Scary Stories

Pee-wee: Some night, huh?
Large Marge: On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building... And when they pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this...
Pee-wee: Aaaaaahh!
Large Marge: Yes, Sir, the worst accident I ever seen.

Scared the living day lights out of me as a child! I'll be the first to admit, I'm easy to scare. It doesn't help that I'm fun to scare as well. I was born with a severe fear twitch reaction. Scare me when I am sitting down and my body uncontrollably does the armadillo curl. But scare me when I'm standing up, beware the full body twitch landing in the ninja stance. Because apparently my reaction to attack is to KARATE CHOP! If I'm ever attacked I plan on defending myself with Deadly Karate Chop! Ye Be Warned….

I'm susceptible to all kinds of scares. Books - "Even Scarier Stories 2" I'm still haunted by the Old Lady putting together the puzzle story. And I recently learned Sister was making up stories all out of her own imagination. No one can even commiserate with me about the horror that is "Shh-POMP!" I still shutter when I hear the noise….

Movies get me too. I have a standing list of movies I just refuse to see and I will not see a scary movie in the theater. People laugh when you armadillo in movie seats. You should have seen me watching "I Am Legend." I was a total wreck.

But what is the worse? Real people scares.

Older Brother loves to scare people, is for fun. We had a basement in our house that Sister, Older Brother and I all had our bedrooms in. After 9:30 pm all bets were off concerning safe navigation through the basement. You knew he was going to be out in force. You always had two things against you: the basement was practically built for it, lots of blind corners and multiple stairways and the man has infinite patience.Ten years later and two specific scares still stick out to me.

We had a fridge in our basement that Mom kept drinks in. I got up one night and snuck off to go get a late night drink, leaving the lights off to complete the sneakiness of the behavior. I successfully navigated to our additional fridge and just as I opened the door….WHAMMO! He was curled up in a ball on top of the fridge and as I reached for my drink he reached down and grabbed my arm. REALLY? Who does that!!

On a dark cold night, I was leaving the bathroom we shared to go back to my room and all the lights were out so being very wise I peaked around all the corners heading back to my room. All was clear, he must be asleep. I shut off the bathroom light and as a precaution I still ran for it. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY! I went into karate chop mode. I think he bruised. Probably the worst scare of my life…. Where did he come from the coast was clear!! I had checked around the corners at eye level, I didn't expect him to be lying flat on the floor.

As such, I'll be passing on any haunted house outings this season. "I don't have to see it, Dottie. I lived it."

Flashbacks

My brain periodically gets set on perpetual shuffle. Random thought rush past me like crazy. Most of the time though, I'm like a broken CD player, random songs just spit out of me with no warning. About 60% of things that are said to me make me think of a song and I'd like to just have a Rodgers & Hammerstein moment right there! However, I usually keep it on the inside because wow, I would look crazy. I guess I could embrace that urge and get a job that allows me to have random singing moments and still blend in. Maybe a music teacher or a DMV employee. It's an option, I'm keeping my doors open.

I would guess that the majority of people know the songs I reference. But this morning I got the privilege of jamming to this beauty:

"Awesome possum watch him go,
How he does it I don't know,
He can climb right up a tree-E-E!
Defies the laws of gravity."

I have really cool relatives that live in Australia. They came to visit when I was about 8 and brought with them Don Spencer's Australia & Animals CD. Possum was one of the tracks. Imagine the Google search I did to find the artist and cd name. You find strange things when you Google Awesome Possum, like this shirt....

The internet really is a pit of weirdness.

Back to Don Spencer, the CD had 17 songs, I only remember 4. "Kookaburra", "Tasmanian Devil", "Possum" and my favorite "It's a Marsupial!" I learned today that Don Spencer is a combination of Peter, Paul & Mary meets Mr. Rogers for Australian children. He has done a lot of great work setting up a music foundation in Australia. Not to mention his daughter married Russell Crow. I must say, my hat is off to you Don Spencer. You write really catchy jingles.

Captain Quirk

Conquering Quirks... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Auntie Ellen Enterprise. Its mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Amy tagged me today. Here are the rules, here are my quirks.

Rules:

Link the person who tagged you (check)
Mention the rules on your blog (check)
Tell about six quirks of yours (check)
Tag six fellow bloggers to do the same (check)
Leave a comment to let them know (check)

Quirk One: Even if you are a stranger who appears to have leprosy I will tuck your t-shirt label in for you if it is sticking out the back of your shirt. I used to think I was being nice, but the older I get the more I think it is because I know I will think about you for days!! Seriously can't you feel it tickling your neck? Great googly moogly! I get itchy just thinking about it.

Quirk B: When someone is typing or talking and changes their counting mechanism as I just did. From numbers to letters. Straighten up and fly right.

Quirk Tres: I must be the last person to use the restroom before bedtime in the house. I will hold it and wait until I am sure final flushes have happened and then get up and go.

Quirk Four: I'll say it first, this one is just crazy. I have to roll my excess seatbelt material up into a cylinder that I tuck under the bottom part of the latch on my airplane seatbelt. It assures me safety in each flight. And check out my aliveness, I'm telling you people, this works like a charm.

Quirk Five: I read magazines from the back. That is where all the good stuff is anyhow.

Quirk Six: I must seperate M&M in this fashion in order to eat them. By color first. Then I must eat them until all colors have an equal number. Then I eat by color, I eat all the greens, then the reds etc. However I leave one of each color so that my last bite can be one mouthful that includes all colors.

I tag:

Joshy
Shannon
Jen
Beth
Lead Farmer
Staci

Close All Borders!

Sometimes this closing the border business sounds pretty serious. I vote we don't mess around, let's get American about it. All or nothing baby, let's close all borders! Keep out the Canadians too! Bwah ha ha ha! (that's the evil laugh)

Why? Because, they are the Decepticons of the border jumpers. They match. They swoop in take jobs from Americans and good jobs too. Acting jobs, rock star jobs, get out you stinking Northerners! And really the Mountie?.... Not to mention, Canadians are evil. Bet you didn't know. It's hard to tell because they are so pale, some of them - honestly - transparent even. Pale but evil, proof is in the pudding. Look, what evil masterminds Canadians are. They built tiny spy mechanisms into their coins. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16572783/ Seriously in their coins? That is Dr. Evil type stuff….Dr. Evil he was totally Canadian!!

Other Canadians hiding amongst us:

Celine Dion: Well tuned trumpet that someone is playing to make albums and apparently the rest of the world is a lot more forgiving of the twitchy than I am. She is like the Megatron of the Canadians in our country.

Pamela Anderson: Enough said.

Anna Paquin: is it just me or does she always appear to be on the edge of melting?

Keanu Reeves: Boring.

Avril Lavigne: I know people who love her music, I still take offense.

See they only take the good jobs!!

Wait…I can hear my sister now. Yes, we could learn from Canada. It has limited redeeming factors. I'd love free health insurance. I'd also love to have the good view of Niagara Falls. But they are in cahoots with the French and that is unacceptable.

Eat more beef

Shhh....I have an insider tip. Want to know where all the hooligans hang out? Where the mini mobs plan there hits? It is where the ruffians go on a Saturday night. This may surprise, but it has a "C" that rhymes with "T" and that stands for trouble. My insider tip came from a local police officer.

I was a passenger in a vehicle that was pulled over for a wide turn this weekend. And Officer Trusty comes to the window and asks us why we thought we had been pulled over, could it be the sixth person riding in the trunk area of the vehicle that was now lying on the floor that he didn't notice? Nope, it was because of a wide turn. He then asked for license and registration and as our driver pulls the documents out he gets looking around the vehicle and says suspiciously with the cop drawl, "You ladies coming from Chickfila?"

There you have it ladies and gentleman!! Chickfila! Be advised, apparently some serious shenanigans involving those delicious waffle fries take place. And if you must eat there just remember, spicy mustard dip will temporarily blind an attacker. Grab the corner of the packet and pull with force and the package will do the rest for you. It automatically spits every flipping time!

Lenny Briscoe, you are a delight!!

If L&OJA (Law & Order Junkies Anonymous) has taught me anything, I've learned to keep my desire of being cast in a walk-on role alive!! First, I don't care which L&O it is. Original Flavor, SVU, Criminal Intent, Miami Vice….love them all!!! Okay Miami Vice doesn't exist but if it did, I'd watch it. Why? Because they are all great. I am slightly uncomfortable with the saxophone rendition of the theme music for Criminal Intent, but they have Goran so they are forgiven. Do you understand the level of my nerdiness for Law & Order? You know it is bad, when Josh and I will watch the simultaneous TNT & USA marathons and we get disappointed because we have already seen both of the episodes currently airing. I knew it had entered a new realm when I recognized the kidnapped child in an SVU episode as a repeated actor from an episode in Original Flavor series. And that is why my hope is alive, if crappy boy actor can be seen in two episode why wouldn't they want me for one episode! Here is the dream: I either want to be the dead or the jury forewoman.

As the dead you usually get a few lines before the opening credits or at least a few dramatic shots of you jogging in the park or dancing at a party or fighting with a member of the other sex. Then they cut to the credits and when they come back the tell tale signs of police tape and there I would be, dead as a doornail. Not to mention I want to die gross. Throw me off a building, smoosh me with a train, poison me with acid. LOVE IT!! For heavens sake, don't let me be asphyxiated everyone on L&O dies by asphyxiation. And I want something secretive to be found in my autopsy so the detective has to go to the M.E.'s office. Maybe I recently got a tattoo and the new ink that was used was lace with some magnetic item that made me trackable by my gang who killed me cause I crossed enemy lines or something. See then the DA can sue everybody - the gang, the tattoo artist and the ink maker!!

Second scenario: I'm the jury forewoman. This one is just awesome because you get to be on screen a lot if it is the right episode in regular work clothes. You get to nod a lot, maybe look shocked and on the rare episode maybe pass around Exhibit P1-L. Passing around the exhibit is always one of the things you hope for because it could be a photo but it could be the gun in a bag, or the blanket of the baby in which case I could shed a tear and steal the show! Secret fact about me, I can cry on demand. Law & Order - you need my skillz!! And then my big moment….

Judge: "Jury forewoman, has the jury reached a verdict?"
Me, the jury forewoman: "We have."
Judge: "Please read it to the court."
Me, the jury forewoman: "In the case of Todd Sven vs. the State of NY we the jury find the defendant…"

And for the love of all things Jack McCoy, I hope I get to say guilty because that sweet moment is when we viewers all envision bad guys rotting in jail for 15 years to life! That moment is what we live for on L&O. Somebody queue the theme music. Doo, doo! And then the saxophone…wah, wah, wah!

Dress for your day

I had a teacher in high school who would give you 10 free points on your finals if you came dressed up on the day of the test. Why? Because you were dressed for success. Wow, I felt you all roll your eyes from here. Listen I'm not stuffy. I'm not about to say that I want to see everyone go back to pantyhose, high heels and three piece navy with purple trim ladysuits. And I'm not about to claim to be the best dressed or even right on target every day with my fashion. But could we invent an appropriate meter and issue to everyone?

My work relaxed the dress code recently. "Dress for your day" they call it. It rocks. We get to wear jeans when we aren't interacting with customers. We can wear tennis shoes, even the occasional nice t-shirts. It's a great benefit. Love it. But there are always line-crossers and so it begins. We dress for our day and apparently some people's day involves a booty call. I know we don't have a booty call department. I also didn't know that we had a step aerobic department. Just because it is a skirted sweatsuit does not make it any more appropriate, you are still in sweats! And baseball hat man? Seriously.....

I hear in schools now they give kids stickers. Red if you were bad, yellow if you were okay and green if you were good. One day as a surprise maybe the people from What Not to Wear could come to my work and pass out Appropriately Dressed stickers. Stacy & Clinton would have a field day! And the worst dressed person could be on their show and cry about the difference it has made in their life. I hear the sound of a daytime Emmy!!