Saturday, January 17, 2009

Cats, Sneezes and Corners.

I go through periods of extreme impulsiveness in my life, this week I have been in my impulsive prime!

Tuesday: Peek-A-Boo!

I spent Tuesday running back and forth between buildings at work setting up meetings. One my 4th trip of the day I thought I spied my friend in the cafeteria. I had one of those ninja moments where your momentum has already carried you past the door but you are trying to stop so you do a ninja skid. You know what I'm talking about, one of those moments where if you were in a movie you'd hear "Screech!" It was quite a dramatic halt! But still I'm just past the door. So somewhere in my mind I decided in a split second it would be fun to grab the door frame and peek around the edges, sticking just my noggin out to my nose. I figure, my friend will laugh it will be awesome! So Peek-A-Boo! And to my surprise and his surprise I didn't know the person I was ridiculously peeking at. He definitely saw me to. And so in my very smooth way I kind of waved, it was more like a salute where you just stick your hand out there, and then I turned around and ran out. You know he went back to his desk and told his friends, "So there I was in the cafeteria and this crazy girl…." I'll think twice before doing that again.

Wednesday: Hee-hee-hee.

This has a back story so bear with me. We traveled a lot as a family when we were kids. Often hitting public restrooms. Once upon a time we stopped at a restaurant as a family to eat and flush and then continue on the drive. So we'd had a wonderful meal, I think my dad would feed us because it made us sleepy. Nothing better as a father than all five kids snoring on a road trip. I knew his evil plan. Where was I...oh we'd eaten and we got the command, "Everyone to the bathroom." So off the girls go. This was a very busy restaurant so there were lots of people, lots of stalls. My sister heads into a stall before me and she believes that I have followed her into the next stall. Seeing as impulsivity (I don't think that's a word, but I like it so it stays) runs in the family my sister sees my shoes in the next stall and decides to scare me. So she reaches under the stall grabs the leg and laughs menacingly "hee-hee-hee." Thing is…it wasn't me. My sister says she hid in the stall till she was sure the poor woman had left and then joined us in the van. Yes we still laugh about this at family get-togethers. Fast forward to Wednesday: I like to tell this story to people. Most of the people near me know this story. So, I found myself this week in a "juxtaposed johns" situation. Enter impulsiveness and yes, I grabbed my friend's foot in the next stall in a very crowded bathroom. I knew there would be one of two reactions, I got the second. "Eeeek!!" with a little jump. Now I'm silently cracking up in the adjacent stall and the restrooms is completely quiet, waiting. And so my wonderful friend says, "Excuse me, I sneezed."

Friday: Phantom Meowing.

All week I have heard a phantom meowing coming from the hallway outside my office. After review with colleagues, I had convinced myself it was a squeaky door, but it was louder than usual on Friday and more frequent so I went on the hunt. If it really was a cat stuck in a vent or lost in the building I was going to save it. So I'm prowling the 10 feet of hallway outside my office just waiting for a meow. Back and forth I go, even considering at one point saying "Here kitty-kitty." Nothing happened, no meowing. So as a last effort I decide to try all the doors and see if I can get the same meow noise. So there I am in the hall opening and closing doors, twisting door knobs and as I reach for the last door I hear, "Excuse me, can I help you?" here is the pearl of the week. I turned around to one of our friendly security guards and in a moment of embarrassment and fluster all I got out was "Phantom Kitty!" Good thing the guard was in a good mood, she laughed and opened the secured door by my office which "meows" or as you might call it squeaks when you open it. Then assured me they would get it fixed this weekend.

I think it might be best if I stay indoors this weekend secluded from people I don't want to make an idiot of myself around. To all victims in the above cases I apologize. I'll try to filter.


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!

:::Queue cool music and….play:::

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first ever advertisement rumble!! "oooh!" "aaaah!" "roar of the crowd"

In this corner we've got Mr. Mucus. Even the sight of him is yucky. I know he's cartoony and all but he's supposed to represent all the flem that is in your lungs from a cold. Not a pretty sight. We know he's rough and tough and hangs in till the end. He's represented by the good people of Mucinex along with his wife and son, Junior. He's icky, he's sticky, he's tricky, some butt he's gonna kicky…. Mr. Mucus!!

The audience chants: "Slimy! Slimy! Slimy!"

And in the other corner, Digger! Hailing from way down south, Digger is an itchy looking bugger. Again he is cartoony but he represents foot fungus. How attractive is that? Digger has a foot fetish and loves to sleep in your bed…of your toe nails that is! He's a tenacious little fighter who loves to multiply. He is represented by the kindly people of Lamisil. Able to discolor and weaken even the strongest of nails, feared by all sandal wearers. Ladies & Gentlemen all the way here from Footopia….Digger!

The audience chants: "Itchy! Itchy! Itchy!"
The audience leans in aggressively and (DING!) there's the bell!

Mr. Mucus jumps in strong with a left and a right. Digger is dancing knowing Mr. Mucus wears out quickly considering his formidable size and all. A beautiful jab from Digger. It's intense now fists flying everywhere… there is a disturbance ring side.. Folks you won't believe it…it can't be…are we sure? It appears a third contender has flown full force into the ring. Wow! That has got to sting!! Ladies and gentleman the fight is over. Both Mr. Mucus and Digger are down for the count. The ref looks around the ring for confirmation, he's raising our champion's arm. The winner and still reigning champion…Nasonex Bee!!What an amazing change of events!! Until next time learn your lesson Mucinex and Lamisil…taking something gross like an infection or fungus and making it a cartoon does not make it less gross. Good night to you all from the advertisement rumble arena. Signing off with a big thanks to our sponsors Embrel, this is Swollen the Joint. Again I say, goodnight.