Friday, December 25, 2009

Why kids make Christmas so cool

Many moons ago a certain brother of mine snuck down in the middle of the night to check out the goodies Santa had left. Upon returning to the room he shared with my sister she asked if he saw anything she got. He said yes! She was getting something from F.K. She wondered all night. The next morning she woke up to a Phil Collins tape.

Side story: This reminds me that every year from about the time I turned 11 until I moved out that brother and I would always try and be the first to sneak a peek. On year we scared the holy beejeezees out of each other. I squealed a little, he kung fu jumped. Then we sat on the stairs and silent Muppet laughed. I think we snuck for peeks together after that.

Nephew says to me on the phone today, "Hi Auntie! We can bake cookies, brownies, make donuts and cakes now cause sister got an Easy Bake Oven!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I got a Wii."

Niece received bubbles as one of her little side gifts. She said, "We must go outside right now!" The temperature was below freezing in her home town today.

Then there is the accountant Niece. This one cracked me up, I understand the majority of what she says but today there was obviously excitement so I wasn't catching everything. What I was catching was the way she was telling me about her gifts. The conversation went like this.

"Merry Christmas, Niece! What did you get for Christmas?"

"My kitchen. Check.
My doll. Check.
Princess. Check.
Stickers. Check.
A Wii. Check. That's brothers.
Some candies. Check."

Yep, she's making a list, checking it twice. Merry Christmas to you all! Hope your day was filled with cheer and you too were able to check all your items off you list!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Keep your eye on the prize!

Sometimes you have to admit that the internet is just plain cool. Track Santa's journey around the world using this link:

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/index.html#utm_campaign=en_US&utm_medium=ha&utm_source=en_US-ha-na-us-bk-gm&utm_term=norad

Happy Christmas Eve Everyone!

Merry Frosty Christmas

I almost got in a rumble at CVS today. I've got my cold back and so I stopped to stock up on cold essentials. I'm waiting in line to check out and there is a very mean Ebenezett Scrooge making some purchases in front of me. Ya'll she was awful to my check out man. Let me explain that I have a particular affection for this check out man. He reminds me of Apu from QuickiMart in the Simpsons. He always is smiling and he is the nicest man ever. CVS check register man cannot be a fun job, but he always manages to greet me and be kind. I always make sure to check out with him.

So after being particularly nasty he still manages to muster up the courage to say, "Merry Christmas." To which she said, "Merry Frosty Christmas!" (She used a different f word.) Okay yes, I'll probably get shanked one day. Put that on my tombstone, she knew it would happen. I just can't stand ridiculously angry people taking it out on bystanders. And I so suddenly I found myself singing out loud, "And a Happy New Year!!" right to grumpy pants.

Wooooo! She spun on her toes "Oh you think your so funny!!!!" And then she even sort of approached. Cashier man looked terrified, I think he pushed the emergency CVS page button. Probably called in the film man and the pharmacist for back up. I just smiled sweetly at her like I meant it and she gave me a "PFFFTT!" and stormed out. I then stepped to the counter and purchased my items making sure to wish my register friend a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That's a capital idea, Mr. Watson!

Yes I’m excited to see Sherlock Holmes, but that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about this crazy article and what it made me think of! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34523276/ns/entertainment-movies/ Okay first of all doesn’t it make you smile that a Chippendale dancer won the overnight stay in home with the sexy leg lamp. Funny! I hope the Bumpkiss dogs kept him up all night!


Then I thought, seriously $4200 for one night? That’s a major profit! Listen I’ve always dreamed of owning a bed and breakfast and I think I just found my theme! I’ll have the main house for less adventurous vacationers and then little cabins that look like famous movie houses – you could do just Christmas houses for heaven’s sake! People could call in and book the Ralphie house. Or a Whoville bungalow. What about the Jack the Pumpkin King castle? Or a Polar Express train car? Large families can book the Home Alone House, included in the rental is a free pizza delivery with a gallon of milk. The houses wouldn’t have to have kitchens or anything, just look like the house from the front and then have a bathroom and then bedroom/bedrooms similar to the movie. Home Alone house would obviously have an attic room with a pull out couch.


Personally I’d want to stay in the Elf cabin.


Obviously as a bed and breakfast you’d have to make it more comfy, but you could make it look like this! Granted Josh and I would probably have to move or invest in a very large snow maker. Million dollar idea right here folks…anyone want to invest?

Idea Patented by Sheriff & Felon Associates RCPLMQT 2010

Monday, December 21, 2009

Miss Guided, Your Gift Giving Countess

Crickey!! We sure do have a beauty of a man living here in these wild grasses of my homeland. He sure is a beautiful specimen! A tricky little mate, bugga hard to predict his gift desires and wishes. Sure like any present predator he gives plenty of tale-tell hints but how can the hunter be sure of the target when shown twelve different keyboards which one will be the best bait?? It is quite the quandary. (Wouldn’t quandary be a funny word if said by Steve Irwin?) Okay I’m dropping the bit.

Listen, after a delicate debate with Josh and his brother I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I don’t agree with them but I know now the tricksy. At least the ticket for Haws men, if you don’t know exactly what to buy husband because you wrote it down in triplicate copy including serial number, model number and preferred colors, just give him cash or gift card. Plain and simple, to them it’s not impersonal. It’s freedom!!! They can frolic through purchasing freedomland! Yes, they like a sentimental gift periodically. But really, they would rather get what they want or get nothing at all. Bah Humbug……..okay I added that.

But, ouch right? For me a gift isn’t worth getting unless the person thought of me and picked something they thought I would like. Sure I’ll give people ideas, but I’d rather get a completely unexpected star throw pillow that I love, or a kick arse board game. It’s mega lame if I have to say, “Buy me a Purple Casio DJ Guitar set to Mandolin, yeah.” I’d like to think people can look at my personality and then purchase me something. The boys say this is an unrealistic expectation and romantic. Romantic I’ll give them, but unrealistic really? I don’t know about that.

Is this a man, woman difference? Will we be perpetually perturbed at each other’s gift giving skills? Yes in 2009, I’ll man up and just give the mate cash for the holiday, but shouldn’t he lady up and buy me an unexpected surprise?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

5 Things I Hate About Walbart aka the Evil Empire

Besides taking advantage of their employees, running local grocery stores into oblivion, claiming to have the best sales but always seeming to cost more, there are other things I dislike about the Evil Empire know as Walmart or as Josh calls it, Walbart.



1. Overpopulation of fish tanks - have you seen all those poor suckers crammed into one little tank?? It's a crying shame in my opinion. You can almost here them, "Help me!!" Nemo is probably waging his special fin finger at you, Walbart. For the record - Josh wants everyone to know that he thinks that the fish like this. They swim in schools maybe they actually think this is comfortable.


2. Seriously Miley Cyrus?? Voted by teenagers as the worst celebrity influence on teenagers. http://www.ivillage.com/miley-cyrus-voted-worst-celebrity-influence/1-a-62280 Good work Walbart! Way to know your market. Thanks for making her immodest clothes available at low prices so all teens can be just like her. Next season, teen boy clothes by Tiger Woods & David Letterman.


3. Okay really this picture is sad, but funny at the same time. Do we really need warning signs like this? Don't tupperware your child, it does not keep them minty fresh. And on the obscure chance you do, you now can't sue Walbart!



4. As if stocking the check out aisles with candy and toys is not evil enough, now you build an indoor playland? Evil. I could approve if just one ride was free, but no..... Also how come the rides have to sing even when they aren't in motion. While standing in line for 20 minutes while your cashier price checks tater tots I get to hear the Pooh Bear song 11 times. You just add to the rage in the cage.



5. Okay, Josh said he'd never noticed this until I pointed them out, but people, the parking lot is always full of the harbingers of death. I know every grocery store has birds in the parking lot, but crows? Evil attack crows?!?! Does that put you in the grocery spirit? Your all walking to the store door and in your head thinking "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, snuggly little....ooh hey look at that crow tearing the eyes out of the baby doll. And that one eating rocks...surely they won't rise up one day and attack us for our luscious food goods." I'm telling you - eminent doom!! And it's not just my store, you see them at your store too! You know it's true! Caw-caw!!!



Saturday, December 19, 2009

Playlists

Christmas playlist:


  1. Barenaked Ladies - Footprints

  2. Carly Simon - Night Before Christmas - This is on the Mixed Nuts Soundtrack. Arguably the best Christmas cd ever created. I could just list all the songs from that album. Just purchase it. It's worth it!

  3. Harry Connick Jr - When My Heart Finds Christmas

  4. John Denver & The Muppets - Christmas is Coming

  5. King Singers - Stille Nacht - Oh yeah, that's my choir nerd showing!

  6. Augie Rios - Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?

  7. Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings

  8. John Lennon - Happy XMas

  9. Otis Redding - White Christmas

  10. Sarah McLachlan - Song for a Winter's Night - Side note: Sarah made a Christmas cd. It's the saddest, suicide inducing holiday cd ever. She has a gorgeous voice, but something in it makes me want to turn off all the lights, weep softly and rock gently. Not very Christmasy. Good try Sarah but I warn you folks this CD is not for a sad Christmas.

  11. Harry Connick Jr - I Pray On Christmas. - It's a dream of mine to lead a ward choir in a stirring rendition of this song someday.

I-pod playlist: (no particular order)



  1. Weezer - Love Is The Answer - love them!

  2. Muse - I Belong to You/Mon Coeur S'ouvre a ta Voix - killer oboe stylings that bring me joy!

  3. Swell Season - Low Rising - just buy their whole album, you won't regret it.

  4. Owl City - Fireflies -addicted to this song, it's just a happy song.

  5. Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me - this man's voice feels like a hug for my heartache, enough said.

  6. Indigo Girls - Second Time Around - a list from me wouldn't be complete without an IG song, I'm just feeling this song right now.

  7. The Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You

  8. Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive

  9. Glee Volume 1 - Hate On Me - gleek.

  10. Ben Folds - Learn to Live With What You Are

  11. Foo Fighters - can I just say everything?? I guess the pick for today would be All My Life.

A double cd set for your listening enjoyment!


Friday, December 18, 2009

Butt Bombs

Come with me on a journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then through the Lincoln Tunnel of my memories. I have this tender spot of a faint memory that is spurred by a certain Christmas song. Maybe the siblings can help fill in the spots here where I don’t have all the details.

I was in first grade when my Brother the Youngest was born. He had red hair as a baby and I thought because he was born in the same month as me he was my birthday present. He’s the best present I ever got!! This was maybe his second Christmas. The tree stood on top of the piano, (we apparently put a lot of things on top of the piano), so that Brother the Youngest couldn’t destroy ornaments. I think Maternal Grandpa was there and we decided to put on a little holiday show for him! Every kid thinks they put on excellent shows and we decided it would be our gift to him!

I can’t really remember what the majority of us did. I’m sure we sang, played the piano, danced, told jokes. It was a holiday extravaganza! What I vividly remember is Brother the Youngest’s routine. We had a record that had the Muppets singing a whole bunch of Christmas songs. Dressed in nothing but a diaper, Sister put on “Run, Run Reindeer.” After doing some generally adorable baby rump shaking, little man would start at one side of the room run across at full speed, jump straight up in the air and then land flat butted with a thump on his little diaper toosh.

“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!
“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!

It had to have hurt, but being the performer he was, he kept going for the length of the song because he was getting killer laughs! And I still giggle every time I hear that song I can’t help but visualize this little mostly nudist brother of mine booty bombing the floor after every “Reindeer!!!”

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Nylons..the other white meat

Don't eat nylons. It's probably really bad for you. The challenge today thanks to suggestion is other uses for nylon so you get to hear about my genius madre.



Madre had 5 kids who I personally think were all...switch to British professor voice....moderate geniuses with great imaginations and a superior talent of imagination. Okay more like pretty smart, sassy to the max and vocal, really vocal. The problem was if she didn't keep us busy we turned into havoc tornadoes!! The awesome thing was my Madre was superior at keeping 5 kids entertained. Seriously, highlight activities - homemade face paint, videotaping a reenactment of the three little bears, puppets out of Jello containers. She rocketh!



What does this have to do with nylons? I think we were a little out of control on year right before Halloween because suddenly we all get called to the kitchen table and Madre has the last 3 weeks of newspaper, four black pair of old nylons and paint. "Start wadding up the paper." She had Sister the Eldest take our little newspaper balls and stuff them down the legs of the nylons. So we diligently wadded and filled each leg, mind you I'm sure we tossed the balls around a few times before they went into the nylon. What's the fun if you can't toss them at the brothers, am I right? Then she had us tie all of the top part of the hose together. So now we had eight legs!! We were making a spider! How cool is Madre? She then helped us stretch on of the control tops up and over the remaining balls of newspaper and tied it at the top to make the head. Madre then painted the outline of eyes on the now head to our spider and we got to fill them in. It was totally awesome!! He sat on our piano and I thought he was so cool cause he was big and I had made him! Cause what's better than having created something?



I still get that way! Here's where I tie in the Christmas part....tomorrow we are doing a White Elephant exchange at work and so I decided to create my present. I made a scarf out of old work shirts. Check me out!!

Thanks Madre for empowering me to feel that I can create things!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Confessions


  1. I can’t help it, judge me if you must. I love Augie Rios’s song “Mamacita, Donde Estan Santa Claus?” It’s just not Christmas until I’ve heard it and sang along. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK77rxuXK5s

  2. I’ve never seen White Christmas or Polar Express. I do have White Christmas sitting patiently on my DVR. It’s my plan for Sunday afternoon.

  3. This is kind of a general confession but seems to be heightened at the holidays. I loathe with the passion of a thousand drumming monkeys blasted Celine Dion. She has one Christmas Album but I seem to hear her everywhere. HUSH Celine, I don’t want to hear your Canadian warble.

  4. Just once, I want a reenactment of the Nativity where the innkeeper lets Mary & Joseph in. Blasphemous? Probably. Awesome? YES!! Josh was the innkeeper this year….it was tempting, but he was fortunately better behaved than my thoughts.

  5. I cry every year when we put up and take the tree down. Nostalgia, home sickness, allergy to fake trees, all of the above? I don’t know I just do every year. That’s right, I cry.

  6. Lastly, I know that Santa is real and I think you do too. I read one time that people who believe in the unbelievable live happier, fuller lives. Don’t fool yourself by being too grown up to believe. Just believe because Santa’s watching!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pajama Pants & Pinatas

Josh's family always has a Christmas pinata. It is always created by a family member and usually decorated festively. The extended family gets together on Christmas Eve and they bust it to shreds!! The tradition is two hits, starting with the youngest. My one experience with the Haws pinata is a bit different.

The pinata I experienced was similar in size and shape to a basketball. It dangled from the garage door track arm. It was covered in layers and layers of duct tape, because the older cousins were tired of not getting a swing at it. See Josh has like 100 first cousins, that's not a lie. So usually the kids his age don't get a chance to hit it. But not the year I was there, this industrial strength 75 proof basketball pinata made it all the way to Josh's brother who was 25 at the time. It probably survived 50 direct blows! Massively impressive!!

My family has adopted this pinata massacre tradition and I admit, it's a really good time.

At my house, we always get to open one present on Christmas Eve and it's always a pair of pajamas. My mom is the best at finding crazy pajamas. They either have a theme or they match or they have crazy socks with them. She is the Stacy London of Pajama Wear. Somewhere along the way as children we started this game of racing to see who could run to their room, change into their pajamas and run back to the tree first. The winner gets to do their little victory dance for everyone! It's always a big debate about who makes it first. This tradition lingers no matter what age we are. It's never a fair race, some of us have kids to help change and some of us move slower than others, but without fail the last set of jammies gets opened there is a moment of silence and then the sprint begins. Until one year.....

The last set of pajamas gets opened....there is the moment of anticipation. It tingles in the air a little, everyone is waiting for someone to make the first move. A boy did he!! Brother-in-law jumped to his feet and dropped his draws right in the middle of the family room! And man did we scurry!! And of course he won! He saved valuable time not running to his room and back. And when the shock wore off I was envious, twenty some odd years of racing and I'd never ever ever thought of that! Never thought how to skim minutes of my change time, uhhh! He's a true competitor and for that you can't fault him. All you can do is ask yourself, think he'd run if did the same next year??

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tinsel Man

“Toto, I’m just not feeling holiday cheer.” Dorothy moped around in her pjs of candy canes and reindeer. “Honestly what in the world is a perfectly cute girl to do? I’m feeling oh so stinking holiday blue.”


And Toto being the love of her life, wanted to do his best to stop her strife. He cuddled, he kissed, he nuzzled her hair, but the blues were too much for one cairn terrier. And so he did what any good dog would do, Toto howled for her friends then chewed on her shoe.


Smarty scarecrow arrived and did his golly-gee best, but Dorothy would not give the sniffling a rest. A cheery lion arrived with not an ounce of fear, but the girl just sat with one giant tear. And who tried next to make the blubbering stop? Tinsel Man sparkling from foot to funnel top! Yes the Tin Man, 11 months of the year. But in December he was Tinsel from toes to ears.


He sparkled, he shimmered, he did the Tinsel Man dance. Every ounce was tinsel, even his pants. He sang loud of Christmas all the time blinging, and soon Dorothy was laughing and singing. He rustled and waved as he skipped out of sight, “Merry Christmas ya’ll and a Tinsel Goodnight!!”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

12 Days of Blogging

All right, so I issued a challenge on a whim and then was taken up on it! Most people think my challenges are too crazy and just say, "You crazy, Blitzen!" And then I don't have to fulfill said Challenge. This has saved me more than once. This is why I surround myself with reasonable people, they monitor me. Keep my impulses in check.

But not this time.... Tomorrow starts the 12 days of Christmas, This friend, I'll call her Cheerful, blogged about hitting a writers block and so then came the challenge. We'll blog about 12 random things for 12 days straight.

So tomorrow it begins, we aren't putting any rules on this, just that we both have to write something every day on the agreed topic. Have any suggestions for topics? Leave me a comment. We probably won't write on gun control, child slavery or the cost of shoes (what are your overheads?) because we'll it's Christmas folks and Buddy the Elf taught me that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

As a further disclaimer before this all starts I feel that I should warn you. School is out for winter break and I feel liberated to be me again. So the crazy is in full swing, you may suggest Yule Logs expecting to get a nice little Christmas story from me but maybe I'll post a recipe or a blog about Ren & Stimpy and a fake commercial they had on their show called Log! I can still sing the whole song! "It's Log, It's Log! It's big it's heavy it's wood. It's Log! It's Log! It's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log, come on and get a log. Your gonna get a log! Everyone wants a log! From Mayco."

So yeah...you've been warned. Type at ya tomorrow!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wuggies!

I was mocked a bit for my snuggies obsession of earlier this year. But just so you cool cats know, all the really cool kids know that awesomeness that is snuggy.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIGmvB-VUl0


Or as I prefer to call it, the wuggie!! That's right, no more mocking! Weezer even loves them! And we all know Weezer = Cool.

My wuggie is on back order right now but I promise you all some very high fashion America's Next Top Model shots of me rocking my wuggie when it arrives!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Mr. Grumpy Gills

I play a little game when I walk to the cafeteria here at work. I say Hi to everyone, whether I know them or not. Then for fun I give myself points for every response I get. Quarter of a point for a nod. Full point for a verbal response. Triple points if I scare them, not that I try to scare people just that some people are just jumpy. NO ONE, that's right not a one said hi back to me today and today was a high traffic day, I passed like 12 people. Why? I don't smell. I'm dressed nice today, combed my hair. The weather is perfect so we can't blame it on it being too hot. My work has the case of the grumpies!

And then I talked to Josh, and so does Josh! WHAT? Anyone who know Josh knows he would be the most boring rollercoaster ride ever, more like a train ride perfectly pleasant, level and steady. He is the most mellow, enjoyable, even-tempered person and he's grumpy too!

Chin up buckaroos! How come everyone is so grumpy right now, eh? Do we need to hug it out people? Time out for Coca-Cola? I present you with this joke in my attempt to help the grumpies of the world shake it off. Maybe we just need a laugh.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate.

I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car & opened the trunk.

Taking out two cardboard men, I unfolded them & stood them at the rear of my car, facing the oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it. They are in trench coats, exposing naked bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing to see my cardboard men, making it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Of course traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns, & waving like crazy, so it wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind and walked towards me I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing
here by the road?"

I couldn't believe he didn't know. So I told him.

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Jingle Jungle

How do you birds do it? How do you become accessorizing masters? We could literally be in the same outfit, black shirt and jeans and you look all hip and cool and I look all drabby and full of teenage angst! Teach me Obi won!

I've secretly picked out my accessories champion and I'm trying to master her great and powerful style. She is truly a superior accessorizer. An icon of all things that clasp - bracelets, necklaces, shoes, earrings. It's mega. She's got the ability to make a statement with a piece of flair. She's my bling idol.

Oh and my favorite thing about her? She never, no never, jangles. You know what I'm talking about. I swear she does the shake test before she leaves the house and if it rattles it comes off. You can admire her visually without having to hear it. No clankity clank, tinkle tink, bang whomp kapow! And I think that's half of her magical power, she's silent like a stephanie meyer's vampire and it draws you in. You feel the need to come closer because you have to see if she's wearing something you can't hear from three offices away that she has a bracelet on. The song isn't Silence is the sound of your bracelets clinking. No the song is Silence is Golden.

I'm onto your jewlery mantra, good accessory lady. Give me like maybe another 5 years in your presence and maybe I'll understand the art of necklaces and earrings that "go together" not match.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Me & the Piemaker!

Okay my blogging has gotten majorly inconsistent, but so has my life. And so I've become reflective on the idea of what I would do if I could just magically change the world to make the day to day more dynamic/entertaining/colorful? How would I technicolor dream coat my life?

Pushing Daisies!!! Tell me you people watched that show!! I started a protest the day they cancelled this show, I mailed mood enhancing pies, a pop-up book that guided them back to my tv set, but to no avail. It was just gone from my life. Sorrow.

Hmm where to start. Okay first, I'd love to have random singing, musical moments in my life. Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfQ488hHKpY

Truthfully I do this probably on a daily basis in my head and though an actual live action moment might not be 100% possible, I'd love the opportunity to be like "DJ, hit it!" and just sum up a conversation or a moment with a little tune or number. Sometimes words just miss the mark.

Second, set design. Life would be better if color, print, texture existed everywhere we were. You catch a little bit of it in the video clip above, but if you are really interested check out this website, there are some good photos of it. I just think sometimes life is boring because of the lack of inspiration in paint color and carpeting.

http://www.denofgeek.com/television/296961/design_appreciation_the_sets_of_pushing_daisies.html

I'm talking variety people! Patterns, plaids, bold colors! So help me if I go into one more tan on tan house that the wife calls Buttercream on Mocha!!

Third, I'd take the wardrobe in a heart beat! And if I could convince Josh to dress like the piemaker.....

Fourth, I'd create me a friend like Emerson Cod. He's the detective on the show and is a pushy, straight talking jerk. One of my favorite Emerson lines, "The truth ain't like puppies: a bunch running around and you pick your favorite." Words to live by, yo. However all ruff and gruff, he is lovable because he's quirky! He has this uncanny ability to get people in a rhyming rhythm when they speak. Usually the best minute of dialogue in the show. Just in normal dialogue and then suddenly it starts rhyming. I want to rhyme in my everyday speech and not have people think I'm mocking them. I tried it one day, people got angry thinking I was making fun of them. It wasn't pretty. Back to Emerson, he crochets! He has designed a pop-up book. He prefers to call people by nickname he has created only. Oh and he can dress. I have friends with elements. I've got an avid crocheter, and a great dresser, I even have a jerk. :) But the total package people, it'd be awesome. I'd want to carry him around in my purse.


Technicolored my life would be! It would still be life, just maybe more pleasing! What girl doesn't want her own soundtrack to her life, more pizazz in decor, wardrobe and an Emerson!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Manly Games and Melodies

"No! Avenge me!"

Josh is playing video games with his buddy and though he kindly has turned the sound down so that I don't have to hear grenade explosions, repetitive gun fire, or computer character death I do get to hear him as he hollers out his heroic moments and terror. "I rocked that guy!"

Josh tries really hard to keep it G rated for me. He says things like, "Hey Mister, that ain't very friendly." or "Oh no! They owned my faced!" I know it is going really well when he randomly giggles, it is really intense when he gets silent and it is really bad when he starts hollering! "That's horse crap! Kill that guy" "Take that pork chop guy!"

But my favorite part is while the map reloads. They sing, that is right two grown men who just moments ago were shooting people to bits in the virtual world are now belting it out. It is awesome. I'm guaranteed to hear "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" and at some point "Little diddy about Jack and Diane...." sometimes you get Girl from Impanema. It is the third random song that I love. You never really know what you are going to get. I've got my fingers crossed for a little Kelly Clarkson or Kanye West.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

You've served us well....adieu

Once upon a time there was a darling husband and wife who went on a little camp out. They remembered stopped to feed themselves prior to arriving at camp swinging by their neighborhood grocer to purchase their dinner. Just because they were eating in the car didn't mean they couldn't eat in style! They bought chicken, macaroni salad, Hawaiian rolls. It was a magnificent car meal. Wife in her over grabbing way had procured too many plastic forks at the deli. Not to being a waster, she tucked a fork up in the visor telling her husband that one day he would love her because he'd be somewhere and he'd be in desperate need of an eating utensil and then...... YES!! Thus was born "Emergency Fork!"



Fast forward to months later, we've had a few good snickers out of seeing Emergency Fork but most of the time neither of us remember it is even there. Poor neglected E.F. On this particular night, Josh is taking me on a hot date to dinner and the blazing Arizona sun is invading my retina. In a fit of blindness I fumbled for the visor and heard the fatal crack of damaged goods.
Woe is me!! I have ruined Emergency Fork! Josh grumbles at me and reaches up to jokingly discipline me with the carnage I have cause and in his grasping, he yells "EF DOWN!!!".....
It's over! There is no saving it now. Not even for memorial sake. And in between my sobbing and snickering at my failed attempt at emergency preparedness Josh points out very somberly, "Though fork may have left us, it has always left an imprint on us."




Thursday, August 6, 2009

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

I have this tender moment that keeps running around in my head from my recent trip to Washington. In all the fun, rushing and celebration of the trip I had the pleasure of sharing a quiet moment with two of my favorite girls, my niece Abby and my sweet sister-in-law Jessica. This moment of love, of giggles, of joy – this memory resonates peace to my soul.

Jessica is Josh’s twin and she is mentally disabled. Our Jessica is love. Abby just turned two. She is vivacious, quizzical, all things two! A visit to the Haws house is full of aunts, uncles and cousin visits, outings, projects and chats. It’s a blissful blitz from touchdown to takeoff. But for this brief moment I found myself sitting quietly in the same couch cushion on the couch next to my Jessie watching Abby play with her toys. Jessica always sits too close, it’s how she says, “I love you.” The house was still and we all seemed to be enjoying the moment. I put my arm around Jessica who happens to be the music aficionado in the family and started a silly version of Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes giving her a honk on the nose at the end. Jessica let out a pleasant squeal and I looked up to see Abby standing at the end of the couch waiting to join the party. I smiled at her and she floated forward in the way two year old princesses do and climbed onto my lap. Now I had my hands full but I wasn’t about to stop the fun! I’m Auntie Ellen! So I braced myself and we started another round, I worked one hand pointing out Jessie’s head, shoulder, knees and toes while simultaneously pointing out Abby’s eyes, ears, mouth and nose. Not only did they laugh when I finished, but they clapped! We moved on to other songs, “Three Little Monkeys” “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” all three of us completely happy to sit squished on one couch cushion singing sweet simple happy songs.

I don’t remember how the moment ended or why we stopped, but I will never forget the way they watched my hands as I did the actions, the way they laughed and clapped as I finished a song and the pure love we all felt for each other in that moment enveloped in a leather couch in Grandpa’s house in Washington.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Melts in your mouth, Not in your spine!

I have a darling friend who has been suffering from a major back problem the last few months. Diligent has friend followed doctors recommendations, stretching, bending, allowing them to poke and prod. Yes, there has been some relief, but mostly nothing. We all wait for the magical cure all.

I sprained my back muscles last week and I would say minutely began to understand what friend has been suffering. In my one-tenth way I understand how uncomfortable it is. My highest sympathies to you, friend! And so as I cruised the Internet this evening, my eye was naturally drawn to an inspiring article on CNN, "Blue M&M dye reduces spine injury in mice" Say what?? That's right! The blue dye they use in M&M and Gatorade if injected directly into the spinal cord can heal the spine! For rizzo!! (Rizzo - also a famous Muppets mouse) And so I'm thinking STAT! We need 30 CCs for friend! And then I read that there is a small interesting side effect... you start out looking like this...
Cute little creepy red eyed mouse. Look at him all sore back watching TV on his stomach just like my friend does. Poor buddy. Then they squirt you full of M&M blue and you end up looking like this....

Smurf Mouse!!! The thing is that the blue goes away. You only stay blue for "awhile." So the question is, would it be worth it? Would you go blue to get your function back? What if "awhile" is 3 weeks? 6 months? 2 years?

I totally would do it! For the medical bonus and because blue is beautiful. Not to mention slimming I hear! Holla!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Challenged.

We've had a joyous June. Josh's brother Nathan came home from his mission to Virginia and my brother Grant came home from his mission to Philadelphia as well! I squeezed girls camp in there too. In my own special way of doing things I thought oooh I know how, let's try come up with a person challenge!! So I challenged myself to do something I wouldn't normally do at each place and so here is the list:

1. WA state with Josh's Family: I really did two things of note. First, I rode a tractor. Yes I've been part of a farming family for how many years? 7. And yes this was my first time on a tractor. It was fun! Thanks Nate. And second, I went with the girls and got those extendo french manicure nails at a salon. Were they gorgeous? YES! Am I meant to have nails like that? NO! I made it a few weeks and then got all angsty because somehow my short nails I've allowed to become part of my personality and the long pretty nails were throwing off my groove and making me feel not me. Don't get me wrong, it was fun! Josh loved how pretty my hands looked. I just cracked, they didn't feel like me.

Embarrassing moment: I taught Josh's family about "awkward turtle." Everyone is laughing and trying it out. And they all go back to talking and I say to Josh and his cousin Alex, "You know when something is really awkward there is always the awkward sea turtle." And I throw my hands in my armpits and swing my elbows in the air while bobbing my head. Now they both hysterically laughed which is what I was going for, but then I looked up and about half the room had seen my dance but not heard what I said. Sweet moves Ellen!!

2. Girls camp: I actually tried really hard to obey the rules. Sounds boring right? But if you know me at all this is a huge challenge for me. So go me!

Embarrassing moment: I managed to pick the squeakiest bunk bed ever! I mean honestly I couldn't scratch my nose without a squeaky rendition of a John Sousa melody erupting. The embarrassing part is I kept forgetting how blasted squeaky it was. So I'm in the leaders cabin so there were always spiritual and deep conversations going on and during one particularly intense moment I walked over and plopped down to take off my shoes and just erupted the room with SCKAWEEEK!!! then starting giggling. The ladies just moved on, I don't think they really noticed but I was embarrassed and I thought it was hysterical.

3. OR state with my Family: I swam in a lake! It's not that I've never done this before it's just always a big deal when I do. I'm not a great swimmer. Okay the truth is, I'm not a swimmer. I don't like to have my face in the water it's oppressive. (Yes, I'm considering adult swim lessons.) But we were at this gorgeous lake, we had life vests, we were out on a rented boat and it was a beautiful day! And I just jumped! It was awesome!! Flipping freezing, but awesome!

Embarrassing moment: Not really as embarrassing as just ridiculous. My parents own the game Rock Band. And the girls - Shannon, Stacie and I decide we are going to rock it one night! So Stacie is singing, Shannon is shredding it on the guitar and I'm going to drum. But even on easy I can't even begin to play this song. So my brother Keith takes over the foot pedal and I'm still loosing and so now he's playing the foot pedal and beat boxing the rhythm of the drums to me so that hopefully I can just make it through the song. I finally did (Thank You Keith!!) but it was the special Olympics version of easy drumming on Rock Band.

So today is the 3rd of July both Josh and I have off work. Maybe I should go find something brave to do.... navel piercings anyone??

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Cleansing breathe….wooo-saaah! Welcome to edition 92 of Ellen-Makes-A-Fool-Of-Herself-Day!

Adventure One Part One!! Strutting across campus with a co-worker to get lunch and the groundskeepers are testing the sprinkler system. I am so enthralled in the story shes telling that I dont dodge that massive wave of water that is coming right at us! She expertly does, honestly like a well trained water dodging ballerina. I didnt get too wet really, but yes I walked head strong into a sprinkler in my work clothes. The groundskeeper openly laughed at me!! So in efforts to make myself look cool I act like it was all part of my plan and very cool-like I say, “One of these days Im just going to run right down the middle of all of these.” To which there was no response, a shoulder shrug, and a wide-eyed blank stare, leaving me wondering if our dear little groundskeeper understood a lick of my sarcastic English.

Adventure Two!! Background: Friend and I had just made a pact about the cafeteria just prior to sprinkler incident. See there is a new café group and as part of their ordering process you have to give them your name, they make your food, then you go to the cash register, give your name again and thats how they know what you ordered very new agey high tech melarachy. So in a secret pact, Friend and I had decided to give a different name every day. So I order my sandwich, café man asks for my name and I say “Ruby.” Suddenly there is a burst of giggles behind me.

“RUBY??!??” says my past co-worker from another department. “Your name is not Ruby.” (P.S. This outburst of hers totally nulled any possibility she had of joining any future potential undercover society that I may chair.)

“Oh, thats how its gonna be,” laughs the café man leaning over to read my name badge, “Okay Ellen, one sandwich it is.” I blushed, laughed and just said I wanted to see how long I could have gotten away with using a different name each day. Not really exposing my fear that somehow theyll be tracking how often I eat there, what I eat, what meals I prefer, how many calories I intake, and how many pounds that means Ill gain!! I just simply left it at, I just wanted to play with you crazy café folks. The three sandwich café boys and I are having a good laugh and I think as I walk away with my lunch, well hopefully theyll forget.

But apparently theyre magically computer tracks jokes too because in the 2 minutes it took to get my sandwich made the entire 10 man cafeteria team learned the story and everyone called me a different girls name as I left with my lunch. I was kindly wished out of the cafeteria with….

“See you later Penelope!”

“Debbie, would you like a receipt?”

“Enjoy your sandwich, Kate!”

“Have a good day, Amber!”

To which I finally waved and curtseyed as I fled the scene of my exposed crime!

Adventure One Part Two!! In a mad dash to get safely back to the security of my boring desk I took the side exit, the path people dont walk on thinking, “how can I embarrass myself if no one is there?” But groundskeeper man was waiting! As I walked towards my building he waved across the lawn to get my attention and then he signaled for me to sprint through the sprinklers as I had just moments ago threatened to do someday. He had understood!! And in some dizzying haze of misjudgment and “oh what the heck!” I sprinted out maybe ten yards until he started laughing and then ran back, only to notice about 4 people looking at me like I was a crazy loon!

I probably should have walked over and introduced myself as a new employee, “Ruby McDay.”

Friday, May 22, 2009

Elphaba says, "No good deed goes unpunished!!"

I had this fun idea at work this week. We are getting a new cafeteria/catering group in and they removed the coffee machines early. This is a serious tragedy. Honestly I spied several people wondering the halls with empty coffee mugs looking lost and forlorn. Productivity took a dramatic drop. And so I hatched my plan. I get a little giddy when I get to be fun and spontaneous. My homies and I put out some coffee, sodas and water with a little sign thanking people, is for fun! A little act of service thanking our peeps for taking care of our peeps! Fun right? As we set it up one of the girls said, “It is kind of like being the Easter bunny.” We were all giddy and chipper. Here is where it takes the ugly turn….

As we are setting up, mind you we had been there maybe 30 seconds we were attacked. Not by a swarm of bees, that would make this story cooler, but by a middle aged woman with manners of a poorly raised 8 year old. She literally stormed the table as though she’d never seen soda pop.

Mz. Thang: I hear you have Dr. P.
Me: Umm, I don’t know. Dig around in there.


So as I finish setting up she literally picks up every single can and puts it back in the ice bucket slowly getting more and more disgruntled as she can’t find a Dr. Pepper.

Ms. Thang: What no Dr. Pepper or Diets?
Me: Well, they are free sodas….

She then proceeded to take a soda, a water and a cup of coffee. I couldn’t help myself.

Me: If you could only take one, more people could get something.
Mz. Thang in her most snide voice: “Oh, I’m sharing with other people in my department.”
Then she just turned and left. No thanks, just turned and flew off back to her high castle in the sky. Here are the list of things that spontaneously and combustively went through my head as she left….
  1. “And then I’d kick her sir!” – Bartok from the movie Anastasia
  2. “No good deed goes unpunished!!” - I’m horribly addicted to the Wicked soundtrack right now.
  3. “Come talking that trash and I’ll pull your card….” - Dynamite Hack - Boys in da Hood
  4. “Adrienne!!” - Rocky
  5. She MUST be Canadian……

That’s right…all in a blink of an eye, that’s how my mind fought back! So take that! “No Dr. P for you!” -Soup Nazi voice.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

We call this dance...INTENSITY!!

My coworker and I have been working a set of meetings for my job. By "working a set of meetings" I mean that we get to set out pamphlets, refill candy bins and throw away other peoples garbage. Listen, I'm important, I have a name tag. Back to the story, on the lunch break for one of these meetings we had the pleasure of the the addition of the loud speaker in the room pumping out some seriously intense music. I mean "Jack Bauer saving the embassy from self imploding while restarting his own pace-maker and make a quiche" intense music. Now I've know this coworker for years now and we rounded the corner to "work the room" and spontaneously went into an unchoreographed intensity pose off!! This music just moved you to move! You had to throw down the two or three Jack moves you knew and we did in unison without ever exchanging a word or a look. She totally owned me. That's how you know, it's good tunes. We giggled, and got to work.

Ok, so here is where it gets good. You know what we noticed as we janitored, I mean secretaried that room? Intense music lead to quicker production Even though it was the same minute and a half of intense music replayed time and time again, it equalled serious results! We were making a room set-up time speed record, even with spontaneous explosive Ninja kicks, intruder spins and imaginary bullet dodges.

As we finished up our duties, attendees of the class arrived and guess what? People danced and posed. That's right! We aren't the only ones. It works on everyone. Think of the implications!! If you just pumped intense music from the heavens for half an hour every day! How much could the world get done? Is that an episode of the Simpsons in the making or what??

And if it didn't work, we came up with two other viable options for the song. Sea World dolphins show, it had a great moment for dolphins to "Jump & Twist!" or line waiting song for the new 24 ride at Universal Studios. Yeap, we cleaned/set up, defended the candy Jack Bauer style and came up with two possible other options for the song. Are we underpaid or what?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Derby is my middle name....

It's derby weekend! The run for the roses is upon us folks and I am ready, let me tell you!! Start time - check. Horse choices - check. I'm going with Papa Clem. Josh's choice is Freisan Fire. I'm going to try and talk him into betting some house chore on the race. You know dishes for a month or something. Traditional foods - check. I've got benedictine dip mixed and in the fridge. (cucumber veggie dip, it's killer good, let me know if you want the recipe) And the fixings for Derby pie are awaiting race day!

And this year, I've got a little something special. I apparently have decided to take a vacation from my problem by pretending I am a rich racehorse owner. I've decorated the silks my jockey would wear. Dashing, aren't they?
I've picked out the hat I would wear, that I wouldn't blink an eye about spend $225 for. "Shannon, do you like my hat?" (Name that movie!!)


I even tried to figure out what I would name my horse, until I realized there were all these intricate rules. How can racehorse owners on one hand wear these silly hats and then on the other have outrageous rules concerning name creation? I call shenanigans on you race horse owners or America. Shenanigans - now that there is a good horse name.

Monday, April 27, 2009

The devil is a professor

I learned at church last week that there are over 100 names for Jesus in the scriptures. And this week I learned a new name for Satan. Professor.

I am not naive enough to think that a class called Research Methods should be easy. And it's not. However, how did I go from having 45 minute to an hour of home each week to just finishing eight and a half hours worth of homework for this week?? All so I can write a 32 page, 5421 word document on a hypothetical potential research project that I will never actually research? No lying, there was a moment in class where we all realized, so we're just supposed to make the majority of this up? That's right folks, cause I'm supposed to write 4 letters I'll never mail and make a survey that I'll never survend. (is that even a word?)

In my researchy dream world, I'm reimbursing people for medical expenses. Take that no guidelines!! My research may potentially end up costing more money that it would ever make and I'm okay with that. In my researchy dream world, my research may solve world hunger or stop swine flu or somehow make me famous.

Cause you know what happens when your famous? You have a world premier of your movie in Tempe AZ and they close the freeway for you for 15 minutes at rush hour. You get a six black suburban, two motorcycle cops and one cop car escort to the movie theater. Did you solve world hunger or stop swine flu? Nah! You made a movie. Heroes escort!

Well guess what Wolverine? I can reference like one bad mama jamma. Top that tin man.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Beware....Beware the Shreiking Eels!

"Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels. "

Anyone else think there is something ominous in the fact that the fridge in my new apartment sounds a little like the shrieking eels Vizzini warns Buttercup about? You don't notice it during the day, but at night when you go in to fill up your water with precious refrigerated water or grab a cheese stick. Oh the wailing!!

I'm going to take it as my refrigerators nice way of reminding me I'm trying to lose weight by terrifying the inner child in me each time I step in my kitchen. Maybe this place has some hidden ROUSes to help me get my dishes done and a sandpit that will force me into timely homework completion.

I think I just wrote a good sales pitch for What about Bob 2. "Dedication by Terror: New Steps to Improving Your Life" by Dr. Leo Marvin.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Inner, Inner Office, Inner Office Pressure!!

I am not the youngest employee in my office but I am the most technically savvy. It appears that at my job there is a space-time continuum that happens when you reach the age of 40 where you lose 70% of your computer technical abilities. Zoom! It’s just gone. And for some reason, I think it’s kind of cute. I like getting out of my chair to help people make a PDF document, create a folder. Makes me feel helpful and like I did my scoutly good turn daily.

Today I overheard the single best technology conversation:

Him: My blackberry made me change my password this weekend.
Her: I hate that.
Him: The problem was I forgot the password!
Her: Oh No!
Him: Did you know if you try it 10 times with the wrong password that the blackberry erases all of the information on it?
Her: That is quite the consequence!

I cried due to holding in the giggles. I’m laughing even now. Sometime technology just isn’t fair ya’ll. I did tell him I could think of worse consequences. It could have emailed everyone in his contacts all the pictures on his phone. It could of given him a low grade shock each time he put in the wrong password or better yet, it could have exploded. Now that is quite the consequence.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

And the winner is.....

Peep House!
Congratulations to our winner and thank you to all of our lovely contestants. You rock. Watch for your packet in the mail.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Peep Show contestants

Contestant #1 - Totem Peep!



Note the rare Easter Egge peach flavored peeps, chocolate mousse peep and tulip shaped peep.


Contestant #2 - Peeps at the Air Show!


Contestant #3 - Peep House

Vote for your favorite using the buttons in the right side bar. Good luck contestants!!

Monday, April 6, 2009




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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Where's all my Peeps?

I love spring. I love green grass, blooming trees, spring training, the feeling of being twitterpated. (Thank you Bambi for some outstanding lingo!) I love me some springtime. I also love it because it mean Easter, which means Easter candy….which means PEEPS!!


I consider myself a Peeps aficionado. Purely based upon consumption. I am sure I have eaten hundreds of Peeps over my lifetime. I can tell you that without a shred of doubt, chick peeps are better than bunny peeps. The sugar/mallow balance on a chick peep is yin-yang like in its perfection. Bunny peeps there is too much sugar which means too much mess. Also when you separate the bunnies they lose their form, which causes them to lose major presentation points. What do you want to eat? A perfect shaped chick or a deformed bunny? Also…. Don’t waste your time…just buy yellow. If you must, pink than blue. But yellow is the way to go. Classic and tasty, sure the sugar isn’t flavored, but I promise they taste better. Wouldn’t an Iron Chef episode with the secret of Peeps be the best?? And did you know that peeps are an art medium? That’s right….check out the Peeps Show!! Sounds sexy but it’s g-rated I promise….


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/03/21/GA2008032101983.html#


So bring it. I challenge you to a Peep Off. You don’t have to do a diorama just do something fun with Peeps and take a photo or a video and submit it to the competition. Submissions can be sent to me at peepsshow@gmail.com to be posted on this blog. Final submission date of April 7th. We’ll have voting on April 8th, with a winner announced April 9th. Winner will of course have tons of glory and I will mail you a Peeps Prize package with yellow chick peeps and other Peeps paraphernalia.

Game on! Watch for my submission this week!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Moses supposes his toes are roses...

I come for a line of snorers. We like to be heard even in our quite time. Just a little reminder to all predators that we don’t back down, we sounds vicious even in our sleep. Yes, it also means we can never go in hiding, but we aren’t ninnies!! We roar like lions even when in full relaxed repose. It was part of the noise of the house as you fell asleep growing up. You came to depend on it, as long as it was at least 2 rooms away. We all have limitations. You didn’t realize the intensity Dad had until it was in a room with you. The man is the Niagara Falls of snoring!

At about 16 my family went on vacation, we had the biggest hotel room I have ever seen. It was ginormous! How my Dad managed to find rooms that could sleep 7 people makes him a hero! The sleeping arrangements were creative. Mom and Dad had a bed, I was sleeping with Sister in the other bed. One set of brothers on the pull out sofa and the youngest brother on a sleeping mat on the floor. When you travel with Dad the goal is to fall asleep before him, or suffer the consequences. Unfortunately, I was wound up. I was on vacation!! Sister and I had the giggles. Midnight had rolled around and everyone was asleep except Sister and I, who were now stuck in the vortex of sound that is Dad’s snoring.

Sister said in her whispered voice: “Psst…Ellen, I read somewhere that if you make a noise louder than the snore, the snoring stops.”

Ah Ha!! We had a hypothesis!

Our first brilliant attempt was to flush the toilet. Cause we all know hotel toilets are darn loud! Not Squeeky the Magic Toilet loud, but loud. So I scurried across the room in the pitch dark hurdling brothers, made it to the bathroom and flushed the toilet. To no avail Dad kept it up. So for good measure, I flushed again. Even the double flush was not stopping him. I crept back to bed.

Next we tried to make something fall louder than the noise. I remember jumping on the bed, dropping a shoe, and tossing a tissue box. Nothing. He was in the groove!

Feeling defeated I tried to will myself to fall asleep. And then like a bolt of brilliance out of nowhere Sister just snored as loud as she could. “Waaaaaa! Chooooooo!!” I mean it echoed around the room it was so loud. The ensuing silence was inspiring......unbelievable......hysterical!! We climbed under the sheets like five year old children laughing and giggling and trying to stay quite. She had snored so loud it woke him up. He stumbled around the room for a few minutes, got a drink, settled back in bed and immediately started up the concert again. But we had proved it!! Hypothesis confirmed. A louder noise will stop snoring. This episode of The Wizard of Haws brought to you by Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Style

All long time ago (almost 2 years now) in a sandwich shop far far away(2 blocks from work), I waited in line with the dear friend GPJ. We stood in line approving of our ability to pick a sandwich shop where all of the Tempe police officers had chosen to come have lunch because let's face it, sandwiches taste better when surrounded by cute officers, am I right ladies??

So we are already girl giggling and as we inch to the front of the line when suddenly the customers part like the clouds in the sky, a ray of light breaks through the window and somewhere a baby smiled. There behind the counter at this little out of the way sandwich shop stood the most attractive courteous sandwich-order-taker boy I'd ever seen. All pierced, tattooed, courteous and minimum waging it. And completely oblivious to his pizazz! So before I can say anything to my girlfriend, it's my turn to order.

Being fully 100 percent in love with my husband, he's a gem - check 3 post back, I wasn't about to make a move. Straight up. But apparently somewhere inside of me just felt the young man deserved to know that he was one heck of a rooster. I placed my sandwich order and then suddenly I said, "I like your overall personal style." Bam! I'd just thrown it out there as he made the change for my meal. It was a totally awkward moment, one of the most awkward of my life as he sort of laughed, thanked me and told me my sandwich would be ready in a minute. I just took my receipt and sort of ran away.

Being as this was all witnessed by GPJ, it's become a legendary Ellen story. We all laugh. Compliment each other's personal overall style when we get new clothes. I still cringe a little every time it comes up...until last night.

We were out for St. Patrick's Day and as we are leaving the pub we pass a pretty handsome little man and no lie, he says to our friend, "I like your style." SHUT UP!! He stole my line! I thought about stopping the train and telling him, "No, no sir. The phrase would be I like your overall personal style." Sheesh, Rookies.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Way to go Mario!

Frequently asked questions....

1. Where did you get him from? We found him in the paper from a lady whose mother's dog had become too friendly with the neighborhood dogs and they'd found themselves in quite the predicament. There were 3 pups in the litter total. Mario has the birthright (firstborn son) and was the largest of the litter.

2. How long have you wanted a dog? We've been talking about getting a dog for probably about 6 months. I wanted a bulldog - english or french - but man are they spendy. So we started looking for cheaper dogs. I am opposed to buying a dog from the mall, personal opinion, I just don't trust mall puppy stores so that left us with breeders or dogs in the paper. I started checking the paper daily and we really liked the sound of a springador. Once we talked to the lady and went to meet him we were sold!

3. Why did you pick a springador? Josh grew up with a labrador on the farm. A black lab named Abu. I think secretly he was sold on the springador because of his good experience with Abu. I wanted a smart dog, that wasn't going to get too big. And Josh really didn't want what he lovingly refers to as a "rat dog." So we were looking for something midsized. We both agreed that we wanted a dog we could train, fairly extensively. When we saw the ad in the paper we did some reading up on springadors on the internet and they seems like a good fit for what we had agreed on in our dog compromising process.

4. What will Mario do when you are at work? We are kennel training Mario. He can go most nights, full night, in the kennel with no crying and no potty problems. The plan is that once he is trained he'll get up with me in the mornings, he'll get about an hour and a half of play time in the morning before we both leave and then he'll be kennelled while we are at work. Then freedom and walks and love until bedtime. But for now while we are training him it is a bit more intense. We are lucky that Josh is working from home right now and can do the training. Lucky.....

5. Who walks him? Right now we both do, because we are ridiculously in love. As soon as he gets bigger and better on his leash I'm going to use him as part of my weight loss program and start to jog with him. Check out Mario in walking action....



6. Who cleans up? We've split the duties. I'm the pee cleaner, Josh is the poopsmith.

7. Are you taking him to doggie training classes? Yes we will be. We want him to be awesome! I want all visitors to my home to never be afraid of my dog. I think for that to happen, people need to see that when I say, "sit." Mario sits. And when I say "stay." Mario doesn't move until I say, "okay." I want to be a total stickler about it because Mario has the ability to learn this because of his breed. Also I'd love for him to be a therapy dog. He's such a love, it would be selfish of me not to share.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Mario

For probably a whole summer of my marriage Josh and I would go over to the Wixom's house pretty much nightly, wait for them to put their kids to bed and then the four of us would run downstairs and play Mariokart. It rocked!! Josh always picked Mario as one of his drivers because when you pick Mario, he would taunt the other drivers with, "I'm a Mario! I'm a gonna win!" Josh still pulls that out from time to time.

Well, Mario wins again! He has found a way back into our homes as the names of our new puppy. Mario is a 10 week old Springador (half Springer Spaniel/half Labrador) puppy. I've attached photos so you can see our handsome little devil. I'm totally enamored with him. As a matter of fact, as I type he sits in my lap with his chin in my left elbow, just chilling.

Welcome home Mario. Any dogs who would like to challenge Mario to a foot race, give up now...He's a Mario! He's a gonna win!!!



Thursday, March 5, 2009

Testing 1,2,3

I've been taking my final for my leadership class for 2 hours now. I just came upon this question.


"Provided a “perfect world” explain the leadership theory that you feel best suits you and how you could utilize that theory in both your professional and personal lives. Give specific examples and use theory as presented in the book. "


You know it is time to stop for the night when the first thing that came to mind was PAPA SMURF and transformational leadership!! Granted it might be an interesting break for my teacher to read a short essay on how I would follow the leadership skills I learned from Papa Smurf and his ability to help the Smurf's reach their goal all the while becoming better Smurfs while at the same time become a better Papa Smurf himself each episode. I mean I could use really specific examples of the time they saved evil Azrael even though he's an evil kitty.



I'd give me points for creativity... throwing the hat in for tonight.


Smart Alec Smurf aka Ellen

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Nerd Joy

Ellen: Hey everybody! Josh is a college grad! Good story -

Josh: Is this going to be a long story?

Ellen: Josh finished his classes for LDS Business College in 2004. However, he graduated in December of 2008 because he never filled out a piece of paper.

Josh: I did so fill out the piece of paper. I got it filled out like 10 times, I just never got it signed by everybody. And the certificates says that I graduated in 2004.

Ellen: True dat. You just waited four years to get it. I still love you my little procrastinator. Readers, here is where Josh would respond usually but he's busy, because he got a graduation gift from his parents. What you might ask? Think long and hard folks. What would be Josh's dream idea of how spend extra cash. That's right ladies and gentlemen, meet our newest family addition....

Josh: It doesn't have a name yet. It's beautiful, she will have a name though.

Ellen: Josh bought computer parts so he could build a new computer. Did you know the average gestational period for a new computer in the Haws household is about 2 weeks? It was news to me cause I'm sitting here working away at a few things and he suddenly starts to dance the overbite white man boogie. And he says, "Oh yeah! That's sexy!" The tongue sticks out, the thumbs go up. He pranced down the hall and back up. I grabbed our camera to take a few pictures for documentation. (Honestly folks, I wish you were here cause as I'm typing this up there are random "so awesome!" "Yes!" "Oooh yeah!" coming from Josh's drooling mouth....sigh.....where was I) I snapped a few photos and then decided, oh no filming this moment would be much more fun and in true nerd fashion Josh delivers.

Shhhh....Don't tell the truck.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Double Nyquil on the Rocks

You know you've officially lost the battle to your cold when you are....

A. Sitting on the couch in your apartment,
B. Crying on the phone to your husband cause you can't open a bottle of stupid delicious spaghetti sauce,
C. Explaining that yes you tried to use a towel to help open it,
D. Yes, you tried to go ask the beefy neighbor to help you but you couldn't figure out how to open his gate.
E. Yes, you googled other solutions but we don’t have a rubber band anywhere,
F. And sadly, yes you realize he can’t come help you, you just need someone to cry to because you are frustrated.
G. And then as I sobbed away I started hysterically laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

Dear God,

Thank you for my Josh who is patient and kind even when I am full head winds into my crazy.

Amen

*** 20 minutes after I'd gotten after the phone with Josh and written this, he showed up, opened up my can of spaghetti sauce and drove back to work. Think he loves me? I do. *****

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Document1 - Microsoft Word

I found a new dream job. One of my tasks at work is to make things pretty. So I spend a lot of time looking at clip art and I realized this week that I could be a powerhouse in the clip art model world. Honestly have you stopped to think about that? They hire someone to do that! Someone somewhere got paid to show up and work with a photographer taking pictures pretending to be a family or a business woman or having a wedding then they got paid maybe $300 and signed the rights to the photo and their souls away to Microsoft. I would totally do it. Because I could work it out, dog! Resume time: I can make multitude of emotional faces, I can cry on demand and I look comfortable in a large number of different situations. Ambition: To be Microsoft Word Clip Art’s Zoolander. I figure there are six sub-categories to clip art modeling.







The first category is families/love. These pictures involve either handsome or average looking people doing things that Microsoft sees as family friendly events. For example: Sledding, playing X-Box (stupid product placement), eating, reading books. Depending on the grouping I could easily be the mother or the daughter.
The second category is movement. This is any picture that has some kind of action in it. The topics are wide and varied but the message is loud and clear. “Hey viewer…see us, we have momentum!” I imagine these models singing their own action music in their heads as they did the photo shoot. The third category is friends. According to the existing pictures on clip art you are only friends with people in your age group, who you look very similar to in age/gender/size/skin color/fashion type/shoe size or you are ultimate extremes. So my friends groups would have to be late 20 some-things, who are female/curvy/white/eclectic/8.5 or it would have to look like my group of friends actually looks, just with a filter on, so that my tan friends look darker and my white friends look whiter.

The fourth is what I’ve deemed the “creepy” category. Here is where some photographer went rogue on Microsoft, bless him, and Microsoft being too cheap used the photos anyhow. The photos are all political in nature and all creepy. I want to be in one. Honestly who doesn’t want to put on dramatic makeup and stare intently into the lens of a camera in the hopes of saving the world from global warming?


The fifth is…(get your Streisand Voice on) "people, people being people. Are the glorious people (dramatic pause) in the world!!" This category just has people being people. People reading books, drinking drinks, vacationing, eating a sandwich, taking pictures - people doing the things people do when they aren’t work for the man. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of clip art? As a Shakespearean aside with my stage whisper on, I did notice there was an interesting subcategory to this and really all the categories. There seems to be a whole lot of Asians going on. They are the most beautiful race in my opinion, but seriously give us white girls a chance.


The last and my favorite group is appendages models. Minus the regular bump, scratch or bruise with a regular manicure/pedicures, I could totally do this! I especially feel I could specialize as the model for the last photo I included in this series.





X-Ray Model. How cool is that? An airplane ride would go like this. Seat 13B: “So, going to Phoenix huh?” Ellen: “Yeah, I live there.” Seat 13B: “Yeah, me too.” Ellen: “Yeah.” Seat 13B: “So, what do you do for a living?” Ellen: “I’m an X-Ray Model.” Kapow!! Take that boring passenger 13B! Sigh, This is why I don’t talk to people on airplanes. I get tempted to lie, and lying is the lubrication on the slide to hell.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Warp Speed!

It has been raining in my beautiful city the last two days. It smells lovely. I have gorgeous clouds. I get to wear sweaters and be cold. It's wonderful. But I've also observed something. Let's start at the beginning.

All cars have several windshield wiping speeds. There is dribble speed - so slow you think it might be broken. Drizzle speed - slow but consistent. Standard speed. Gigawatt speed - now we mean business. Monsoon speed - starts to make you dizzy if you try to watch is go back and forth. Tornado speed - by this time don't get your finger caught under the wiper you will loose it. And finally drowning speed this will keep the windshield dry even underwater.

My next statement is a horrible generalization but honestly...prove me wrong. I ask you minivan drivers....why must you use Monsoon speed or higher even if only drizzle speed is needed? Your windshield has to be squealing at you. Screaming for mercy. That horrible "eeek, clunk! eek, clunk! eek, clunk!" noise! Do you need tornado speed for the teaspoon for accumulated liquid on your windshield? Maybe per capita minivan drivers just are a more cautious particular group. They like their windshields drip free. Even if it means all the squeaking. But I say we follow the lead for people who drive trucks. Look at the big F250 drivers for instance, they never turn their wipers on until they see Noah building a boat!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Anyone smell a little....danger?

I don't think I'm alone in this. However, like all things I believe that my hyper-drive of an imagination leads to an over exaggeration of the "danger" syndrome. Sometimes, I psych myself out. There is no danger, but I feel danger. My ninja senses tingle and I am prepared to defend my temple of a body and my casa de royale. Don't mess with me evil-doers, in these heightened moments, I am Jack Bower with a dash of 007 and the undeniable indestructibility of Elastigirl. Criminals, ye be warned!

I came home late from a friends house tonight and had to stop for gas in uncharted territory. I was so sluethy! I picked a friendly sounding exit. Chose a central gas pump. Kept my phone on me, never had my back to anyone. Made eye contact with the closest fellow pumpers. Started memorizing license plates in the parking lot. Oh yeah buddy, I was eye-witnesstastic! Then click! My tank was full and I was off. Nobody messed with me, they could see I meant serious business. Serious business indeed.

When I got home I googled crime stats in that neighborhood and found that compared to my neighborhood I was practically pumping gas with Mr. Rogers and Mother Teresa. You think they'd have smiled more.