Sunday, December 20, 2009

5 Things I Hate About Walbart aka the Evil Empire

Besides taking advantage of their employees, running local grocery stores into oblivion, claiming to have the best sales but always seeming to cost more, there are other things I dislike about the Evil Empire know as Walmart or as Josh calls it, Walbart.

1. Overpopulation of fish tanks - have you seen all those poor suckers crammed into one little tank?? It's a crying shame in my opinion. You can almost here them, "Help me!!" Nemo is probably waging his special fin finger at you, Walbart. For the record - Josh wants everyone to know that he thinks that the fish like this. They swim in schools maybe they actually think this is comfortable.

2. Seriously Miley Cyrus?? Voted by teenagers as the worst celebrity influence on teenagers. Good work Walbart! Way to know your market. Thanks for making her immodest clothes available at low prices so all teens can be just like her. Next season, teen boy clothes by Tiger Woods & David Letterman.

3. Okay really this picture is sad, but funny at the same time. Do we really need warning signs like this? Don't tupperware your child, it does not keep them minty fresh. And on the obscure chance you do, you now can't sue Walbart!

4. As if stocking the check out aisles with candy and toys is not evil enough, now you build an indoor playland? Evil. I could approve if just one ride was free, but no..... Also how come the rides have to sing even when they aren't in motion. While standing in line for 20 minutes while your cashier price checks tater tots I get to hear the Pooh Bear song 11 times. You just add to the rage in the cage.

5. Okay, Josh said he'd never noticed this until I pointed them out, but people, the parking lot is always full of the harbingers of death. I know every grocery store has birds in the parking lot, but crows? Evil attack crows?!?! Does that put you in the grocery spirit? Your all walking to the store door and in your head thinking "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, snuggly little....ooh hey look at that crow tearing the eyes out of the baby doll. And that one eating rocks...surely they won't rise up one day and attack us for our luscious food goods." I'm telling you - eminent doom!! And it's not just my store, you see them at your store too! You know it's true! Caw-caw!!!


The Wixom Zoo said...

Seriously, you need to move on with the fear of birds thing. Maybe get a parakeet? Great one today. What's up for tomorrow?

P.S. Word verification: holycha. Hahahaha!!!