our house that Sister, Older Brother and I all had our bedrooms in. After 9:30 pm all bets were off concerning safe navigation through the basement. You knew he was going to be out in force. You always had two things against you: the basement was practically built for it, lots of blind corners and multiple stairways and the man has infinite patience.Ten years later and two specific scares still stick out to me.

We had a fridge in our basement that Mom kept drinks in. I got up one night and snuck off to go get a late night drink, leaving the lights off to complete the sneakiness of the behavior. I successfully navigated to our additional fridge and just as I opened the door….WHAMMO! He was curled up in a ball on top of the fridge and as I reached for my drink he reached down and grabbed my arm. REALLY? Who does that!!

On a dark cold night, I was leaving the bathroom we shared to go back to my room and all the lights were out so being very wise I peaked around all the corners heading back to my room. All was clear, he must be asleep. I shut off the bathroom light and as a precaution I still ran for it. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! I went into karate chop mode. I think he bruised. Probably the worst scare of my life…. Where did he come from the coast was clear!! I had checked around the corners at eye level, I didn't expect him to be lying flat on the floor.

As such, I'll be passing on any haunted house outings this season. "I don't have to see it, Dottie. I lived it."

Monday, October 20, 2008

Flashbacks

My brain periodically gets set on perpetual shuffle. Random thought rush past me like crazy. Most of the time though, I'm like a broken CD player, random songs just spit out of me with no warning. About 60% of things that are said to me make me think of a song and I'd like to just have a Rodgers & Hammerstein moment right there! However, I usually keep it on the inside because wow, I would look crazy. I guess I could embrace that urge and get a job that allows me to have random singing moments and still blend in. Maybe a music teacher or a DMV employee. It's an option, I'm keeping my doors open.

I would guess that the majority of people know the songs I reference. But this morning I got the privilege of jamming to this beauty:


"Awesome possum watch him go,
How he does it I don't know,
He can climb right up a tree-E-E!
Defies the laws of gravity."

I have really cool relatives that live in Australia. They came to visit when I was about 8 and brought with them Don Spencer's Australia & Animals CD. Possum was one of the tracks. Imagine the Google search I did to find the artist and cd name. You find strange things when you Google Awesome Possum, like this shirt....


The internet really is a pit of weirdness.
Back to Don Spencer, the CD had 17 songs, I only remember 4. "Kookaburra", "Tasmanian Devil", "Possum" and my favorite "It's a Marsupial!" I learned today that Don Spencer is a combination of Peter, Paul & Mary meets Mr. Rogers for Australian children. He has done a lot of great work setting up a music foundation in Australia. Not to mention his daughter married Russell Crow. I must say, my hat is off to you Don Spencer. You write really catchy jingles.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Captain Quirk

Conquering Quirks... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Auntie Ellen Enterprise. Its mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Amy tagged me today. Here are the rules, here are my quirks.

Rules:

Link the person who tagged you (check)
Mention the rules on your blog (check)
Tell about six quirks of yours (check)
Tag six fellow bloggers to do the same (check)
Leave a comment to let them know (check)

Quirk One: Even if you are a stranger who appears to have leprosy I will tuck your t-shirt label in for you if it is sticking out the back of your shirt. I used to think I was being nice, but the older I get the more I think it is because I know I will think about you for days!! Seriously can't you feel it tickling your neck? Great googly moogly! I get itchy just thinking about it.

Quirk B: When someone is typing or talking and changes their counting mechanism as I just did. From numbers to letters. Straighten up and fly right.

Quirk Tres: I must be the last person to use the restroom before bedtime in the house. I will hold it and wait until I am sure final flushes have happened and then get up and go.

Quirk Four: I'll say it first, this one is just crazy. I have to roll my excess seatbelt material up into a cylinder that I tuck under the bottom part of the latch on my airplane seatbelt. It assures me safety in each flight. And check out my aliveness, I'm telling you people, this works like a charm.

Quirk Five: I read magazines from the back. That is where all the good stuff is anyhow.

Quirk Six: I must seperate M&M in this fashion in order to eat them. By color first. Then I must eat them until all colors have an equal number. Then I eat by color, I eat all the greens, then the reds etc. However I leave one of each color so that my last bite can be one mouthful that includes all colors.

I tag:

Joshy
Shannon
Jen
Beth
Lead Farmer
Staci

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Close All Borders!

Sometimes this closing the border business sounds pretty serious. I vote we don't mess around, let's get American about it. All or nothing baby, let's close all borders! Keep out the Canadians too! Bwah ha ha ha! (that's the evil laugh)

Why? Because, they are the Decepticons of the border jumpers. They match. They swoop in take jobs from Americans and good jobs too. Acting jobs, rock star jobs, get out you stinking Northerners! And really the Mountie?.... Not to mention, Canadians are evil. Bet you didn't know. It's hard to tell because they are so pale, some of them - honestly - transparent even. Pale but evil, proof is in the pudding. Look, what evil masterminds Canadians are. They built tiny spy mechanisms into their coins. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16572783/ Seriously in their coins? That is Dr. Evil type stuff….Dr. Evil he was totally Canadian!!

Other Canadians hiding amongst us:

Celine Dion: Well tuned trumpet that someone is playing to make albums and apparently the rest of the world is a lot more forgiving of the twitchy than I am. She is like the Megatron of the Canadians in our country.

Pamela Anderson: Enough said.

Anna Paquin: is it just me or does she always appear to be on the edge of melting?

Keanu Reeves: Boring.

Avril Lavigne: I know people who love her music, I still take offense.

See they only take the good jobs!!

Wait…I can hear my sister now. Yes, we could learn from Canada. It has limited redeeming factors. I'd love free health insurance. I'd also love to have the good view of Niagara Falls. But they are in cahoots with the French and that is unacceptable.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Eat more beef

Shhh....I have an insider tip. Want to know where all the hooligans hang out? Where the mini mobs plan there hits? It is where the ruffians go on a Saturday night. This may surprise, but it has a "C" that rhymes with "T" and that stands for trouble. My insider tip came from a local police officer.

I was a passenger in a vehicle that was pulled over for a wide turn this weekend. And Officer Trusty comes to the window and asks us why we thought we had been pulled over, could it be the sixth person riding in the trunk area of the vehicle that was now lying on the floor that he didn't notice? Nope, it was because of a wide turn. He then asked for license and registration and as our driver pulls the documents out he gets looking around the vehicle and says suspiciously with the cop drawl, "You ladies coming from Chickfila?"

There you have it ladies and gentleman!! Chickfila! Be advised, apparently some serious shenanigans involving those delicious waffle fries take place. And if you must eat there just remember, spicy mustard dip will temporarily blind an attacker. Grab the corner of the packet and pull with force and the package will do the rest for you. It automatically spits every flipping time!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Lenny Briscoe, you are a delight!!

If L&OJA (Law & Order Junkies Anonymous) has taught me anything, I've learned to keep my desire of being cast in a walk-on role alive!! First, I don't care which L&O it is. Original Flavor, SVU, Criminal Intent, Miami Vice….love them all!!! Okay Miami Vice doesn't exist but if it did, I'd watch it. Why? Because they are all great. I am slightly uncomfortable with the saxophone rendition of the theme music for Criminal Intent, but they have Goran so they are forgiven. Do you understand the level of my nerdiness for Law & Order? You know it is bad, when Josh and I will watch the simultaneous TNT & USA marathons and we get disappointed because we have already seen both of the episodes currently airing. I knew it had entered a new realm when I recognized the kidnapped child in an SVU episode as a repeated actor from an episode in Original Flavor series. And that is why my hope is alive, if crappy boy actor can be seen in two episode why wouldn't they want me for one episode! Here is the dream: I either want to be the dead or the jury forewoman.

As the dead you usually get a few lines before the opening credits or at least a few dramatic shots of you jogging in the park or dancing at a party or fighting with a member of the other sex. Then they cut to the credits and when they come back the tell tale signs of police tape and there I would be, dead as a doornail. Not to mention I want to die gross. Throw me off a building, smoosh me with a train, poison me with acid. LOVE IT!! For heavens sake, don't let me be asphyxiated everyone on L&O dies by asphyxiation. And I want something secretive to be found in my autopsy so the detective has to go to the M.E.'s office. Maybe I recently got a tattoo and the new ink that was used was lace with some magnetic item that made me trackable by my gang who killed me cause I crossed enemy lines or something. See then the DA can sue everybody - the gang, the tattoo artist and the ink maker!!

Second scenario: I'm the jury forewoman. This one is just awesome because you get to be on screen a lot if it is the right episode in regular work clothes. You get to nod a lot, maybe look shocked and on the rare episode maybe pass around Exhibit P1-L. Passing around the exhibit is always one of the things you hope for because it could be a photo but it could be the gun in a bag, or the blanket of the baby in which case I could shed a tear and steal the show! Secret fact about me, I can cry on demand. Law & Order - you need my skillz!! And then my big moment….

Judge: "Jury forewoman, has the jury reached a verdict?"
Me, the jury forewoman: "We have."
Judge: "Please read it to the court."
Me, the jury forewoman: "In the case of Todd Sven vs. the State of NY we the jury find the defendant…"

And for the love of all things Jack McCoy, I hope I get to say guilty because that sweet moment is when we viewers all envision bad guys rotting in jail for 15 years to life! That moment is what we live for on L&O. Somebody queue the theme music. Doo, doo! And then the saxophone…wah, wah, wah!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dress for your day

I had a teacher in high school who would give you 10 free points on your finals if you came dressed up on the day of the test. Why? Because you were dressed for success. Wow, I felt you all roll your eyes from here. Listen I'm not stuffy. I'm not about to say that I want to see everyone go back to pantyhose, high heels and three piece navy with purple trim ladysuits. And I'm not about to claim to be the best dressed or even right on target every day with my fashion. But could we invent an appropriate meter and issue to everyone?

My work relaxed the dress code recently. "Dress for your day" they call it. It rocks. We get to wear jeans when we aren't interacting with customers. We can wear tennis shoes, even the occasional nice t-shirts. It's a great benefit. Love it. But there are always line-crossers and so it begins. We dress for our day and apparently some people's day involves a booty call. I know we don't have a booty call department. I also didn't know that we had a step aerobic department. Just because it is a skirted sweatsuit does not make it any more appropriate, you are still in sweats! And baseball hat man? Seriously.....

I hear in schools now they give kids stickers. Red if you were bad, yellow if you were okay and green if you were good. One day as a surprise maybe the people from What Not to Wear could come to my work and pass out Appropriately Dressed stickers. Stacy & Clinton would have a field day! And the worst dressed person could be on their show and cry about the difference it has made in their life. I hear the sound of a daytime Emmy!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Band name

In the illustrious words of Willy Wonka - "Mumbler! Seriously I can't understand a word you are saying!" However thanks to the incessant mumbler I frequently converse with I now have a great band name! We were a distance a way from each other so here is how the conversation went down and I'll write exactly what I heard not what she said.

Ellen: Wow, that guy can be high maintenance sometimes.

Mumbler: ::mumbling tones::, you seem to be strictly amigos though.

Ellen: STRICTLY AMIGOS??

Mumbler: What?? Seriously you are so weird some times.

How great is the band name Strictly Amigos? I'm already designing shirts. The first shirt would look like you were wearing a sombrero and then slid it off your head and had it hanging around your neck.... you know, the front of the shirt shows just the image of a string the back has a big imprint of a sombrero and on the rim of the sombrero is printed Strictly Amigos. I'd wear it.

Our first album could be called En Fuego. And the cover can be three chihuahuas dressed up like this...


I tell you I am on to something here. Now I should go learn to play an instrument. Viva Las Strictly Amigos!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Breaking up is hard to do....

You know when you get on haunted house rides at amusement parks they have signs that say "This ride uses smoke machines, loud noises, Hannah Montana music?" I'm starting to think more places in my life need warning sign. Either that or I'm higher maintenance than I thought.

Texas Roadhouse is what I would consider a pretty macho restaurant. Peanut shells you can throw anywhere, only a fork and a knife needed to eat, lots of steak. It's an all American man cave! This is why the Texas Roadhouse sneak attack was so effective. There I was I'm happy with my dinner, eating along listening to the dinner conversation and suddenly I realize, "Hey, this song is a lot louder." And then the waitresses are scrambling and then OH NO!! Yes, yes.... Last night I sat at the Texas Roadhouse watching my waitress "YEEHAW!" and boot-scoot between tables. Honestly, does this make my steak taste better? Because wow, uncomfortable.

Texas Roadhouse, do I have to add you to the banned restaurant list? Joe Crabshack is already there for this offense. No dancing waitresses. And the sneakiness of making it a new added feature, it was like finding out after 4 years of marriage your husband doesn't like pumpkin cookies! (true fact)

I suppose it adds variety to the waitresses job. In the time we were there they had to dance twice and yes, they had two different routines. Maybe some customers like dancing waitresses?? Is it the same group of customers that like the singing lady that comes to your table at the banned by Ellen Italian restaurant?

Texas Roadhouse, I think we should try a trial separation. I feel like you've been withholding your true self from me. You are no longer in the circle of trust. If at some future point, you do decide to get rid of the boot-scoot - call me.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"They should have sent a poet."

Things you can learn on the Internet:

Early Greeks believed that lightning was a weapon of Zeus. Thunderbolts were invented by Minerva the goddess of wisdom. Since lightning was a manifestation of the gods, any spot struck by lightning was regarded as sacred. Greek and Roman temples often were erected at these sites, where the gods were worshipped in an attempt to appease them.

The Moslems also attributed lightning and thunder to their god. The Koran says "He it is who showeth you lightning and launches the thunderbolts."

Scandinavian mythology alludes to Thor, the thunderer, who was the foe of all demons. Thor tossed lightning bolts at his enemies. Thor also gave us Thurs-day. In the pantheistic

Hindu religion, Indra was the god of heaven, lightning, rain, storms and thunder. The Maruts used the thunderbolts as weapons.

Umpundulo is the lightning bird-god of the Bantu tribesmen in Africa. Even today their medicine men go out in storms and bid the lightning to strike far away.

Even Santa Klaus gets into the act with his reindeer Donner (thunder) and Blitzen (lightning).

Things you can learn in real life:

At some points in your life you have those moments where you know you are seeing one of the most beautiful, rare things you will ever see. Tonight we experienced that. We've filmed it so hopefully you can understand. The rumble of thunder has been constant for 90 minutes now and what you'll see is lightening from one view in video one to show how often it was striking and from a 360 view in the second video so you can see how brilliant and all encompassing it is.

I find myself unnerved by the frequency, strength and rumble and yet drawn and overwhelmed by the illumination. I stand all amazed.
video
video

Friday, August 22, 2008

New Jobs and their Titles

I get to start a new job on Monday it has a very lengthy name. Agency Field Support Staff. AFSS. I'll be working for my wonderful company still, just in a different department with our sales force. I'm already playing with my job title. I like the AF part because it is true, but I understand from the other SS crew that the job is much more than support. Here are some of the potential ideas....

Super Slueths
Secret Samaris
Spectacular Stars
Sassy Secretaries
Sanity Specialists

Not that I'd get it put on my card. I just want to think, "Ellen Haws Agency Field Secret Samari at your service" when I introduce myself. Because really how rad is that??

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Assumptions

I know what they say about people who assume... however I can't help myself. Part of my daily job involves me looking at handwriting. Most of the handwriting is just normal and doesn't catch my attention but like everything there are diamonds in the rough. And I have to tell you I have convinced myself that I can tell which of those special few are written by a author that is happy, who is sad, who is angry and that the one man in particular is evil!!

I see things come in from Body Shops with cheerleader handwriting on them. Not to the extreme of hearts instead of dots over the letter i but seriously this was the girlfriend we all had in high school that practiced her alphabet until she found her own style...remember that girl?? Well guess what? She works in a Body Shop now and she's still using that handwriting she perfected in eighth grade. All the practice paid off!

There is always the writing that is near to impossible to read. I find myself doing a Scooby Doo right there in my cubicle. Tilting my head to one side, one ear higher than the other "Hoooo?" You know the Scooby Doo! If that doesn't work I squint, maybe invert the image, tap my finger on my desk a few times and then wish I had a Urim and Thummin of my very own. This always leads to a phone call, which opens up a whole other world. Body Shops are a interesting place. They are mini worlds in and of them self most of them run by total domination and/or mass confusion. I always feel like a character on Star Trek who is being beamed onto an unknown new planet, I must brace myself for whatever character I might encounter.

But in the black whole of body shops there is evil penmanship man! In my mind when something comes across my desk from him I see a big meaty hand crushing a writing utensil in a throbbing sweaty fist massacring ink across the page in a horrific scene of scrawling numbers and letters that resemble something like a name and a claim number. It's awful and he's awful. I dread the day he leaves something off and I have to call him. I can hear his devil voice now thanks to all the movies that have given me that sound. He's totally a mouth-breather that even over the phone his breath smells too warm as he hollers at me..."It's a Toyota Corolla!!!!" I shudder at the thought. I'm seriously considering keeping holy water in my desk to sprinkle on my phone just in case. Fortunately I only have to worry about it for two more days and then this gets to be someone else's problem.

Hooray for promotions!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Practice

Last weekend I got the coolest opportunity of all time! Sometimes working for a multi-million dollar company pays off and it pays off big time!! That and knowing the right people! The Great and Powerful Jody hooked me up big time. She let me be her ride-buddy, which meant I got to go. She's the best really. I am sure karma will help me find a way to pay her back.

I got the opportunity to go see the Arizona Cardinals at their training camp in Flagstaff! It was so neat. I arrived at work and was loaded on to a charter bus like a band member then were bused two hours north to Flagstaff AZ to Northern Arizona University Campus.

Let me side track for a moment. Flagstaff maybe one of the most beautiful spots I've seen in a while. Pine trees galore, the air had a sweet scent, a cooling breeze. And I love campuses. I really should become a college professor because something about being on a college campus thrills me. Okay sorry I digress....

Once we arrived in Flagstaff we were taken up to the outdoor practice field and given our State Farm VIP passes. VIP pass - I felt an immediate surge of power, what adventures awaited me?


The first adventure was one of the best rainstorms I've seen in a long time. So practice was immediately moved inside and we got to run through the rain from the outside field to the inside field. The best part though was that we got to run the field!! Yes yes, I did an end-zone dance. I didn't make it on TV but I felt victorious!

Check out the action behind us! We sat right at the fifty yard line on the front row.

Interesting facts:

Did you know kickers essentially do nothing at practice except hassle ball boys? Yeap. That's what they do. Periodically they practice setting the ball and then they hassle the ball boy some more.

Don't dog wide receivers when you say you are going to go to dinner with them. They don't take kindly to it and you get to hear about it for about 10 minutes before practice.

Warm ups are also a time for giggling.

The trainers work 5 times harder than the players during practice. I watched a trainer doing an exercise with every single athlete he put through it. So each athlete maybe did it 5 times, he took 10 athletes through it, so this trainer did it 50 times that day. Those guys are heroes!

As practice was winding down they moved us out onto the side lines and started passing out sharpies. We were going to get a chance to get something signed!! Holy crow! I was nervous, like asking the hottest boy on the Olympic team to prom nervous. But I got my wits about me and Jody and I did our best to blend in with the small children and smile a lot, and thank a lot.

Here are some of my favorite highlights......




Bertrand Berry & the two of us. He is huge!!
















Ellen & Kurt Warner











Jody & Coach Whisenhut













It was totally awesome!!! So now there is a reason to come visit AZ in August. My state is redeemable in the summer, I knew it!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Street Sign Tourettes

"Recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker"

Ellen: It is Josh's confession time. He has a serious case of street sign tourettes. Before you print up SST awareness shirts, this may be a one man disease maybe we just need a charity walk in a park with no signs. The dear soul that I love has a problem with reading street signs aloud and he drives through our city. The above phrase breezes through his lips each time we pass through Recker, which happens to be the main street that we live on in Mesa. There is even a method to it. He says the word exactly ten times.

Josh: I don't even have to count! It's a natural born rhythm, it just happens. I don't read the signs every time. Just when there is a lull in the conversation... and we are just sitting there... and God presents me with cool word in big green and white letters. TRY it... It is not as easy as you think.... Feels good tho... doesn't it.

Ellen: The problem extends further than Recker. Josh turn into "ET" every time we pass Elliott.

Josh: Ya... I do that

Ellen: Signal butte, is Signal Butt.

Josh: Tee hee hee. Brilliant. I love that.

Ellen: And heaven forbid, that we get on a stretch with no street signs, but loads of businesses, this is Josh's mecca. His SST goes into high gear, it's like lip gloss for a 7 year old girl. Sounds something like this:

Josh: Pizza HUT!, McSchmucks!, WallBART, Home DESPOT, TARCHET!, CHILLIESSSSS baby back ribs.....barbeque sauce.

Ellen: Oh yes, that's the other part, when it comes to businesses he can't say the right name, he has to say his made up version of the name.

Josh: It's a curse really. Can anyone help me?

Ellen: We aren't looking for a cure, just possibly some car distraction ideas to keep Josh occupied while in transit. But if you feel you must donate, we are accepting cash donations.




Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Josh's Version

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. Work
2. Church
3. my big red truck
4. Computer hardward
5. Wifey
6. Computer games
7. reading
8. Family

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
1. Ender’s Game
2. The Stand
3. Eragon
4. Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites
5. Sphere
6. Harry Potter
7. Book of Mormon
8. Angels & Demons

8 Words/Phrases I say often
1. Splendid
2. Thank you for calling Dialresults
3. “Hi my name is Ellen…” Then I add some snotty addition like “I like sandwiches.”
4. Brilliant
5. I’m hungry
6. I’m tired
7. Dude….
8. I don’t know.

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. skydive
2. Europe
3. cruise
4. open my own business
5. become a grandfather
6. own a home
7. see the launch of a Space Shuttle
8. fly in a fighter jet

8 things I've learned this past year
1. I don’t like prosciutto.
2. I am stronger than I believed.
3. I learned the dangers of not understanding the ramifications of a decision.
4. how to change the brakes on the truck.
5. I like it warm, more than I like it cold. I like it room temperature.
6. how to steam up a tasty pot of edamame
7. the importance of an anti-static pad
8. It is important to have friends.

8 places I want to see:
1. Vienna
2. Niagara Falls
3. church sites
4. NY
5. Lourve
6. a beach with warm water, it doesn’t matter where.
7. Egypt
8. Jerusalem

8 Things I currently want
1. new computer
2. a house
3. a raise
4. a big tv
5. a family
6. to run
7. donuts with the raspberry filling on the inside
8. a dog

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I've been tagged!

8 things I'm passionate about:

1. He's handsome and has great fleshy earlobes - ladies and gentlemen - JOSH!

2. A job well done

3. Music

4. Art

5. Making great memories

6. Trying new things

7. School

8. Family



books I've read and enjoyed:

1. The Stand

2. Falling Up

3. Jane Eyre

4. Ender's Game

5. The Davinci Code

6. Harry Potter

7. Twilight Series

8. Post Secret



8 Words/Phrases I say often

1. Shhh.... don't talk.

2. State Farm Estimatics, this is Ellen, I can help you.

3. Seriously!

4. I hate you bills....

5. It's business time.

6. Yes I can understand.

7. Que?!?!

8. raggamuffin



8 things I want to do before I die:

1. learn to swim

2. graduate with a Bachelor's degree

3. learn a foreign language

4. sing in or with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

5. open my own business

6. have children

7. have a dog

8. see the Thanksgiving day parade live



8 things I've learned this past year

1. boundaries are healthy

2. patience is going to be my life's struggle

3. trust in my dreams

4. if you lead by example people will follow either out of admiration or out of the desire to do it better than you, either way the end product is greater than it would have been.

5. Go ahead and record the entire day of the Kentucky Derby coverage or you'll record the wrong hour, yes I still feel bad.

6. How to make sunhats out of tape and a big peice of paper.

7. The best lessons I learned from TV this year came from a children's cartoon. I can't wait for next season to start!

8. I can make friends anywhere, with anyone if I just try.



8 places I want to see:

1. New Zealand

2. Lourve

3. Bora Bora

4. The Maldives

5. Washington, DC

6. Japan

7. Scotland

8. Yankee Stadium



8 Things I currently want

1. tuition money


2. a house

3. Josh's employer to grow

4. financial freedom

5. visit my family

6. the cowardly lions courage, the tin man's heart, and the scarecrow's brain

7. world peace

8. animal crackers in my soup.



8 people I want to tag:1. Beth 2. Shannon 3. Carolyn 4. Amy O. 5. Caleb 6. Josh 7. Jeffe' 8. Emma Joy

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Poppycock

Shakespeare, Maya Angelou, Shel Silverstein. All masters of the great language that I verbalize on a daily basis. In honor of raising my verbal bar, I've decided to revive and implement some of these jim-dandy slang words of the past. Words I'm not sure would make Maya & Shel proud but make me smile.

hoot: verb, 1. to shout or laugh with scorn 2. to express or utter with hoots. Examples: From Weezer's outstanding new song Pork & Beans "I don't give a hoot about what you think."

rubbish: noun 1. useless waste 2. something that is worthless Example: "Rubbish!" I like to holler it out like an expletive.

shenanigans:1. a devious trick used especially for an underhand purpose 2. high-spirited or mischievous activity Example: "Josh! Let's go commit shenanigans!!"

pox: noun 1. a disastrous evil, plague or a curse Example: "A pox upon you and your family for the rubbish and shenanigans you've upheld!"

Try them out, you might have one hoot of a time! Besides, it's the best to watch the lady at the cash register gaze at you in wonder when they are applied in the real world. Keeps people on their toes including me! Got to always stay sharp, you never know when you may need to throw out an ancient curse or relate to a man from the 1800s.

Now let's say it all together - Ellen is a fream.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Honey Bun!

There has been much to do about honey in my world recently. Lots of honey eating happening and I've come to the realization that I don't like honey for several reasons.

The linger factor - you can eat honey let's say on your English muffin as a delectable breakfast side then as your day proceeds you eat two more times - no honey involved but strangely your cheeseburger tastes sweeter than usual, brush your teeth - minty honey freshness, settle in for bedtime and still have the distinct numbness in your tongue from the sugar coma you induced 12 hours ago.

The goop factor - it seems to me that anything desirable that I want to eat that includes honey requires me to touch said product as it is smothered all over my desirable snack. Perfect example Indian fry bread. Somewhere between tearing myself off a section and getting it into to my face a gooping happens melding my skin to snack that reminds me of something right out of X-Men and listen folks if I'm going to become a mutant the last thing I want to be is Honey Girl! Seriously what kind of powers would Honey Girl have? She's so sweet she can talk anyone into following rules?? Let's talk this through for a minute....

Bad guy Pesticide Boy who we know would by Honey Girl's arch enemy is robbing a bank, because really that's where all bad guys start (see the Dark Knight) and yeah! Here comes Honey Girl to the rescue.

Pesticide Boy (French accent): Oui! I have robbed de' bank of de' America! Hoo Ha Ha Ha Ho! *Sigh* Now I can kill all de' flowers in de' vorld!

Honey Girl: Pesticide Boy, you sure are looking great, it's been a long time since we last saw each other how is your mother?

Pesticide Boy (French accent): She good, she love de' basket of assorted taffies you sent her. No, No! We are not friends, I am not nice, and my name is Pesticide not Pansy! Dites au revoir à vos fleurs précieuses.

Honey Girl: Well since you seem so determined let me help you. This sure is a lot of money to carry. Maybe people won’t miss flowers if they can fold money to look like flowers.

Pesticide Boy (sissy, I mean French accent): Curse you Honey Girl. *sniff* You are so kind. How can I rid de’ world of de’ flowers? Do you have any of de’ delicious taffies for me?

Honey Girl: Of course, friend.


Lame! No ninja skills needed worst mutant ever.


Lastly, I'm turned off by the bees have you ever watched those things move and flap and crawl? Creepy little buggers. Don’t like them, don’t like this byproduct. Pollinate away little bees, but as for me keep your honey to yourself you goopy, lingering, busy do-gooders!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

American Idol Auditions

I may have the coolest brother of all time. His adventures never seem to end. He just completed his American Idol audition.

Round 1 consists of a four person try out with a talent scout. And what did my brother sing you ask? Patrick Swayze - She's like the Wind. A stirring rendition I am sure because in his group of four he is the only person who moved forward.

Between round 1 and round 2 you do interviews for the cameras. They asked him, "Why will you be the next American Idol?" To which he quickly responded he wasn't sure he could be the next American Idol because he didn't having the dashing beauty of the Davids.

Round 2 he was before the producers of the show. You sing the three songs you prepared for the audition. His three songs - Patrick Swayze as mentioned above to express his romantic side, Styx - Renegade to express he could rock and "a haunting version" of Nirvana - Where Did You Sleep Last Night. After singing all three songs to the judges including both verses of She's like the Wind, it was a big hit, they handed him a list of five songs and asked him to pick one of the five songs to sing. He had 30 second to one minute to prepare. After immediately ruling out the Whitney Houston song - he says he struggled through Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get Together."

The round 2 judges thanked him, told him they loved his personality advised him take some voice lessons and audition again next year. I asked him, "Were you upset?" To which he replied, "Actually the first thought that went through my head was, 'Well, at least I won't have to do those stupid Ford bits."

Bless him for giving the judges some variety today. They said that in all eight years they'd never heard those three songs sang for an audition. And here's one for karma, as he left he got a call from the local radio station, his name had been pulled from the hat - he'd won the grand drawing and had a limo, dinner, front row seat prize for the Motley Crew concert tonight awaited him!