Warp Speed!

It has been raining in my beautiful city the last two days. It smells lovely. I have gorgeous clouds. I get to wear sweaters and be cold. It's wonderful. But I've also observed something. Let's start at the beginning.

All cars have several windshield wiping speeds. There is dribble speed - so slow you think it might be broken. Drizzle speed - slow but consistent. Standard speed. Gigawatt speed - now we mean business. Monsoon speed - starts to make you dizzy if you try to watch is go back and forth. Tornado speed - by this time don't get your finger caught under the wiper you will loose it. And finally drowning speed this will keep the windshield dry even underwater.

My next statement is a horrible generalization but honestly...prove me wrong. I ask you minivan drivers....why must you use Monsoon speed or higher even if only drizzle speed is needed? Your windshield has to be squealing at you. Screaming for mercy. That horrible "eeek, clunk! eek, clunk! eek, clunk!" noise! Do you need tornado speed for the teaspoon for accumulated liquid on your windshield? Maybe per capita minivan drivers just are a more cautious particular group. They like their windshields drip free. Even if it means all the squeaking. But I say we follow the lead for people who drive trucks. Look at the big F250 drivers for instance, they never turn their wipers on until they see Noah building a boat!

Anyone smell a little....danger?

I don't think I'm alone in this. However, like all things I believe that my hyper-drive of an imagination leads to an over exaggeration of the "danger" syndrome. Sometimes, I psych myself out. There is no danger, but I feel danger. My ninja senses tingle and I am prepared to defend my temple of a body and my casa de royale. Don't mess with me evil-doers, in these heightened moments, I am Jack Bower with a dash of 007 and the undeniable indestructibility of Elastigirl. Criminals, ye be warned!

I came home late from a friends house tonight and had to stop for gas in uncharted territory. I was so sluethy! I picked a friendly sounding exit. Chose a central gas pump. Kept my phone on me, never had my back to anyone. Made eye contact with the closest fellow pumpers. Started memorizing license plates in the parking lot. Oh yeah buddy, I was eye-witnesstastic! Then click! My tank was full and I was off. Nobody messed with me, they could see I meant serious business. Serious business indeed.

When I got home I googled crime stats in that neighborhood and found that compared to my neighborhood I was practically pumping gas with Mr. Rogers and Mother Teresa. You think they'd have smiled more.

Snuggies - Round 2

Just in case you thought I was the only one who was obsessed.....

http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/02/04/1780135.aspx

TV has replaced imaginary friends.

You know you've had too much TV when:

I can't drive in the car without wondering if the song on the radio would be a good American Idol audition song for me. I try out a verse or two and then think, would this grab the judges attention or would it be too obscure? What would Kara say?

I've assigned characters from Heroes cheeky nicknames like we are pals. Pout than fit, White Wizard, Chief Clueless, Dr. Screw-up. I do this with acquaintances in real life, but let me remind you (and me apparently) these people aren't real.

I find myself seriously desirous to make pie and catch myself trying to speak in rhyming candor with my closest friends. (Pushing Daisies, if you've never seen this show you are seriously missing out.)

I wasn't feeling well this weekend and I caught myself doing a differential diagnosis with the characters from House about my health. When I realized I was even doing all the voices in my head I heard House say, "You idiot. We aren't real. However, Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."

Cats, Sneezes and Corners.

I go through periods of extreme impulsiveness in my life, this week I have been in my impulsive prime!

Tuesday: Peek-A-Boo!

I spent Tuesday running back and forth between buildings at work setting up meetings. One my 4th trip of the day I thought I spied my friend in the cafeteria. I had one of those ninja moments where your momentum has already carried you past the door but you are trying to stop so you do a ninja skid. You know what I'm talking about, one of those moments where if you were in a movie you'd hear "Screech!" It was quite a dramatic halt! But still I'm just past the door. So somewhere in my mind I decided in a split second it would be fun to grab the door frame and peek around the edges, sticking just my noggin out to my nose. I figure, my friend will laugh it will be awesome! So Peek-A-Boo! And to my surprise and his surprise I didn't know the person I was ridiculously peeking at. He definitely saw me to. And so in my very smooth way I kind of waved, it was more like a salute where you just stick your hand out there, and then I turned around and ran out. You know he went back to his desk and told his friends, "So there I was in the cafeteria and this crazy girl…." I'll think twice before doing that again.

Wednesday: Hee-hee-hee.

This has a back story so bear with me. We traveled a lot as a family when we were kids. Often hitting public restrooms. Once upon a time we stopped at a restaurant as a family to eat and flush and then continue on the drive. So we'd had a wonderful meal, I think my dad would feed us because it made us sleepy. Nothing better as a father than all five kids snoring on a road trip. I knew his evil plan. Where was I...oh yes...so we'd eaten and we got the command, "Everyone to the bathroom." So off the girls go. This was a very busy restaurant so there were lots of people, lots of stalls. My sister heads into a stall before me and she believes that I have followed her into the next stall. Seeing as impulsivity (I don't think that's a word, but I like it so it stays) runs in the family my sister sees my shoes in the next stall and decides to scare me. So she reaches under the stall grabs the leg and laughs menacingly "hee-hee-hee." Thing is…it wasn't me. My sister says she hid in the stall till she was sure the poor woman had left and then joined us in the van. Yes we still laugh about this at family get-togethers. Fast forward to Wednesday: I like to tell this story to people. Most of the people near me know this story. So, I found myself this week in a "juxtaposed johns" situation. Enter impulsiveness and yes, I grabbed my friend's foot in the next stall in a very crowded bathroom. I knew there would be one of two reactions, I got the second. "Eeeek!!" with a little jump. Now I'm silently cracking up in the adjacent stall and the restrooms is completely quiet, waiting. And so my wonderful friend says, "Excuse me, I sneezed."

Friday: Phantom Meowing.

All week I have heard a phantom meowing coming from the hallway outside my office. After review with colleagues, I had convinced myself it was a squeaky door, but it was louder than usual on Friday and more frequent so I went on the hunt. If it really was a cat stuck in a vent or lost in the building I was going to save it. So I'm prowling the 10 feet of hallway outside my office just waiting for a meow. Back and forth I go, even considering at one point saying "Here kitty-kitty." Nothing happened, no meowing. So as a last effort I decide to try all the doors and see if I can get the same meow noise. So there I am in the hall opening and closing doors, twisting door knobs and as I reach for the last door I hear, "Excuse me, can I help you?" here is the pearl of the week. I turned around to one of our friendly security guards and in a moment of embarrassment and fluster all I got out was "Phantom Kitty!" Good thing the guard was in a good mood, she laughed and opened the secured door by my office which "meows" or as you might call it squeaks when you open it. Then assured me they would get it fixed this weekend.

I think it might be best if I stay indoors this weekend secluded from people I don't want to make an idiot of myself around. To all victims in the above cases I apologize. I'll try to filter.

E

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!

:::Queue cool music and….play:::

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first ever advertisement rumble!! "oooh!" "aaaah!" "roar of the crowd"

In this corner we've got Mr. Mucus. Even the sight of him is yucky. I know he's cartoony and all but he's supposed to represent all the flem that is in your lungs from a cold. Not a pretty sight. We know he's rough and tough and hangs in till the end. He's represented by the good people of Mucinex along with his wife and son, Junior. He's icky, he's sticky, he's tricky, some butt he's gonna kicky…. Mr. Mucus!!

The audience chants: "Slimy! Slimy! Slimy!"


And in the other corner, Digger! Hailing from way down south, Digger is an itchy looking bugger. Again he is cartoony but he represents foot fungus. How attractive is that? Digger has a foot fetish and loves to sleep in your bed…of your toe nails that is! He's a tenacious little fighter who loves to multiply. He is represented by the kindly people of Lamisil. Able to discolor and weaken even the strongest of nails, feared by all sandal wearers. Ladies & Gentlemen all the way here from Footopia….Digger!

The audience chants: "Itchy! Itchy! Itchy!"
The audience leans in aggressively and (DING!) there's the bell!

Mr. Mucus jumps in strong with a left and a right. Digger is dancing knowing Mr. Mucus wears out quickly considering his formidable size and all. A beautiful jab from Digger. It's intense now fists flying everywhere… there is a disturbance ring side.. Folks you won't believe it…it can't be…are we sure? It appears a third contender has flown full force into the ring. Wow! That has got to sting!! Ladies and gentleman the fight is over. Both Mr. Mucus and Digger are down for the count. The ref looks around the ring for confirmation, he's raising our champion's arm. The winner and still reigning champion…Nasonex Bee!!What an amazing change of events!! Until next time learn your lesson Mucinex and Lamisil…taking something gross like an infection or fungus and making it a cartoon does not make it less gross. Good night to you all from the advertisement rumble arena. Signing off with a big thanks to our sponsors Embrel, this is Swollen the Joint. Again I say, goodnight.

Goal!!

This time is a perfect time to reflect on your life goals. What do I wish to accomplish? Where do I want to be in one year? How many pounds will I weigh next year? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I'm compiling a list of things I want to accomplish this year. They may not be lofty goals like solve world hunger or health centered like lose 40 lbs. That's my secret list. These are things I just feel I may need at some point so I'm making this the year! 2009 will be a year full of challenges!

1. Increase my "Head Shoulder Knees and Toes" foreign language collection. I've got English and Japanese and that's it folks! My goal is to attack my youngest brother when he gets home from his mission and learn it in Spanish. Why? Because you never know when you might be on TV and need to fill about 30 seconds of time. Just following an essential boy scout rule…be prepared!!

2. In 2009 I will learn to make rolls. Mine always fall flat, always! This is to further seal my team position on the "Red Dawn" team. You people need me…I make delicious carbohydrate fillers!

3. Beat Guitar Hero III on medium. Yes, that means adding the fourth pinky button. I will conquer it with the Band name "Crazy Chickens." Prepare yourself Guitar Hero for a dance with destiny. You will be defeated!

4. Create a cd of silly songs for my nieces and nephews. If I'm super ambitious maybe I'll write a few songs and sing a few on the cd but maybe it will just be a collection. I must do it because if I have learned anything this year, it is that music is impressionable to children's minds. Not only do they love it at the time but they will remember it 22 years later in the middle of the night and won't be able to stop singing the song for days! Peek into my mind for a minute and you'll hear: "I've got a new way to walk, walk, walk. I've got a new way to walk and it feels just fine!!" Thank you Sesame Street!

5. Spend more time with our friend, D. Because he may be a genius and one of the last truly individual thinkers in this world. He is the most quotable man on the planet.

6. Fight a french-canadian. I'd love to monkey punch one of those suckers! (that is a D line - see #5) Maybe it doesn't have to come to fisticuffs but I think it would be seriously satisfying. I suppose I could just flick a FC with my fingernail.

7. Lastly, start a croquet club. It's a classy game in need of a revival.