Eat more beef

Shhh....I have an insider tip. Want to know where all the hooligans hang out? Where the mini mobs plan there hits? It is where the ruffians go on a Saturday night. This may surprise, but it has a "C" that rhymes with "T" and that stands for trouble. My insider tip came from a local police officer.

I was a passenger in a vehicle that was pulled over for a wide turn this weekend. And Officer Trusty comes to the window and asks us why we thought we had been pulled over, could it be the sixth person riding in the trunk area of the vehicle that was now lying on the floor that he didn't notice? Nope, it was because of a wide turn. He then asked for license and registration and as our driver pulls the documents out he gets looking around the vehicle and says suspiciously with the cop drawl, "You ladies coming from Chickfila?"

There you have it ladies and gentleman!! Chickfila! Be advised, apparently some serious shenanigans involving those delicious waffle fries take place. And if you must eat there just remember, spicy mustard dip will temporarily blind an attacker. Grab the corner of the packet and pull with force and the package will do the rest for you. It automatically spits every flipping time!

Lenny Briscoe, you are a delight!!

If L&OJA (Law & Order Junkies Anonymous) has taught me anything, I've learned to keep my desire of being cast in a walk-on role alive!! First, I don't care which L&O it is. Original Flavor, SVU, Criminal Intent, Miami Vice….love them all!!! Okay Miami Vice doesn't exist but if it did, I'd watch it. Why? Because they are all great. I am slightly uncomfortable with the saxophone rendition of the theme music for Criminal Intent, but they have Goran so they are forgiven. Do you understand the level of my nerdiness for Law & Order? You know it is bad, when Josh and I will watch the simultaneous TNT & USA marathons and we get disappointed because we have already seen both of the episodes currently airing. I knew it had entered a new realm when I recognized the kidnapped child in an SVU episode as a repeated actor from an episode in Original Flavor series. And that is why my hope is alive, if crappy boy actor can be seen in two episode why wouldn't they want me for one episode! Here is the dream: I either want to be the dead or the jury forewoman.

As the dead you usually get a few lines before the opening credits or at least a few dramatic shots of you jogging in the park or dancing at a party or fighting with a member of the other sex. Then they cut to the credits and when they come back the tell tale signs of police tape and there I would be, dead as a doornail. Not to mention I want to die gross. Throw me off a building, smoosh me with a train, poison me with acid. LOVE IT!! For heavens sake, don't let me be asphyxiated everyone on L&O dies by asphyxiation. And I want something secretive to be found in my autopsy so the detective has to go to the M.E.'s office. Maybe I recently got a tattoo and the new ink that was used was lace with some magnetic item that made me trackable by my gang who killed me cause I crossed enemy lines or something. See then the DA can sue everybody - the gang, the tattoo artist and the ink maker!!

Second scenario: I'm the jury forewoman. This one is just awesome because you get to be on screen a lot if it is the right episode in regular work clothes. You get to nod a lot, maybe look shocked and on the rare episode maybe pass around Exhibit P1-L. Passing around the exhibit is always one of the things you hope for because it could be a photo but it could be the gun in a bag, or the blanket of the baby in which case I could shed a tear and steal the show! Secret fact about me, I can cry on demand. Law & Order - you need my skillz!! And then my big moment….

Judge: "Jury forewoman, has the jury reached a verdict?"
Me, the jury forewoman: "We have."
Judge: "Please read it to the court."
Me, the jury forewoman: "In the case of Todd Sven vs. the State of NY we the jury find the defendant…"

And for the love of all things Jack McCoy, I hope I get to say guilty because that sweet moment is when we viewers all envision bad guys rotting in jail for 15 years to life! That moment is what we live for on L&O. Somebody queue the theme music. Doo, doo! And then the saxophone…wah, wah, wah!

Dress for your day

I had a teacher in high school who would give you 10 free points on your finals if you came dressed up on the day of the test. Why? Because you were dressed for success. Wow, I felt you all roll your eyes from here. Listen I'm not stuffy. I'm not about to say that I want to see everyone go back to pantyhose, high heels and three piece navy with purple trim ladysuits. And I'm not about to claim to be the best dressed or even right on target every day with my fashion. But could we invent an appropriate meter and issue to everyone?

My work relaxed the dress code recently. "Dress for your day" they call it. It rocks. We get to wear jeans when we aren't interacting with customers. We can wear tennis shoes, even the occasional nice t-shirts. It's a great benefit. Love it. But there are always line-crossers and so it begins. We dress for our day and apparently some people's day involves a booty call. I know we don't have a booty call department. I also didn't know that we had a step aerobic department. Just because it is a skirted sweatsuit does not make it any more appropriate, you are still in sweats! And baseball hat man? Seriously.....

I hear in schools now they give kids stickers. Red if you were bad, yellow if you were okay and green if you were good. One day as a surprise maybe the people from What Not to Wear could come to my work and pass out Appropriately Dressed stickers. Stacy & Clinton would have a field day! And the worst dressed person could be on their show and cry about the difference it has made in their life. I hear the sound of a daytime Emmy!!

Band name

In the illustrious words of Willy Wonka - "Mumbler! Seriously I can't understand a word you are saying!" However thanks to the incessant mumbler I frequently converse with I now have a great band name! We were a distance a way from each other so here is how the conversation went down and I'll write exactly what I heard not what she said.

Ellen: Wow, that guy can be high maintenance sometimes.

Mumbler: ::mumbling tones::, you seem to be strictly amigos though.

Ellen: STRICTLY AMIGOS??

Mumbler: What?? Seriously you are so weird some times.

How great is the band name Strictly Amigos? I'm already designing shirts. The first shirt would look like you were wearing a sombrero and then slid it off your head and had it hanging around your neck.... you know, the front of the shirt shows just the image of a string the back has a big imprint of a sombrero and on the rim of the sombrero is printed Strictly Amigos. I'd wear it.

Our first album could be called En Fuego. And the cover can be three chihuahuas dressed up like this...


I tell you I am on to something here. Now I should go learn to play an instrument. Viva Las Strictly Amigos!!!

Breaking up is hard to do....

You know when you get on haunted house rides at amusement parks they have signs that say "This ride uses smoke machines, loud noises, Hannah Montana music?" I'm starting to think more places in my life need warning sign. Either that or I'm higher maintenance than I thought.

Texas Roadhouse is what I would consider a pretty macho restaurant. Peanut shells you can throw anywhere, only a fork and a knife needed to eat, lots of steak. It's an all American man cave! This is why the Texas Roadhouse sneak attack was so effective. There I was I'm happy with my dinner, eating along listening to the dinner conversation and suddenly I realize, "Hey, this song is a lot louder." And then the waitresses are scrambling and then OH NO!! Yes, yes.... Last night I sat at the Texas Roadhouse watching my waitress "YEEHAW!" and boot-scoot between tables. Honestly, does this make my steak taste better? Because wow, uncomfortable.

Texas Roadhouse, do I have to add you to the banned restaurant list? Joe Crabshack is already there for this offense. No dancing waitresses. And the sneakiness of making it a new added feature, it was like finding out after 4 years of marriage your husband doesn't like pumpkin cookies! (true fact)

I suppose it adds variety to the waitresses job. In the time we were there they had to dance twice and yes, they had two different routines. Maybe some customers like dancing waitresses?? Is it the same group of customers that like the singing lady that comes to your table at the banned by Ellen Italian restaurant?

Texas Roadhouse, I think we should try a trial separation. I feel like you've been withholding your true self from me. You are no longer in the circle of trust. If at some future point, you do decide to get rid of the boot-scoot - call me.

"They should have sent a poet."

Things you can learn on the Internet:

Early Greeks believed that lightning was a weapon of Zeus. Thunderbolts were invented by Minerva the goddess of wisdom. Since lightning was a manifestation of the gods, any spot struck by lightning was regarded as sacred. Greek and Roman temples often were erected at these sites, where the gods were worshipped in an attempt to appease them.

The Moslems also attributed lightning and thunder to their god. The Koran says "He it is who showeth you lightning and launches the thunderbolts."

Scandinavian mythology alludes to Thor, the thunderer, who was the foe of all demons. Thor tossed lightning bolts at his enemies. Thor also gave us Thurs-day. In the pantheistic

Hindu religion, Indra was the god of heaven, lightning, rain, storms and thunder. The Maruts used the thunderbolts as weapons.

Umpundulo is the lightning bird-god of the Bantu tribesmen in Africa. Even today their medicine men go out in storms and bid the lightning to strike far away.

Even Santa Klaus gets into the act with his reindeer Donner (thunder) and Blitzen (lightning).

Things you can learn in real life:

At some points in your life you have those moments where you know you are seeing one of the most beautiful, rare things you will ever see. Tonight we experienced that. We've filmed it so hopefully you can understand. The rumble of thunder has been constant for 90 minutes now and what you'll see is lightening from one view in video one to show how often it was striking and from a 360 view in the second video so you can see how brilliant and all encompassing it is.

I find myself unnerved by the frequency, strength and rumble and yet drawn and overwhelmed by the illumination. I stand all amazed.

New Jobs and their Titles

I get to start a new job on Monday it has a very lengthy name. Agency Field Support Staff. AFSS. I'll be working for my wonderful company still, just in a different department with our sales force. I'm already playing with my job title. I like the AF part because it is true, but I understand from the other SS crew that the job is much more than support. Here are some of the potential ideas....

Super Slueths
Secret Samaris
Spectacular Stars
Sassy Secretaries
Sanity Specialists

Not that I'd get it put on my card. I just want to think, "Ellen Haws Agency Field Secret Samari at your service" when I introduce myself. Because really how rad is that??