Friday, December 25, 2009

Why kids make Christmas so cool

Many moons ago a certain brother of mine snuck down in the middle of the night to check out the goodies Santa had left. Upon returning to the room he shared with my sister she asked if he saw anything she got. He said yes! She was getting something from F.K. She wondered all night. The next morning she woke up to a Phil Collins tape.

Side story: This reminds me that every year from about the time I turned 11 until I moved out that brother and I would always try and be the first to sneak a peek. On year we scared the holy beejeezees out of each other. I squealed a little, he kung fu jumped. Then we sat on the stairs and silent Muppet laughed. I think we snuck for peeks together after that.

Nephew says to me on the phone today, "Hi Auntie! We can bake cookies, brownies, make donuts and cakes now cause sister got an Easy Bake Oven!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I got a Wii."

Niece received bubbles as one of her little side gifts. She said, "We must go outside right now!" The temperature was below freezing in her home town today.

Then there is the accountant Niece. This one cracked me up, I understand the majority of what she says but today there was obviously excitement so I wasn't catching everything. What I was catching was the way she was telling me about her gifts. The conversation went like this.

"Merry Christmas, Niece! What did you get for Christmas?"

"My kitchen. Check.
My doll. Check.
Princess. Check.
Stickers. Check.
A Wii. Check. That's brothers.
Some candies. Check."

Yep, she's making a list, checking it twice. Merry Christmas to you all! Hope your day was filled with cheer and you too were able to check all your items off you list!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Keep your eye on the prize!

Sometimes you have to admit that the internet is just plain cool. Track Santa's journey around the world using this link:

Happy Christmas Eve Everyone!

Merry Frosty Christmas

I almost got in a rumble at CVS today. I've got my cold back and so I stopped to stock up on cold essentials. I'm waiting in line to check out and there is a very mean Ebenezett Scrooge making some purchases in front of me. Ya'll she was awful to my check out man. Let me explain that I have a particular affection for this check out man. He reminds me of Apu from QuickiMart in the Simpsons. He always is smiling and he is the nicest man ever. CVS check register man cannot be a fun job, but he always manages to greet me and be kind. I always make sure to check out with him.

So after being particularly nasty he still manages to muster up the courage to say, "Merry Christmas." To which she said, "Merry Frosty Christmas!" (She used a different f word.) Okay yes, I'll probably get shanked one day. Put that on my tombstone, she knew it would happen. I just can't stand ridiculously angry people taking it out on bystanders. And I so suddenly I found myself singing out loud, "And a Happy New Year!!" right to grumpy pants.

Wooooo! She spun on her toes "Oh you think your so funny!!!!" And then she even sort of approached. Cashier man looked terrified, I think he pushed the emergency CVS page button. Probably called in the film man and the pharmacist for back up. I just smiled sweetly at her like I meant it and she gave me a "PFFFTT!" and stormed out. I then stepped to the counter and purchased my items making sure to wish my register friend a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

That's a capital idea, Mr. Watson!

Yes I’m excited to see Sherlock Holmes, but that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about this crazy article and what it made me think of! Okay first of all doesn’t it make you smile that a Chippendale dancer won the overnight stay in home with the sexy leg lamp. Funny! I hope the Bumpkiss dogs kept him up all night!

Then I thought, seriously $4200 for one night? That’s a major profit! Listen I’ve always dreamed of owning a bed and breakfast and I think I just found my theme! I’ll have the main house for less adventurous vacationers and then little cabins that look like famous movie houses – you could do just Christmas houses for heaven’s sake! People could call in and book the Ralphie house. Or a Whoville bungalow. What about the Jack the Pumpkin King castle? Or a Polar Express train car? Large families can book the Home Alone House, included in the rental is a free pizza delivery with a gallon of milk. The houses wouldn’t have to have kitchens or anything, just look like the house from the front and then have a bathroom and then bedroom/bedrooms similar to the movie. Home Alone house would obviously have an attic room with a pull out couch.

Personally I’d want to stay in the Elf cabin.

Obviously as a bed and breakfast you’d have to make it more comfy, but you could make it look like this! Granted Josh and I would probably have to move or invest in a very large snow maker. Million dollar idea right here folks…anyone want to invest?

Idea Patented by Sheriff & Felon Associates RCPLMQT 2010

Monday, December 21, 2009

Miss Guided, Your Gift Giving Countess

Crickey!! We sure do have a beauty of a man living here in these wild grasses of my homeland. He sure is a beautiful specimen! A tricky little mate, bugga hard to predict his gift desires and wishes. Sure like any present predator he gives plenty of tale-tell hints but how can the hunter be sure of the target when shown twelve different keyboards which one will be the best bait?? It is quite the quandary. (Wouldn’t quandary be a funny word if said by Steve Irwin?) Okay I’m dropping the bit.

Listen, after a delicate debate with Josh and his brother I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I don’t agree with them but I know now the tricksy. At least the ticket for Haws men, if you don’t know exactly what to buy husband because you wrote it down in triplicate copy including serial number, model number and preferred colors, just give him cash or gift card. Plain and simple, to them it’s not impersonal. It’s freedom!!! They can frolic through purchasing freedomland! Yes, they like a sentimental gift periodically. But really, they would rather get what they want or get nothing at all. Bah Humbug……..okay I added that.

But, ouch right? For me a gift isn’t worth getting unless the person thought of me and picked something they thought I would like. Sure I’ll give people ideas, but I’d rather get a completely unexpected star throw pillow that I love, or a kick arse board game. It’s mega lame if I have to say, “Buy me a Purple Casio DJ Guitar set to Mandolin, yeah.” I’d like to think people can look at my personality and then purchase me something. The boys say this is an unrealistic expectation and romantic. Romantic I’ll give them, but unrealistic really? I don’t know about that.

Is this a man, woman difference? Will we be perpetually perturbed at each other’s gift giving skills? Yes in 2009, I’ll man up and just give the mate cash for the holiday, but shouldn’t he lady up and buy me an unexpected surprise?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

5 Things I Hate About Walbart aka the Evil Empire

Besides taking advantage of their employees, running local grocery stores into oblivion, claiming to have the best sales but always seeming to cost more, there are other things I dislike about the Evil Empire know as Walmart or as Josh calls it, Walbart.

1. Overpopulation of fish tanks - have you seen all those poor suckers crammed into one little tank?? It's a crying shame in my opinion. You can almost here them, "Help me!!" Nemo is probably waging his special fin finger at you, Walbart. For the record - Josh wants everyone to know that he thinks that the fish like this. They swim in schools maybe they actually think this is comfortable.

2. Seriously Miley Cyrus?? Voted by teenagers as the worst celebrity influence on teenagers. Good work Walbart! Way to know your market. Thanks for making her immodest clothes available at low prices so all teens can be just like her. Next season, teen boy clothes by Tiger Woods & David Letterman.

3. Okay really this picture is sad, but funny at the same time. Do we really need warning signs like this? Don't tupperware your child, it does not keep them minty fresh. And on the obscure chance you do, you now can't sue Walbart!

4. As if stocking the check out aisles with candy and toys is not evil enough, now you build an indoor playland? Evil. I could approve if just one ride was free, but no..... Also how come the rides have to sing even when they aren't in motion. While standing in line for 20 minutes while your cashier price checks tater tots I get to hear the Pooh Bear song 11 times. You just add to the rage in the cage.

5. Okay, Josh said he'd never noticed this until I pointed them out, but people, the parking lot is always full of the harbingers of death. I know every grocery store has birds in the parking lot, but crows? Evil attack crows?!?! Does that put you in the grocery spirit? Your all walking to the store door and in your head thinking "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, snuggly little....ooh hey look at that crow tearing the eyes out of the baby doll. And that one eating rocks...surely they won't rise up one day and attack us for our luscious food goods." I'm telling you - eminent doom!! And it's not just my store, you see them at your store too! You know it's true! Caw-caw!!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009


Christmas playlist:

  1. Barenaked Ladies - Footprints

  2. Carly Simon - Night Before Christmas - This is on the Mixed Nuts Soundtrack. Arguably the best Christmas cd ever created. I could just list all the songs from that album. Just purchase it. It's worth it!

  3. Harry Connick Jr - When My Heart Finds Christmas

  4. John Denver & The Muppets - Christmas is Coming

  5. King Singers - Stille Nacht - Oh yeah, that's my choir nerd showing!

  6. Augie Rios - Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?

  7. Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings

  8. John Lennon - Happy XMas

  9. Otis Redding - White Christmas

  10. Sarah McLachlan - Song for a Winter's Night - Side note: Sarah made a Christmas cd. It's the saddest, suicide inducing holiday cd ever. She has a gorgeous voice, but something in it makes me want to turn off all the lights, weep softly and rock gently. Not very Christmasy. Good try Sarah but I warn you folks this CD is not for a sad Christmas.

  11. Harry Connick Jr - I Pray On Christmas. - It's a dream of mine to lead a ward choir in a stirring rendition of this song someday.

I-pod playlist: (no particular order)

  1. Weezer - Love Is The Answer - love them!

  2. Muse - I Belong to You/Mon Coeur S'ouvre a ta Voix - killer oboe stylings that bring me joy!

  3. Swell Season - Low Rising - just buy their whole album, you won't regret it.

  4. Owl City - Fireflies -addicted to this song, it's just a happy song.

  5. Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me - this man's voice feels like a hug for my heartache, enough said.

  6. Indigo Girls - Second Time Around - a list from me wouldn't be complete without an IG song, I'm just feeling this song right now.

  7. The Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You

  8. Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive

  9. Glee Volume 1 - Hate On Me - gleek.

  10. Ben Folds - Learn to Live With What You Are

  11. Foo Fighters - can I just say everything?? I guess the pick for today would be All My Life.

A double cd set for your listening enjoyment!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Butt Bombs

Come with me on a journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then through the Lincoln Tunnel of my memories. I have this tender spot of a faint memory that is spurred by a certain Christmas song. Maybe the siblings can help fill in the spots here where I don’t have all the details.

I was in first grade when my Brother the Youngest was born. He had red hair as a baby and I thought because he was born in the same month as me he was my birthday present. He’s the best present I ever got!! This was maybe his second Christmas. The tree stood on top of the piano, (we apparently put a lot of things on top of the piano), so that Brother the Youngest couldn’t destroy ornaments. I think Maternal Grandpa was there and we decided to put on a little holiday show for him! Every kid thinks they put on excellent shows and we decided it would be our gift to him!

I can’t really remember what the majority of us did. I’m sure we sang, played the piano, danced, told jokes. It was a holiday extravaganza! What I vividly remember is Brother the Youngest’s routine. We had a record that had the Muppets singing a whole bunch of Christmas songs. Dressed in nothing but a diaper, Sister put on “Run, Run Reindeer.” After doing some generally adorable baby rump shaking, little man would start at one side of the room run across at full speed, jump straight up in the air and then land flat butted with a thump on his little diaper toosh.

“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!
“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!

It had to have hurt, but being the performer he was, he kept going for the length of the song because he was getting killer laughs! And I still giggle every time I hear that song I can’t help but visualize this little mostly nudist brother of mine booty bombing the floor after every “Reindeer!!!”

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Nylons..the other white meat

Don't eat nylons. It's probably really bad for you. The challenge today thanks to suggestion is other uses for nylon so you get to hear about my genius madre.

Madre had 5 kids who I personally think were all...switch to British professor voice....moderate geniuses with great imaginations and a superior talent of imagination. Okay more like pretty smart, sassy to the max and vocal, really vocal. The problem was if she didn't keep us busy we turned into havoc tornadoes!! The awesome thing was my Madre was superior at keeping 5 kids entertained. Seriously, highlight activities - homemade face paint, videotaping a reenactment of the three little bears, puppets out of Jello containers. She rocketh!

What does this have to do with nylons? I think we were a little out of control on year right before Halloween because suddenly we all get called to the kitchen table and Madre has the last 3 weeks of newspaper, four black pair of old nylons and paint. "Start wadding up the paper." She had Sister the Eldest take our little newspaper balls and stuff them down the legs of the nylons. So we diligently wadded and filled each leg, mind you I'm sure we tossed the balls around a few times before they went into the nylon. What's the fun if you can't toss them at the brothers, am I right? Then she had us tie all of the top part of the hose together. So now we had eight legs!! We were making a spider! How cool is Madre? She then helped us stretch on of the control tops up and over the remaining balls of newspaper and tied it at the top to make the head. Madre then painted the outline of eyes on the now head to our spider and we got to fill them in. It was totally awesome!! He sat on our piano and I thought he was so cool cause he was big and I had made him! Cause what's better than having created something?

I still get that way! Here's where I tie in the Christmas part....tomorrow we are doing a White Elephant exchange at work and so I decided to create my present. I made a scarf out of old work shirts. Check me out!!

Thanks Madre for empowering me to feel that I can create things!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Confessions

  1. I can’t help it, judge me if you must. I love Augie Rios’s song “Mamacita, Donde Estan Santa Claus?” It’s just not Christmas until I’ve heard it and sang along.

  2. I’ve never seen White Christmas or Polar Express. I do have White Christmas sitting patiently on my DVR. It’s my plan for Sunday afternoon.

  3. This is kind of a general confession but seems to be heightened at the holidays. I loathe with the passion of a thousand drumming monkeys blasted Celine Dion. She has one Christmas Album but I seem to hear her everywhere. HUSH Celine, I don’t want to hear your Canadian warble.

  4. Just once, I want a reenactment of the Nativity where the innkeeper lets Mary & Joseph in. Blasphemous? Probably. Awesome? YES!! Josh was the innkeeper this year….it was tempting, but he was fortunately better behaved than my thoughts.

  5. I cry every year when we put up and take the tree down. Nostalgia, home sickness, allergy to fake trees, all of the above? I don’t know I just do every year. That’s right, I cry.

  6. Lastly, I know that Santa is real and I think you do too. I read one time that people who believe in the unbelievable live happier, fuller lives. Don’t fool yourself by being too grown up to believe. Just believe because Santa’s watching!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pajama Pants & Pinatas

Josh's family always has a Christmas pinata. It is always created by a family member and usually decorated festively. The extended family gets together on Christmas Eve and they bust it to shreds!! The tradition is two hits, starting with the youngest. My one experience with the Haws pinata is a bit different.

The pinata I experienced was similar in size and shape to a basketball. It dangled from the garage door track arm. It was covered in layers and layers of duct tape, because the older cousins were tired of not getting a swing at it. See Josh has like 100 first cousins, that's not a lie. So usually the kids his age don't get a chance to hit it. But not the year I was there, this industrial strength 75 proof basketball pinata made it all the way to Josh's brother who was 25 at the time. It probably survived 50 direct blows! Massively impressive!!

My family has adopted this pinata massacre tradition and I admit, it's a really good time.

At my house, we always get to open one present on Christmas Eve and it's always a pair of pajamas. My mom is the best at finding crazy pajamas. They either have a theme or they match or they have crazy socks with them. She is the Stacy London of Pajama Wear. Somewhere along the way as children we started this game of racing to see who could run to their room, change into their pajamas and run back to the tree first. The winner gets to do their little victory dance for everyone! It's always a big debate about who makes it first. This tradition lingers no matter what age we are. It's never a fair race, some of us have kids to help change and some of us move slower than others, but without fail the last set of jammies gets opened there is a moment of silence and then the sprint begins. Until one year.....

The last set of pajamas gets opened....there is the moment of anticipation. It tingles in the air a little, everyone is waiting for someone to make the first move. A boy did he!! Brother-in-law jumped to his feet and dropped his draws right in the middle of the family room! And man did we scurry!! And of course he won! He saved valuable time not running to his room and back. And when the shock wore off I was envious, twenty some odd years of racing and I'd never ever ever thought of that! Never thought how to skim minutes of my change time, uhhh! He's a true competitor and for that you can't fault him. All you can do is ask yourself, think he'd run if did the same next year??

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tinsel Man

“Toto, I’m just not feeling holiday cheer.” Dorothy moped around in her pjs of candy canes and reindeer. “Honestly what in the world is a perfectly cute girl to do? I’m feeling oh so stinking holiday blue.”

And Toto being the love of her life, wanted to do his best to stop her strife. He cuddled, he kissed, he nuzzled her hair, but the blues were too much for one cairn terrier. And so he did what any good dog would do, Toto howled for her friends then chewed on her shoe.

Smarty scarecrow arrived and did his golly-gee best, but Dorothy would not give the sniffling a rest. A cheery lion arrived with not an ounce of fear, but the girl just sat with one giant tear. And who tried next to make the blubbering stop? Tinsel Man sparkling from foot to funnel top! Yes the Tin Man, 11 months of the year. But in December he was Tinsel from toes to ears.

He sparkled, he shimmered, he did the Tinsel Man dance. Every ounce was tinsel, even his pants. He sang loud of Christmas all the time blinging, and soon Dorothy was laughing and singing. He rustled and waved as he skipped out of sight, “Merry Christmas ya’ll and a Tinsel Goodnight!!”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

12 Days of Blogging

All right, so I issued a challenge on a whim and then was taken up on it! Most people think my challenges are too crazy and just say, "You crazy, Blitzen!" And then I don't have to fulfill said Challenge. This has saved me more than once. This is why I surround myself with reasonable people, they monitor me. Keep my impulses in check.

But not this time.... Tomorrow starts the 12 days of Christmas, This friend, I'll call her Cheerful, blogged about hitting a writers block and so then came the challenge. We'll blog about 12 random things for 12 days straight.

So tomorrow it begins, we aren't putting any rules on this, just that we both have to write something every day on the agreed topic. Have any suggestions for topics? Leave me a comment. We probably won't write on gun control, child slavery or the cost of shoes (what are your overheads?) because we'll it's Christmas folks and Buddy the Elf taught me that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

As a further disclaimer before this all starts I feel that I should warn you. School is out for winter break and I feel liberated to be me again. So the crazy is in full swing, you may suggest Yule Logs expecting to get a nice little Christmas story from me but maybe I'll post a recipe or a blog about Ren & Stimpy and a fake commercial they had on their show called Log! I can still sing the whole song! "It's Log, It's Log! It's big it's heavy it's wood. It's Log! It's Log! It's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log, come on and get a log. Your gonna get a log! Everyone wants a log! From Mayco."

So've been warned. Type at ya tomorrow!