Thursday, February 26, 2009

Double Nyquil on the Rocks

You know you've officially lost the battle to your cold when you are....

A. Sitting on the couch in your apartment,
B. Crying on the phone to your husband cause you can't open a bottle of stupid delicious spaghetti sauce,
C. Explaining that yes you tried to use a towel to help open it,
D. Yes, you tried to go ask the beefy neighbor to help you but you couldn't figure out how to open his gate.
E. Yes, you googled other solutions but we don’t have a rubber band anywhere,
F. And sadly, yes you realize he can’t come help you, you just need someone to cry to because you are frustrated.
G. And then as I sobbed away I started hysterically laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

Dear God,

Thank you for my Josh who is patient and kind even when I am full head winds into my crazy.


*** 20 minutes after I'd gotten after the phone with Josh and written this, he showed up, opened up my can of spaghetti sauce and drove back to work. Think he loves me? I do. *****

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Document1 - Microsoft Word

I found a new dream job. One of my tasks at work is to make things pretty. So I spend a lot of time looking at clip art and I realized this week that I could be a powerhouse in the clip art model world. Honestly have you stopped to think about that? They hire someone to do that! Someone somewhere got paid to show up and work with a photographer taking pictures pretending to be a family or a business woman or having a wedding then they got paid maybe $300 and signed the rights to the photo and their souls away to Microsoft. I would totally do it. Because I could work it out, dog! Resume time: I can make multitude of emotional faces, I can cry on demand and I look comfortable in a large number of different situations. Ambition: To be Microsoft Word Clip Art’s Zoolander. I figure there are six sub-categories to clip art modeling.

The first category is families/love. These pictures involve either handsome or average looking people doing things that Microsoft sees as family friendly events. For example: Sledding, playing X-Box (stupid product placement), eating, reading books. Depending on the grouping I could easily be the mother or the daughter.
The second category is movement. This is any picture that has some kind of action in it. The topics are wide and varied but the message is loud and clear. “Hey viewer…see us, we have momentum!” I imagine these models singing their own action music in their heads as they did the photo shoot. The third category is friends. According to the existing pictures on clip art you are only friends with people in your age group, who you look very similar to in age/gender/size/skin color/fashion type/shoe size or you are ultimate extremes. So my friends groups would have to be late 20 some-things, who are female/curvy/white/eclectic/8.5 or it would have to look like my group of friends actually looks, just with a filter on, so that my tan friends look darker and my white friends look whiter.

The fourth is what I’ve deemed the “creepy” category. Here is where some photographer went rogue on Microsoft, bless him, and Microsoft being too cheap used the photos anyhow. The photos are all political in nature and all creepy. I want to be in one. Honestly who doesn’t want to put on dramatic makeup and stare intently into the lens of a camera in the hopes of saving the world from global warming?

The fifth is…(get your Streisand Voice on) "people, people being people. Are the glorious people (dramatic pause) in the world!!" This category just has people being people. People reading books, drinking drinks, vacationing, eating a sandwich, taking pictures - people doing the things people do when they aren’t work for the man. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of clip art? As a Shakespearean aside with my stage whisper on, I did notice there was an interesting subcategory to this and really all the categories. There seems to be a whole lot of Asians going on. They are the most beautiful race in my opinion, but seriously give us white girls a chance.

The last and my favorite group is appendages models. Minus the regular bump, scratch or bruise with a regular manicure/pedicures, I could totally do this! I especially feel I could specialize as the model for the last photo I included in this series.

X-Ray Model. How cool is that? An airplane ride would go like this. Seat 13B: “So, going to Phoenix huh?” Ellen: “Yeah, I live there.” Seat 13B: “Yeah, me too.” Ellen: “Yeah.” Seat 13B: “So, what do you do for a living?” Ellen: “I’m an X-Ray Model.” Kapow!! Take that boring passenger 13B! Sigh, This is why I don’t talk to people on airplanes. I get tempted to lie, and lying is the lubrication on the slide to hell.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Warp Speed!

It has been raining in my beautiful city the last two days. It smells lovely. I have gorgeous clouds. I get to wear sweaters and be cold. It's wonderful. But I've also observed something. Let's start at the beginning.

All cars have several windshield wiping speeds. There is dribble speed - so slow you think it might be broken. Drizzle speed - slow but consistent. Standard speed. Gigawatt speed - now we mean business. Monsoon speed - starts to make you dizzy if you try to watch is go back and forth. Tornado speed - by this time don't get your finger caught under the wiper you will loose it. And finally drowning speed this will keep the windshield dry even underwater.

My next statement is a horrible generalization but honestly...prove me wrong. I ask you minivan drivers....why must you use Monsoon speed or higher even if only drizzle speed is needed? Your windshield has to be squealing at you. Screaming for mercy. That horrible "eeek, clunk! eek, clunk! eek, clunk!" noise! Do you need tornado speed for the teaspoon for accumulated liquid on your windshield? Maybe per capita minivan drivers just are a more cautious particular group. They like their windshields drip free. Even if it means all the squeaking. But I say we follow the lead for people who drive trucks. Look at the big F250 drivers for instance, they never turn their wipers on until they see Noah building a boat!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Anyone smell a little....danger?

I don't think I'm alone in this. However, like all things I believe that my hyper-drive of an imagination leads to an over exaggeration of the "danger" syndrome. Sometimes, I psych myself out. There is no danger, but I feel danger. My ninja senses tingle and I am prepared to defend my temple of a body and my casa de royale. Don't mess with me evil-doers, in these heightened moments, I am Jack Bower with a dash of 007 and the undeniable indestructibility of Elastigirl. Criminals, ye be warned!

I came home late from a friends house tonight and had to stop for gas in uncharted territory. I was so sluethy! I picked a friendly sounding exit. Chose a central gas pump. Kept my phone on me, never had my back to anyone. Made eye contact with the closest fellow pumpers. Started memorizing license plates in the parking lot. Oh yeah buddy, I was eye-witnesstastic! Then click! My tank was full and I was off. Nobody messed with me, they could see I meant serious business. Serious business indeed.

When I got home I googled crime stats in that neighborhood and found that compared to my neighborhood I was practically pumping gas with Mr. Rogers and Mother Teresa. You think they'd have smiled more.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Snuggies - Round 2

Just in case you thought I was the only one who was obsessed.....

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

TV has replaced imaginary friends.

You know you've had too much TV when:

I can't drive in the car without wondering if the song on the radio would be a good American Idol audition song for me. I try out a verse or two and then think, would this grab the judges attention or would it be too obscure? What would Kara say?

I've assigned characters from Heroes cheeky nicknames like we are pals. Pout than fit, White Wizard, Chief Clueless, Dr. Screw-up. I do this with acquaintances in real life, but let me remind you (and me apparently) these people aren't real.

I find myself seriously desirous to make pie and catch myself trying to speak in rhyming candor with my closest friends. (Pushing Daisies, if you've never seen this show you are seriously missing out.)

I wasn't feeling well this weekend and I caught myself doing a differential diagnosis with the characters from House about my health. When I realized I was even doing all the voices in my head I heard House say, "You idiot. We aren't real. However, Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."