Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Eat more beef

Shhh....I have an insider tip. Want to know where all the hooligans hang out? Where the mini mobs plan there hits? It is where the ruffians go on a Saturday night. This may surprise, but it has a "C" that rhymes with "T" and that stands for trouble. My insider tip came from a local police officer.

I was a passenger in a vehicle that was pulled over for a wide turn this weekend. And Officer Trusty comes to the window and asks us why we thought we had been pulled over, could it be the sixth person riding in the trunk area of the vehicle that was now lying on the floor that he didn't notice? Nope, it was because of a wide turn. He then asked for license and registration and as our driver pulls the documents out he gets looking around the vehicle and says suspiciously with the cop drawl, "You ladies coming from Chickfila?"

There you have it ladies and gentleman!! Chickfila! Be advised, apparently some serious shenanigans involving those delicious waffle fries take place. And if you must eat there just remember, spicy mustard dip will temporarily blind an attacker. Grab the corner of the packet and pull with force and the package will do the rest for you. It automatically spits every flipping time!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Lenny Briscoe, you are a delight!!

If L&OJA (Law & Order Junkies Anonymous) has taught me anything, I've learned to keep my desire of being cast in a walk-on role alive!! First, I don't care which L&O it is. Original Flavor, SVU, Criminal Intent, Miami Vice….love them all!!! Okay Miami Vice doesn't exist but if it did, I'd watch it. Why? Because they are all great. I am slightly uncomfortable with the saxophone rendition of the theme music for Criminal Intent, but they have Goran so they are forgiven. Do you understand the level of my nerdiness for Law & Order? You know it is bad, when Josh and I will watch the simultaneous TNT & USA marathons and we get disappointed because we have already seen both of the episodes currently airing. I knew it had entered a new realm when I recognized the kidnapped child in an SVU episode as a repeated actor from an episode in Original Flavor series. And that is why my hope is alive, if crappy boy actor can be seen in two episode why wouldn't they want me for one episode! Here is the dream: I either want to be the dead or the jury forewoman.

As the dead you usually get a few lines before the opening credits or at least a few dramatic shots of you jogging in the park or dancing at a party or fighting with a member of the other sex. Then they cut to the credits and when they come back the tell tale signs of police tape and there I would be, dead as a doornail. Not to mention I want to die gross. Throw me off a building, smoosh me with a train, poison me with acid. LOVE IT!! For heavens sake, don't let me be asphyxiated everyone on L&O dies by asphyxiation. And I want something secretive to be found in my autopsy so the detective has to go to the M.E.'s office. Maybe I recently got a tattoo and the new ink that was used was lace with some magnetic item that made me trackable by my gang who killed me cause I crossed enemy lines or something. See then the DA can sue everybody - the gang, the tattoo artist and the ink maker!!

Second scenario: I'm the jury forewoman. This one is just awesome because you get to be on screen a lot if it is the right episode in regular work clothes. You get to nod a lot, maybe look shocked and on the rare episode maybe pass around Exhibit P1-L. Passing around the exhibit is always one of the things you hope for because it could be a photo but it could be the gun in a bag, or the blanket of the baby in which case I could shed a tear and steal the show! Secret fact about me, I can cry on demand. Law & Order - you need my skillz!! And then my big moment….

Judge: "Jury forewoman, has the jury reached a verdict?"
Me, the jury forewoman: "We have."
Judge: "Please read it to the court."
Me, the jury forewoman: "In the case of Todd Sven vs. the State of NY we the jury find the defendant…"

And for the love of all things Jack McCoy, I hope I get to say guilty because that sweet moment is when we viewers all envision bad guys rotting in jail for 15 years to life! That moment is what we live for on L&O. Somebody queue the theme music. Doo, doo! And then the saxophone…wah, wah, wah!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dress for your day

I had a teacher in high school who would give you 10 free points on your finals if you came dressed up on the day of the test. Why? Because you were dressed for success. Wow, I felt you all roll your eyes from here. Listen I'm not stuffy. I'm not about to say that I want to see everyone go back to pantyhose, high heels and three piece navy with purple trim ladysuits. And I'm not about to claim to be the best dressed or even right on target every day with my fashion. But could we invent an appropriate meter and issue to everyone?

My work relaxed the dress code recently. "Dress for your day" they call it. It rocks. We get to wear jeans when we aren't interacting with customers. We can wear tennis shoes, even the occasional nice t-shirts. It's a great benefit. Love it. But there are always line-crossers and so it begins. We dress for our day and apparently some people's day involves a booty call. I know we don't have a booty call department. I also didn't know that we had a step aerobic department. Just because it is a skirted sweatsuit does not make it any more appropriate, you are still in sweats! And baseball hat man? Seriously.....

I hear in schools now they give kids stickers. Red if you were bad, yellow if you were okay and green if you were good. One day as a surprise maybe the people from What Not to Wear could come to my work and pass out Appropriately Dressed stickers. Stacy & Clinton would have a field day! And the worst dressed person could be on their show and cry about the difference it has made in their life. I hear the sound of a daytime Emmy!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Band name

In the illustrious words of Willy Wonka - "Mumbler! Seriously I can't understand a word you are saying!" However thanks to the incessant mumbler I frequently converse with I now have a great band name! We were a distance a way from each other so here is how the conversation went down and I'll write exactly what I heard not what she said.

Ellen: Wow, that guy can be high maintenance sometimes.

Mumbler: ::mumbling tones::, you seem to be strictly amigos though.


Mumbler: What?? Seriously you are so weird some times.

How great is the band name Strictly Amigos? I'm already designing shirts. The first shirt would look like you were wearing a sombrero and then slid it off your head and had it hanging around your neck.... you know, the front of the shirt shows just the image of a string the back has a big imprint of a sombrero and on the rim of the sombrero is printed Strictly Amigos. I'd wear it.

Our first album could be called En Fuego. And the cover can be three chihuahuas dressed up like this...

I tell you I am on to something here. Now I should go learn to play an instrument. Viva Las Strictly Amigos!!!