Saturday, August 30, 2008

Breaking up is hard to do....

You know when you get on haunted house rides at amusement parks they have signs that say "This ride uses smoke machines, loud noises, Hannah Montana music?" I'm starting to think more places in my life need warning sign. Either that or I'm higher maintenance than I thought.

Texas Roadhouse is what I would consider a pretty macho restaurant. Peanut shells you can throw anywhere, only a fork and a knife needed to eat, lots of steak. It's an all American man cave! This is why the Texas Roadhouse sneak attack was so effective. There I was I'm happy with my dinner, eating along listening to the dinner conversation and suddenly I realize, "Hey, this song is a lot louder." And then the waitresses are scrambling and then OH NO!! Yes, yes.... Last night I sat at the Texas Roadhouse watching my waitress "YEEHAW!" and boot-scoot between tables. Honestly, does this make my steak taste better? Because wow, uncomfortable.

Texas Roadhouse, do I have to add you to the banned restaurant list? Joe Crabshack is already there for this offense. No dancing waitresses. And the sneakiness of making it a new added feature, it was like finding out after 4 years of marriage your husband doesn't like pumpkin cookies! (true fact)

I suppose it adds variety to the waitresses job. In the time we were there they had to dance twice and yes, they had two different routines. Maybe some customers like dancing waitresses?? Is it the same group of customers that like the singing lady that comes to your table at the banned by Ellen Italian restaurant?

Texas Roadhouse, I think we should try a trial separation. I feel like you've been withholding your true self from me. You are no longer in the circle of trust. If at some future point, you do decide to get rid of the boot-scoot - call me.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"They should have sent a poet."

Things you can learn on the Internet:

Early Greeks believed that lightning was a weapon of Zeus. Thunderbolts were invented by Minerva the goddess of wisdom. Since lightning was a manifestation of the gods, any spot struck by lightning was regarded as sacred. Greek and Roman temples often were erected at these sites, where the gods were worshipped in an attempt to appease them.

The Moslems also attributed lightning and thunder to their god. The Koran says "He it is who showeth you lightning and launches the thunderbolts."

Scandinavian mythology alludes to Thor, the thunderer, who was the foe of all demons. Thor tossed lightning bolts at his enemies. Thor also gave us Thurs-day. In the pantheistic

Hindu religion, Indra was the god of heaven, lightning, rain, storms and thunder. The Maruts used the thunderbolts as weapons.

Umpundulo is the lightning bird-god of the Bantu tribesmen in Africa. Even today their medicine men go out in storms and bid the lightning to strike far away.

Even Santa Klaus gets into the act with his reindeer Donner (thunder) and Blitzen (lightning).

Things you can learn in real life:

At some points in your life you have those moments where you know you are seeing one of the most beautiful, rare things you will ever see. Tonight we experienced that. We've filmed it so hopefully you can understand. The rumble of thunder has been constant for 90 minutes now and what you'll see is lightening from one view in video one to show how often it was striking and from a 360 view in the second video so you can see how brilliant and all encompassing it is.

I find myself unnerved by the frequency, strength and rumble and yet drawn and overwhelmed by the illumination. I stand all amazed.

Friday, August 22, 2008

New Jobs and their Titles

I get to start a new job on Monday it has a very lengthy name. Agency Field Support Staff. AFSS. I'll be working for my wonderful company still, just in a different department with our sales force. I'm already playing with my job title. I like the AF part because it is true, but I understand from the other SS crew that the job is much more than support. Here are some of the potential ideas....

Super Slueths
Secret Samaris
Spectacular Stars
Sassy Secretaries
Sanity Specialists

Not that I'd get it put on my card. I just want to think, "Ellen Haws Agency Field Secret Samari at your service" when I introduce myself. Because really how rad is that??

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I know what they say about people who assume... however I can't help myself. Part of my daily job involves me looking at handwriting. Most of the handwriting is just normal and doesn't catch my attention but like everything there are diamonds in the rough. And I have to tell you I have convinced myself that I can tell which of those special few are written by a author that is happy, who is sad, who is angry and that the one man in particular is evil!!

I see things come in from Body Shops with cheerleader handwriting on them. Not to the extreme of hearts instead of dots over the letter i but seriously this was the girlfriend we all had in high school that practiced her alphabet until she found her own style...remember that girl?? Well guess what? She works in a Body Shop now and she's still using that handwriting she perfected in eighth grade. All the practice paid off!

There is always the writing that is near to impossible to read. I find myself doing a Scooby Doo right there in my cubicle. Tilting my head to one side, one ear higher than the other "Hoooo?" You know the Scooby Doo! If that doesn't work I squint, maybe invert the image, tap my finger on my desk a few times and then wish I had a Urim and Thummin of my very own. This always leads to a phone call, which opens up a whole other world. Body Shops are a interesting place. They are mini worlds in and of them self most of them run by total domination and/or mass confusion. I always feel like a character on Star Trek who is being beamed onto an unknown new planet, I must brace myself for whatever character I might encounter.

But in the black whole of body shops there is evil penmanship man! In my mind when something comes across my desk from him I see a big meaty hand crushing a writing utensil in a throbbing sweaty fist massacring ink across the page in a horrific scene of scrawling numbers and letters that resemble something like a name and a claim number. It's awful and he's awful. I dread the day he leaves something off and I have to call him. I can hear his devil voice now thanks to all the movies that have given me that sound. He's totally a mouth-breather that even over the phone his breath smells too warm as he hollers at me..."It's a Toyota Corolla!!!!" I shudder at the thought. I'm seriously considering keeping holy water in my desk to sprinkle on my phone just in case. Fortunately I only have to worry about it for two more days and then this gets to be someone else's problem.

Hooray for promotions!

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Last weekend I got the coolest opportunity of all time! Sometimes working for a multi-million dollar company pays off and it pays off big time!! That and knowing the right people! The Great and Powerful Jody hooked me up big time. She let me be her ride-buddy, which meant I got to go. She's the best really. I am sure karma will help me find a way to pay her back.

I got the opportunity to go see the Arizona Cardinals at their training camp in Flagstaff! It was so neat. I arrived at work and was loaded on to a charter bus like a band member then were bused two hours north to Flagstaff AZ to Northern Arizona University Campus.

Let me side track for a moment. Flagstaff maybe one of the most beautiful spots I've seen in a while. Pine trees galore, the air had a sweet scent, a cooling breeze. And I love campuses. I really should become a college professor because something about being on a college campus thrills me. Okay sorry I digress....

Once we arrived in Flagstaff we were taken up to the outdoor practice field and given our State Farm VIP passes. VIP pass - I felt an immediate surge of power, what adventures awaited me?

The first adventure was one of the best rainstorms I've seen in a long time. So practice was immediately moved inside and we got to run through the rain from the outside field to the inside field. The best part though was that we got to run the field!! Yes yes, I did an end-zone dance. I didn't make it on TV but I felt victorious!

Check out the action behind us! We sat right at the fifty yard line on the front row.

Interesting facts:

Did you know kickers essentially do nothing at practice except hassle ball boys? Yeap. That's what they do. Periodically they practice setting the ball and then they hassle the ball boy some more.

Don't dog wide receivers when you say you are going to go to dinner with them. They don't take kindly to it and you get to hear about it for about 10 minutes before practice.

Warm ups are also a time for giggling.

The trainers work 5 times harder than the players during practice. I watched a trainer doing an exercise with every single athlete he put through it. So each athlete maybe did it 5 times, he took 10 athletes through it, so this trainer did it 50 times that day. Those guys are heroes!

As practice was winding down they moved us out onto the side lines and started passing out sharpies. We were going to get a chance to get something signed!! Holy crow! I was nervous, like asking the hottest boy on the Olympic team to prom nervous. But I got my wits about me and Jody and I did our best to blend in with the small children and smile a lot, and thank a lot.

Here are some of my favorite highlights......

Bertrand Berry & the two of us. He is huge!!

Ellen & Kurt Warner

Jody & Coach Whisenhut

It was totally awesome!!! So now there is a reason to come visit AZ in August. My state is redeemable in the summer, I knew it!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Street Sign Tourettes

"Recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker, recker"

Ellen: It is Josh's confession time. He has a serious case of street sign tourettes. Before you print up SST awareness shirts, this may be a one man disease maybe we just need a charity walk in a park with no signs. The dear soul that I love has a problem with reading street signs aloud and he drives through our city. The above phrase breezes through his lips each time we pass through Recker, which happens to be the main street that we live on in Mesa. There is even a method to it. He says the word exactly ten times.

Josh: I don't even have to count! It's a natural born rhythm, it just happens. I don't read the signs every time. Just when there is a lull in the conversation... and we are just sitting there... and God presents me with cool word in big green and white letters. TRY it... It is not as easy as you think.... Feels good tho... doesn't it.

Ellen: The problem extends further than Recker. Josh turn into "ET" every time we pass Elliott.

Josh: Ya... I do that

Ellen: Signal butte, is Signal Butt.

Josh: Tee hee hee. Brilliant. I love that.

Ellen: And heaven forbid, that we get on a stretch with no street signs, but loads of businesses, this is Josh's mecca. His SST goes into high gear, it's like lip gloss for a 7 year old girl. Sounds something like this:

Josh: Pizza HUT!, McSchmucks!, WallBART, Home DESPOT, TARCHET!, CHILLIESSSSS baby back ribs.....barbeque sauce.

Ellen: Oh yes, that's the other part, when it comes to businesses he can't say the right name, he has to say his made up version of the name.

Josh: It's a curse really. Can anyone help me?

Ellen: We aren't looking for a cure, just possibly some car distraction ideas to keep Josh occupied while in transit. But if you feel you must donate, we are accepting cash donations.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Josh's Version

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. Work
2. Church
3. my big red truck
4. Computer hardward
5. Wifey
6. Computer games
7. reading
8. Family

8 books I've read and enjoyed:
1. Ender’s Game
2. The Stand
3. Eragon
4. Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites
5. Sphere
6. Harry Potter
7. Book of Mormon
8. Angels & Demons

8 Words/Phrases I say often
1. Splendid
2. Thank you for calling Dialresults
3. “Hi my name is Ellen…” Then I add some snotty addition like “I like sandwiches.”
4. Brilliant
5. I’m hungry
6. I’m tired
7. Dude….
8. I don’t know.

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. skydive
2. Europe
3. cruise
4. open my own business
5. become a grandfather
6. own a home
7. see the launch of a Space Shuttle
8. fly in a fighter jet

8 things I've learned this past year
1. I don’t like prosciutto.
2. I am stronger than I believed.
3. I learned the dangers of not understanding the ramifications of a decision.
4. how to change the brakes on the truck.
5. I like it warm, more than I like it cold. I like it room temperature.
6. how to steam up a tasty pot of edamame
7. the importance of an anti-static pad
8. It is important to have friends.

8 places I want to see:
1. Vienna
2. Niagara Falls
3. church sites
4. NY
5. Lourve
6. a beach with warm water, it doesn’t matter where.
7. Egypt
8. Jerusalem

8 Things I currently want
1. new computer
2. a house
3. a raise
4. a big tv
5. a family
6. to run
7. donuts with the raspberry filling on the inside
8. a dog

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I've been tagged!

8 things I'm passionate about:

1. He's handsome and has great fleshy earlobes - ladies and gentlemen - JOSH!

2. A job well done

3. Music

4. Art

5. Making great memories

6. Trying new things

7. School

8. Family

books I've read and enjoyed:

1. The Stand

2. Falling Up

3. Jane Eyre

4. Ender's Game

5. The Davinci Code

6. Harry Potter

7. Twilight Series

8. Post Secret

8 Words/Phrases I say often

1. Shhh.... don't talk.

2. State Farm Estimatics, this is Ellen, I can help you.

3. Seriously!

4. I hate you bills....

5. It's business time.

6. Yes I can understand.

7. Que?!?!

8. raggamuffin

8 things I want to do before I die:

1. learn to swim

2. graduate with a Bachelor's degree

3. learn a foreign language

4. sing in or with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

5. open my own business

6. have children

7. have a dog

8. see the Thanksgiving day parade live

8 things I've learned this past year

1. boundaries are healthy

2. patience is going to be my life's struggle

3. trust in my dreams

4. if you lead by example people will follow either out of admiration or out of the desire to do it better than you, either way the end product is greater than it would have been.

5. Go ahead and record the entire day of the Kentucky Derby coverage or you'll record the wrong hour, yes I still feel bad.

6. How to make sunhats out of tape and a big peice of paper.

7. The best lessons I learned from TV this year came from a children's cartoon. I can't wait for next season to start!

8. I can make friends anywhere, with anyone if I just try.

8 places I want to see:

1. New Zealand

2. Lourve

3. Bora Bora

4. The Maldives

5. Washington, DC

6. Japan

7. Scotland

8. Yankee Stadium

8 Things I currently want

1. tuition money

2. a house

3. Josh's employer to grow

4. financial freedom

5. visit my family

6. the cowardly lions courage, the tin man's heart, and the scarecrow's brain

7. world peace

8. animal crackers in my soup.

8 people I want to tag:1. Beth 2. Shannon 3. Carolyn 4. Amy O. 5. Caleb 6. Josh 7. Jeffe' 8. Emma Joy

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Shakespeare, Maya Angelou, Shel Silverstein. All masters of the great language that I verbalize on a daily basis. In honor of raising my verbal bar, I've decided to revive and implement some of these jim-dandy slang words of the past. Words I'm not sure would make Maya & Shel proud but make me smile.

hoot: verb, 1. to shout or laugh with scorn 2. to express or utter with hoots. Examples: From Weezer's outstanding new song Pork & Beans "I don't give a hoot about what you think."

rubbish: noun 1. useless waste 2. something that is worthless Example: "Rubbish!" I like to holler it out like an expletive.

shenanigans:1. a devious trick used especially for an underhand purpose 2. high-spirited or mischievous activity Example: "Josh! Let's go commit shenanigans!!"

pox: noun 1. a disastrous evil, plague or a curse Example: "A pox upon you and your family for the rubbish and shenanigans you've upheld!"

Try them out, you might have one hoot of a time! Besides, it's the best to watch the lady at the cash register gaze at you in wonder when they are applied in the real world. Keeps people on their toes including me! Got to always stay sharp, you never know when you may need to throw out an ancient curse or relate to a man from the 1800s.

Now let's say it all together - Ellen is a fream.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Honey Bun!

There has been much to do about honey in my world recently. Lots of honey eating happening and I've come to the realization that I don't like honey for several reasons.

The linger factor - you can eat honey let's say on your English muffin as a delectable breakfast side then as your day proceeds you eat two more times - no honey involved but strangely your cheeseburger tastes sweeter than usual, brush your teeth - minty honey freshness, settle in for bedtime and still have the distinct numbness in your tongue from the sugar coma you induced 12 hours ago.

The goop factor - it seems to me that anything desirable that I want to eat that includes honey requires me to touch said product as it is smothered all over my desirable snack. Perfect example Indian fry bread. Somewhere between tearing myself off a section and getting it into to my face a gooping happens melding my skin to snack that reminds me of something right out of X-Men and listen folks if I'm going to become a mutant the last thing I want to be is Honey Girl! Seriously what kind of powers would Honey Girl have? She's so sweet she can talk anyone into following rules?? Let's talk this through for a minute....

Bad guy Pesticide Boy who we know would by Honey Girl's arch enemy is robbing a bank, because really that's where all bad guys start (see the Dark Knight) and yeah! Here comes Honey Girl to the rescue.

Pesticide Boy (French accent): Oui! I have robbed de' bank of de' America! Hoo Ha Ha Ha Ho! *Sigh* Now I can kill all de' flowers in de' vorld!

Honey Girl: Pesticide Boy, you sure are looking great, it's been a long time since we last saw each other how is your mother?

Pesticide Boy (French accent): She good, she love de' basket of assorted taffies you sent her. No, No! We are not friends, I am not nice, and my name is Pesticide not Pansy! Dites au revoir à vos fleurs précieuses.

Honey Girl: Well since you seem so determined let me help you. This sure is a lot of money to carry. Maybe people won’t miss flowers if they can fold money to look like flowers.

Pesticide Boy (sissy, I mean French accent): Curse you Honey Girl. *sniff* You are so kind. How can I rid de’ world of de’ flowers? Do you have any of de’ delicious taffies for me?

Honey Girl: Of course, friend.

Lame! No ninja skills needed worst mutant ever.

Lastly, I'm turned off by the bees have you ever watched those things move and flap and crawl? Creepy little buggers. Don’t like them, don’t like this byproduct. Pollinate away little bees, but as for me keep your honey to yourself you goopy, lingering, busy do-gooders!