Merry Frosty Christmas

I almost got in a rumble at CVS today. I've got my cold back and so I stopped to stock up on cold essentials. I'm waiting in line to check out and there is a very mean Ebenezett Scrooge making some purchases in front of me. Ya'll she was awful to my check out man. Let me explain that I have a particular affection for this check out man. He reminds me of Apu from QuickiMart in the Simpsons. He always is smiling and he is the nicest man ever. CVS check register man cannot be a fun job, but he always manages to greet me and be kind. I always make sure to check out with him.

So after being particularly nasty he still manages to muster up the courage to say, "Merry Christmas." To which she said, "Merry Frosty Christmas!" (She used a different f word.) Okay yes, I'll probably get shanked one day. Put that on my tombstone, she knew it would happen. I just can't stand ridiculously angry people taking it out on bystanders. And I so suddenly I found myself singing out loud, "And a Happy New Year!!" right to grumpy pants.

Wooooo! She spun on her toes "Oh you think your so funny!!!!" And then she even sort of approached. Cashier man looked terrified, I think he pushed the emergency CVS page button. Probably called in the film man and the pharmacist for back up. I just smiled sweetly at her like I meant it and she gave me a "PFFFTT!" and stormed out. I then stepped to the counter and purchased my items making sure to wish my register friend a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

That's a capital idea, Mr. Watson!

Yes I’m excited to see Sherlock Holmes, but that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about this crazy article and what it made me think of! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34523276/ns/entertainment-movies/ Okay first of all doesn’t it make you smile that a Chippendale dancer won the overnight stay in home with the sexy leg lamp. Funny! I hope the Bumpkiss dogs kept him up all night!


Then I thought, seriously $4200 for one night? That’s a major profit! Listen I’ve always dreamed of owning a bed and breakfast and I think I just found my theme! I’ll have the main house for less adventurous vacationers and then little cabins that look like famous movie houses – you could do just Christmas houses for heaven’s sake! People could call in and book the Ralphie house. Or a Whoville bungalow. What about the Jack the Pumpkin King castle? Or a Polar Express train car? Large families can book the Home Alone House, included in the rental is a free pizza delivery with a gallon of milk. The houses wouldn’t have to have kitchens or anything, just look like the house from the front and then have a bathroom and then bedroom/bedrooms similar to the movie. Home Alone house would obviously have an attic room with a pull out couch.


Personally I’d want to stay in the Elf cabin.


Obviously as a bed and breakfast you’d have to make it more comfy, but you could make it look like this! Granted Josh and I would probably have to move or invest in a very large snow maker. Million dollar idea right here folks…anyone want to invest?

Idea Patented by Sheriff & Felon Associates RCPLMQT 2010

Miss Guided, Your Gift Giving Countess

Crickey!! We sure do have a beauty of a man living here in these wild grasses of my homeland. He sure is a beautiful specimen! A tricky little mate, bugga hard to predict his gift desires and wishes. Sure like any present predator he gives plenty of tale-tell hints but how can the hunter be sure of the target when shown twelve different keyboards which one will be the best bait?? It is quite the quandary. (Wouldn’t quandary be a funny word if said by Steve Irwin?) Okay I’m dropping the bit.

Listen, after a delicate debate with Josh and his brother I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I don’t agree with them but I know now the tricksy. At least the ticket for Haws men, if you don’t know exactly what to buy husband because you wrote it down in triplicate copy including serial number, model number and preferred colors, just give him cash or gift card. Plain and simple, to them it’s not impersonal. It’s freedom!!! They can frolic through purchasing freedomland! Yes, they like a sentimental gift periodically. But really, they would rather get what they want or get nothing at all. Bah Humbug……..okay I added that.

But, ouch right? For me a gift isn’t worth getting unless the person thought of me and picked something they thought I would like. Sure I’ll give people ideas, but I’d rather get a completely unexpected star throw pillow that I love, or a kick arse board game. It’s mega lame if I have to say, “Buy me a Purple Casio DJ Guitar set to Mandolin, yeah.” I’d like to think people can look at my personality and then purchase me something. The boys say this is an unrealistic expectation and romantic. Romantic I’ll give them, but unrealistic really? I don’t know about that.

Is this a man, woman difference? Will we be perpetually perturbed at each other’s gift giving skills? Yes in 2009, I’ll man up and just give the mate cash for the holiday, but shouldn’t he lady up and buy me an unexpected surprise?

5 Things I Hate About Walbart aka the Evil Empire

Besides taking advantage of their employees, running local grocery stores into oblivion, claiming to have the best sales but always seeming to cost more, there are other things I dislike about the Evil Empire know as Walmart or as Josh calls it, Walbart.

1. Overpopulation of fish tanks - have you seen all those poor suckers crammed into one little tank?? It's a crying shame in my opinion. You can almost here them, "Help me!!" Nemo is probably waging his special fin finger at you, Walbart. For the record - Josh wants everyone to know that he thinks that the fish like this. They swim in schools maybe they actually think this is comfortable.

2. Seriously Miley Cyrus?? Voted by teenagers as the worst celebrity influence on teenagers. http://www.ivillage.com/miley-cyrus-voted-worst-celebrity-influence/1-a-62280 Good work Walbart! Way to know your market. Thanks for making her immodest clothes available at low prices so all teens can be just like her. Next season, teen boy clothes by Tiger Woods & David Letterman.

3. Okay really this picture is sad, but funny at the same time. Do we really need warning signs like this? Don't tupperware your child, it does not keep them minty fresh. And on the obscure chance you do, you now can't sue Walbart!



4. As if stocking the check out aisles with candy and toys is not evil enough, now you build an indoor playland? Evil. I could approve if just one ride was free, but no..... Also how come the rides have to sing even when they aren't in motion. While standing in line for 20 minutes while your cashier price checks tater tots I get to hear the Pooh Bear song 11 times. You just add to the rage in the cage.



5. Okay, Josh said he'd never noticed this until I pointed them out, but people, the parking lot is always full of the harbingers of death. I know every grocery store has birds in the parking lot, but crows? Evil attack crows?!?! Does that put you in the grocery spirit? Your all walking to the store door and in your head thinking "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, snuggly little....ooh hey look at that crow tearing the eyes out of the baby doll. And that one eating rocks...surely they won't rise up one day and attack us for our luscious food goods." I'm telling you - eminent doom!! And it's not just my store, you see them at your store too! You know it's true! Caw-caw!!!

Playlists

Christmas playlist:

1. Barenaked Ladies - Footprints


2. Carly Simon - Night Before Christmas - This is on the Mixed Nuts Soundtrack. Arguably the best Christmas cd ever created. I could just list all the songs from that album. Just purchase it. It's worth it!


3. Harry Connick Jr - When My Heart Finds Christmas


4. John Denver & The Muppets - Christmas is Coming


5. King Singers - Stille Nacht - Oh yeah, that's my choir nerd showing!


6. Augie Rios - Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?


7. Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings


8. John Lennon - Happy XMas


9. Otis Redding - White Christmas


10. Sarah McLachlan - Song for a Winter's Night - Side note: Sarah made a Christmas cd. It's the saddest, suicide inducing holiday cd ever. She has a gorgeous voice, but something in it makes me want to turn off all the lights, weep softly and rock gently. Not very Christmasy. Good try Sarah but I warn you folks this CD is not for a sad Christmas.


11. Harry Connick Jr - I Pray On Christmas. - It's a dream of mine to lead a ward choir in a stirring rendition of this song someday.

I-pod playlist: (no particular order)

1. Weezer - Love Is The Answer - love them!


2. Muse - I Belong to You/Mon Coeur S'ouvre a ta Voix - killer oboe stylings that bring me joy!


3. Swell Season - Low Rising - just buy their whole album, you won't regret it.


4. Owl City - Fireflies -addicted to this song, it's just a happy song.


5. Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me - this man's voice feels like a hug for my heartache, enough said.


6. Indigo Girls - Second Time Around - a list from me wouldn't be complete without an IG song, I'm just feeling this song right now.


7. The Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You


8. Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive


9. Glee Volume 1 - Hate On Me - gleek.


10. Ben Folds - Learn to Live With What You Are


11. Foo Fighters - can I just say everything?? I guess the pick for today would be All My Life.

A double cd set for your listening enjoyment!

Butt Bombs

Come with me on a journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then through the Lincoln Tunnel of my memories. I have this tender spot of a faint memory that is spurred by a certain Christmas song. Maybe the siblings can help fill in the spots here where I don’t have all the details.

I was in first grade when my Brother the Youngest was born. He had red hair as a baby and I thought because he was born in the same month as me he was my birthday present. He’s the best present I ever got!! This was maybe his second Christmas. The tree stood on top of the piano, (we apparently put a lot of things on top of the piano), so that Brother the Youngest couldn’t destroy ornaments. I think Maternal Grandpa was there and we decided to put on a little holiday show for him! Every kid thinks they put on excellent shows and we decided it would be our gift to him!

I can’t really remember what the majority of us did. I’m sure we sang, played the piano, danced, told jokes. It was a holiday extravaganza! What I vividly remember is Brother the Youngest’s routine. We had a record that had the Muppets singing a whole bunch of Christmas songs. Dressed in nothing but a diaper, Sister put on “Run, Run Reindeer.” After doing some generally adorable baby rump shaking, little man would start at one side of the room run across at full speed, jump straight up in the air and then land flat butted with a thump on his little diaper toosh.

“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!
“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!

It had to have hurt, but being the performer he was, he kept going for the length of the song because he was getting killer laughs! And I still giggle every time I hear that song I can’t help but visualize this little mostly nudist brother of mine booty bombing the floor after every “Reindeer!!!”

Nylons..the other white meat

Don't eat nylons. It's probably really bad for you. The challenge today thanks to suggestion is other uses for nylon so you get to hear about my genius madre.

Madre had 5 kids who I personally think were all...switch to British professor voice....moderate geniuses with great imaginations and a superior talent of imagination. Okay more like pretty smart, sassy to the max and vocal, really vocal. The problem was if she didn't keep us busy we turned into havoc tornadoes!! The awesome thing was my Madre was superior at keeping 5 kids entertained. Seriously, highlight activities - homemade face paint, videotaping a reenactment of the three little bears, puppets out of Jello containers. She rocketh!

What does this have to do with nylons? I think we were a little out of control on year right before Halloween because suddenly we all get called to the kitchen table and Madre has the last 3 weeks of newspaper, four black pair of old nylons and paint. "Start wadding up the paper." She had Sister the Eldest take our little newspaper balls and stuff them down the legs of the nylons. So we diligently wadded and filled each leg, mind you I'm sure we tossed the balls around a few times before they went into the nylon. What's the fun if you can't toss them at the brothers, am I right? Then she had us tie all of the top part of the hose together. So now we had eight legs!! We were making a spider! How cool is Madre? She then helped us stretch on of the control tops up and over the remaining balls of newspaper and tied it at the top to make the head. Madre then painted the outline of eyes on the now head to our spider and we got to fill them in. It was totally awesome!! He sat on our piano and I thought he was so cool cause he was big and I had made him! Cause what's better than having created something?

I still get that way! Here's where I tie in the Christmas part....tomorrow we are doing a White Elephant exchange at work and so I decided to create my present. I made a scarf out of old work shirts. Check me out!!

Thanks Madre for empowering me to feel that I can create things!