The Wizard of Haws

Mega Jug!

2012-01-24T12:00:00.002-07:00

I swear I'm not the only one having cravings in the family. Josh can't get enough chicken right now. He loves him some chicken. We were collecting some dinner the other night and Josh really wanted KFC, something I can't eat. We hit the drive through and Josh said, "I want the number #5 and the biggest drink they have." So I get looking at the menu and their is S, M, L and Mega Jug. Being snarky I ordered Josh the Mega Jug, and boy are they not kidding. It is HUGE! Seriously could drown the thirst of 3 grown men. It is half a gallon of soda. Josh took one look at it and said, "I'm drinking that whole thing!" But, no he only was able to drink a quarter of a gallon of soda. And bless him for not drinking it all, smart smart man.

Fail Sauce

2011-12-21T22:35:00.002-07:00

I have totally failed at Christmas blogging this year or as Josh would say, "fail sauce." I don't know where my brain is this year. I keep forgetting things, major important things. Also small things like blogging. Wah-Wah. And so in a spirit of resolution at my lack of completing this task, I say Merry Christmas to you all!! Better luck to me next year!!

Cold Hearted Snake!

2011-12-17T22:03:00.002-07:00

Today I spread Christmas cheer by watching Christmas Wipeout. It was epic! Favorite challenge? Cold Hearted Snake. Some of the best wipeouts ever!!

Go find it! Hilarious!

Favorite Christmas Story

2011-12-16T13:54:00.003-07:00

Sunday at church for Young Women's we are teaching our Christmas lesson. The presidency had a really fun idea that each leader bring their favorite Christmas story and read it to the girls. Here is where my predicament begins.

I don't have a very large collection, or really no collection, or Christmas stories. I didn't realize what a Grinch I was. I come from good stock when it comes to these types of collections. My mom probably has 100 Christmas books. It is fun to visit her house and read them. Books about Santa, books about Jesus. It is a great collection. I just haven't caught the bug yet....

But then lightening struck this morning. I couldn't stop singing one of Michael McLean's Forgotten Carols. I realized I do have lots of Christmas stories, they are just all musical! I am looking forward to playing "Dream [Handel]" for the girls on Sunday. It is one of my favorite Christmas stories.

Best gifts?

2011-12-15T21:35:00.004-07:00

I quite often get sucked in by websites promising me the best or newest great gift to give. This year I was reviewing the top 100 best gifts as predicted by Amazon. Most of the things on the list were predictable, gadgets, perfume, fruit baskets. And then I found their 4 best books to give section. I was getting all excited thinking I'd found myself a little reading list of the books published this year that I had missed. Are you ready for the top 4 books of 2011?!?

1. Extended version of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"
2. Harry Potter book 6
3. Lord of the Rings series
4. The Chronicles of Narnia series

Yeah, not a single one written this year. Best buys of 2011? Maybe it should have said most purchased books of 2011. If that is so, I'm glad to see these classics living on, but slightly disappointed that according to Amazon nothing good has been printed or written since Harry P. I guess I can take comfort that Twilight is not on the list. Yes, I read them but they in no way rank with C.S. Lewis.

So the list was a swing & a miss! Have you read any great books this year?

The best way to spread Christmas cheer...

2011-12-14T21:20:00.003-07:00

Merry 12 Days of Christmas blogging! This is my third year running on blogging about Christmas for all 12 Days. It may be a little more tricky this year, newborn and all, but yes, it shall be conquered!

Buddy the Elf is my favorite elf. He says that "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." In attempts to get our four month old son in the holiday spirit I've been busting out some awesome Christmas songs. I'm surprised at how large my holiday repertoire is! I even have a few Hanukkah songs up my sleeve! But as I wound down thinking the insanity was almost over, I was suddenly transported back to third grade and remembered some Christmas songs that frankly I can't believe I ever forgot.

That's right. I could suddenly remember the words to "Santa's using Zebras now." A classic little diddy about how"Donner, Blitzen all the reindeer put him on the spot! They were use to ice and cold but Africa was hot!" So, of course Santa uses zebras. It's a very spicy number.

But my favorite that has returned from the recesses of my memory is "Santa Your Too Fat." It goes a little something like this,

"I heard a reindeer hoof,
then Santa dressed in red,
Came crashing through the roof,
And landed on my bed.
I thought it was a dream,
but quickly did I wake,
as soon as I heard Santa scream,
"I want a piece of cake!"

OOOOOOOoooooh! Santa Claus, Santa Claus, you are much to fat!
I was sleeping peacefully but now my bed is flat!
OOOOOOOOoooooh! Santa Claus, Santa Claus how much do you weigh?
I'm glad I'm not a reindeer that has to pull your sleigh."

Unfortunately I don't remember the second verse because I always chose to take the descant "Ho! Ho! Ho!" However, I know that the last line we used to all yell really loud, "SANTA YOUR TOO FAT!"

Not the nicest Christmas song ever, but you know the boy is going to love it in a few years. Chunky Santa forever! Viva los chunk!

Pop Up Video!

2011-11-10T18:49:00.002-07:00

Oh yeah boy! It's back!! Pop Up Video. And I will tell you straight up that I am addicted. I mean who doesn't want to learn needless information while watching music videos? Because you never know when you might get to audition to be a Music Video Jeopardy Contestant.

I'll take celebrity arguments for $4000, Alex.

Gwen Stefani wrote Hollaback Girl in response to what celebrities snide public remarks?

Ding, ding, ding! Who is Courtney Love?

Oh yeah!! I just banked $4000. That is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Also how great would it be if you could turn the Pop Up Video bubbles on in real life? Boring church meetings, waits at the doctor's office. Pop! "This gentleman once trained as a cage fighter." or "This office receives 25 magazines a month. Only 12 make it to the waiting room, the remaining go home with Nurse Smith." or "Newlywed! Married last weekend!" Intriguing right? It could be fun! I would just want the option to turn it off, perma-Pop could become overwhelming almost like have 4 harajuku girls that follow you around all the time. That could make you B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Toys vs. Treasures

2011-09-26T21:11:00.002-07:00

We have a box that comes out every time we have kids in the house and written on the side of the box in large letters is the word "TOYS." This weekend we had the most excellent privilege of having my sister, nephew and niece visit. As my niece dug through the box she busily renamed all the stuffed animals, one penguin will forever be Sunset now, and quickly she separated the toys into what interested her and what didn't. And then she found it and you could almost see the world go into slow motion for a minute.

In the toy box is a Cinderella music box. When you open it you can fold out two mirrors and put Cinderella and her prince on the dance floor, wind the music and then as it plays "So This Is Love" they dance. I helped her set it up and for 20 seconds she was completely mesmerized. Then she looked at me and said, "That's it?" Ha ha, yes that's it.

My sister got laughing and explained that yes, this is how it works something is special but only for about 20 seconds. And so my 5 year old niece carried it back to the box, set it to the side and continued to play with other toys. However as bedtime approached I was presented with the music box.

"Aunt Ellen?"
"Yes?"
"Aunt Ellen, this is not a toy. This is a treasure. Sometimes when people treasure things they give them to younger people that they love. If you feel that you might love me and be ready to give this to me, I could be happy."
"Well okay. Let me think about it."
"Okay, for now I'll just take it to my room so I can have it near."

She then delicately carried it down the hall to her room. We just melted into giggles. How smart is she? An brilliant noggin I tell you. I mean really how do you say no to that? And so my sister advised that if I was asked again and wasn't ready to part with my "treasure" all I had to do was say something very Disney like, "On your 16th birthday at the stroke of midnight if I don't have any daughters, it is all yours."

Ah yes, now I see where the brilliant noggin comes from.

Man Swing

2011-09-09T14:13:00.002-07:00

Did you know we've become parents? For part of our journey we spent several weeks in the hospital. One particularly sleepy night Josh was sitting in the wooden rocker and he got expounding on the great wonder that is the process of rocking. Let me remind you, it came out pretty fast and flowing, he was tired and the thoughts were just bubbling out.

"I love to rock. It is so soothing. You know what is the only bad thing about this rocker? It is man propelled. I have to push. Sometimes you can push really hard and get several rocks out of one push, but then, it stops! I always seems to need three more rocks before I'm asleep and so the process starts all over, I wake up, push almost fall asleep then the momentum stops." Here he sighed...

"But man do I love to rock. You know what would be a great invention? If they could figure out how to make man sized swings like they have for babies. I would totally buy one and just swing and swing and swing. Do you know how relaxing that would be? Very. It clearly calms down a crying baby. Imagine what it would do to a grown man. Talk about stress relief. That right there is a million dollar idea, man swing."

Then there were a few minutes of silent rocking and then just for good effect he said one more time...

"Man I love to rock."

Millions of Peaches, Peaches for me!

2011-07-22T07:24:00.001-07:00

Some bionic change has occurred in me in which I crave nutrients! I seem to desire to eat nothing but fruit and vegetables. My body may possibly be gearing up for the great fruit and vegetables war of 2011 in which mankind devours as many fruits and vegetables as possible in one day. Poor defenseless vegetables. Unguarded low hanging fruit, you are so easily picked off! How will you fight back? You can't! All you can do is make us healthy and for that we love you!

In this pursuit for total food group annihilation Josh and I made a groceries run last night. I needed broccoli salad (that is all I wanted for dinner). As we shopped the sweet fragrance of peaches called to me! Being ever the diplomat I made Josh buy his own morsels, it is every man for himself in this devouring. No sharing. And so in a fair turn of diplomacy, he taunted me on the drive home by deliciously eating said fragrant fruit. It smelled outrageously good and as he reenacted the "Mmmm...oooh, this is delicious" seen from What About Bob I couldn't help but laugh. Eventually he offered me a bite. Glorious!

As he quickly finished the first peach he dug around in the bag for the next. Suddenly he stopped and said, "Uhhh, my stomach hurts!"

I joking replied, "Probably because you ate the produce sticker and it is dicing up your intestines."

All color then dropped from Josh's face and he said, "There was a sticker?"

Guess the fruit can fight back.

Rock Anthem for the Green Lantern

2011-06-23T17:34:00.002-07:00

*******Sing this to yourself like the lead singer from Poison/Def Leopard or White Snake! Your choice. Just put on the big hair and awesome rockerness!********

Woah, oh! Green Lanterns, what can you be?
Tell us now, what is your mystery?
You fight for good, your multi-galaxy
You’re stronger than the Ming Dynasty!

CHORUS
You are…….Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Woah oh! Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Bending will with your brains!
Creating swords, guns and chains!
Even some aeroplanes!
Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!

And did you know that they can fly?
Backflips, spins, dramatic dives
Acrobats of the sky!
Space gymnasts fly by the moon!
Bela Karolyi begins to swoon.

CHORUS
You are…….Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Woah oh! Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Bending will with your brains!
Creating swords, guns and chains!
Even some aeroplanes!
Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!

Even Lanterns walk on lover’s lane.
Carol Ferris is his Mary Jane.
From heartfelt moment moments they do not flee
True love helps them to find their destiny!

CHORUS – with professional clapping
You are…….Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Woah oh! Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!!
Bending will with your brains!
Creating swords, guns and chains!
Even some aeroplanes!
Mind Ninjas from Outer Space!
Mind Ninjas from OUTER SPACE!!!!

Surprise!

2011-06-06T21:33:00.002-07:00

This story has very little to do with me or Josh. But it makes me laugh every time I think about it. My brother the eldest came home from college one summer with a sweet lady (his future wife) on his mind. He pined.

One of his “hope she doesn’t forget me” projects was a tape of all his favorite songs. Love songs. He worked and worked on that tape. Is this song okay, is it too weird that song ends with the guy yelling? We consulted and eventually he had created a perfect mix. Absolutely lovely, no girl could resist. So he packaged it all up with a nice note and mailed it off to her.

However, the perfect mix is not the tape future sister in law received. Nope. She received 90 minutes of the two younger brothers making up songs and practicing their fart noises. Not exactly the effect Brother the Older was going for. He was not a happy camper when she called to report and rightfully so. But that is just too funny to be empathetic. Go with me to the package delivery…..

You get a package from the boy you dated that semester at school. Inside is a mix tape in it which all girls know is the ultimate symbol of love. Thank you 80s movies! You head to your boom box put the tape in, push play and open the letter. As you start to read your love letter, taking in how nice his handwriting is and the sweet introduction you are rudely interrupted by the Beef Log* song and two little boys laughing. It is this moment, that no matter what is going on in my life, if I picture this moment...I laugh. Sorry sister, it is just funny.

Bless her for being patient enough to seek clarification. What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on that tape. Solid family history there.

** Beef Log Lyrics ** from Space Ghost Coast to Coast
Beef Log, Beef Log what a treat!
A hefty hunk of processed meat!
Dipped in Mustard oh what joy, I’m a jolly beef log boy!

Brak, I beg to disagree, cheese log in the log for me.
As a meal or as a snack, it’s my favorite source of saturated fat!
Cheese log, cheese log, cylindrical and yellow
Pass the cheese log and I’m a happy fellow!

It's a Birthday Bear!

2011-06-02T20:08:00.006-07:00

I am one of the weirdos who begs to go to girls camp every year. I LOVE it. I can't help myself. Singing the same 12 songs over and over, games, crafts, chores & bears oh my! Yes, bears!! Okay get your snuggy on because this is one mega campfire story!

I'm biased but I'm just going to say that we have the best bishop ever. He brought up ice cream and cake for our young women as a special treat on Sunday. So after treat time and dinner, some of our girls had gone back up to the addie to socialize. (Addies are some mutant cabin/tent combo. The bottom half is cabin, the top half is tent-ish. The centaurs of camping really.) And so there they lounge in the addies and suddenly there he is. Feet up on the door, checking out what food the girls might have. My understanding is quite a bit of screaming occurred.

A rescue mission ensued and all girls were quickly accounted for. And what did Jimmy Aslan (his pet name) want? Food! Free delicious food! He stole the closed Igloo. He hauled it up the mountain and our Priesthood leaders, now bear trackers & defenders, said he only stopped to eat the Rocky Road ice cream. Everything else he left behind. A bear after my heart. Rocky Road is delicious!!

And so for safety sake all those sleeping in the centaur addies were relocated to full cabins. Phew! We had survived a bear encounter!

But wait, that would be to easy! You see, Jimmy Aslan is a persistent bear. Who really likes camp food! And so he was back for a little breakfast, and then a little lunch. He knew it was my birthday, he wanted in on the party.

The final kicker was when my dear friend went to run and grab her camera from the safety of a cabin and as she rounded the corner there he was! Jimmy Aslan strikes a fourth time! So she had a little heart to heart with him.

"Jimmy Aslan, I don't think you are supposed to be here. I think you are supposed to be far away." How cool is she? I probably would have said something like "Holy crow, bear. Please don't eat me." Then I would have gone into a whole series of nonsense phrases (Number 5 is alive. I see only 4 lights! Tell them Large Marge sent you.) and probably ended with a primary song. She is way cooler in the face of a bear than me. Everybody high five Sister Vest, the bear whisperer.

So yeah, at this point we had a bear "problem." Jimmy Aslan had claimed our territory. It was time for us to shove along home. And so we evacuated the dance floor! You win this round, J. Aslan, but we will be back....probably without Rocky Road ice cream.

There is a technical support call….

2011-05-18T18:10:00.001-07:00

I’m a mammal who likes my creature comforts. I have my “spot” on the couch. I have my floaty I like to lounge on in the pool. And I LOVE my air conditioner. So when it had some dicey behavior last week, I mourned. And so we called for an HVAC hero because after trying to fix it on our own twice, I was ready for AC Slater to be in full fighting form again.

They don’t mess around with heat in AZ, so HVAC superman actually came and saw us on the weekend. The heat had owned me at that point so I was soaking in the box fan breeze and lightly napping off a wicked headache. I’m going to let you experience this like I did, I kept waking up and catching parts of what was going on.

First, I heard the guy climb on the roof and whack a few metal things. Then Josh came in the room and shut the window, turned off the fan and teased me about cooling the whole neighborhood. I think I grumbled “AC?” and Josh said, “Yes ma’am, all systems are activated.” Nice Star Trek reference.

The next thing I heard was the gentlemen ask Josh what he did for a living. Josh told him about his computer wizardry and the HVAC guy who had just saved me from certain death told Josh he had a “notebook that wasn’t working too good.” My next memory is Josh and his new best friend joking and laughing and Josh getting the guy a drink.

Maybe an hour later Josh came in to check on me, I asked about his new best friend our HVAC hero. Come to find out, while our AC Slater was being revived, Josh was reviving HVAC’s notebook. I said, “It seems like he was here a long time.” To which Josh said, “Well yeah, it takes a long time to download Microsoft updates, it’s all good though we had a nice talk.” I’m pretty sure the guy fixed our AC in 30 minutes but Josh worked on his computer for at least 90 minutes and Josh loved every minute of it so you can't fault him for his random act of service! Maybe HVAC hero will throw in a free filter next time!

Bust a Myth: Faith cures Infertility

2011-04-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

It is National Infertility Awareness Week and Resolve.org has challenge folks to blog about an Infertility myth. I’ve danced around with a few ideas, (Ovulation Vacation, anyone?), but kept coming back to the common misconception that faith cures infertility.

I would say that 85% of people who learn that we have tried for 8 years to have children without success usual take it upon themselves to try and share a tidbit of wisdom about conception. I know it is from the goodness of their hearts and so I’ve learned to smile and nod and go to my happy place. Everyone is trying to relate and be helpful. It is always with the greatest of intentions.

Some go as far to advises, “You must have faith. God can cure anything. Live worthily and pray he will answer.” And He does. We can find accounts in the scriptures of this. We hear testimonies shared at church, stories of families who have miracle pregnancies. But is conception the only way to cure infertility?

I would say no. Living worthily, asking and having faith has not allowed me to conceive but the Lord has provided me with many blessing. I do have faith that our Heavenly Father can heal the body. I am simply saying that I do not believe that is always His answer. Instead I have been blessed by having my spirit healed. I have been given reprieve from sorrow. I have been given strength. I have been guided to know that motherhood is still one of my roles. I have been given patience. I have not been forgotten, Heavenly Father knows me and has a plan just for me. And check me out folks, it’s a special plan.

Want to learn more about infertility? Check out this link: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/ Want to bust a myth? http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

Peeps Show Entries!

2011-04-16T10:17:00.010-07:00

Entry one: Peep Kabob Entry two: Graham Cracker Campground

The submitter of the following four images wrote: "It all started out so well -- a lovely day at the lake. But somehow, that night, around the campfire at Graham Cracker Campground, it all went terribly wrong. The bunnies toasted marshmallows, the chicks roasted eggs, even the chocolate bunny skewered a chip to see how long it would take to melt!"

"Horrified I woke with a start. Thank goodness it was only a nightmare. Of course it could never really happen. Where would Easter critters ever get such an idea?"

Entry Three: Tweety Peep

Entry Four: Give Peeps a chance!

Yes, I took two late submissions as you can note by the date on the photos. Judge me all you wish, this earns me major brownie points in the Auntie world. Also who doesn't want to see light saber wielding peeps and a peep wedding?

Entry Five: Star Wars

Entry Six: Peep Wedding

Vote for your favorite using the gadget on the top left of the blog. Can't chose just one? Vote for many! Voting closes Wednesday at midnight so I have time to deliver the goods to the winner! Let the voting begin!

Sub-Conscious Melodies

2011-04-14T18:11:00.001-07:00

I estimate that once a week I wake up with the lyrics of a song or a melody on broadcast in my thoughts. I’ll sit up in bed humming, sing it to myself in the shower and finally have to say to Josh, “Yellow Submarine.” Then finally I can let the song go. One of my small delights in life is that Josh has this mental hiccup too . His internal DJ broadcasts on a totally different radio station then mine but it is one of the quirks we equally share.

Last Friday I woke to what I thought was a sappy 70s love ballad. At first I couldn’t remember the lyrics, but I totally had the melody on lock. It just kept repeating again and again. On the drive into work my brain assembled the following lyrics, “Why does my heart bleed now in the moOoooOOrning?!? And it trickles through the night!” After ten minutes of googling why does my heart bleed and getting medical journals, I gave up and called Josh. Did you know he is practically the Rain Man when it comes to musical lyrics?

“Josh, I know the lyrics are totally wrong but my song this morning is something I can’t remember and it’s making me crazy. Can you help me?”

“Umm yeah I’ll try.”

“Why does my heart bleed now in the moOoooOOrning?!? And it trickles through the night!”

There is a moment of totally silence and then he starts laughing and laughing. “Are you sure you want to know?”

Here I got a bit nervous, “Yes, it’s making me crazy.”

Then he actually played the song back to me over the phone, that’s right he had it handy.

“Yep! That’s it! Thanks Josh! Wait a minute…..is that CELINE DION?!?!” Now Josh is laughing even more. To my horror my sub-conscious has plucked a song from my musical nemesis. Celine Dion “Why Does My Heart Beat Now.”

Give me credit though folks, I didn’t know the words in the least bit.

Duh nuh nuh nuh!

2011-04-07T18:00:00.001-07:00

Countdowns to challenges always make the think of the Rocky theme song. Super empowering song, sort of makes you feel like you could wrestle a mountain lion and win. You know the training song, with the punching and the running and the epic stair run. That's some quality inspirational filming. Please hum that to yourself while you read the remainder of this post. Duh nuh nuh nuh.... Ladies and Gentlemen, only six and a half days remain until Peeps entries are due! People are bringing the awesome this year. Serious contenders. They fought the battle with creativity and they came out on top! Bring the noise! Remember to get your entries to me by High Noon on the 13th. And thanks for playing, bless all you creative brains who want to play! You make me one happy camper.

Peep-a-Boo!

2011-03-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

Peeps are on the shelves, partners! And you know what that means? We’re gonna have ourselves a good old fashioned Peep Off!! Third year running! What’s that? You never did hear of a Peep Off? Well it only the single most intense and heated Easter Candy challenge on this here blog! You do your best to outwit the competition by submitting the best peeping art exhibit possible. The only rule is you must use Peeps as your main art medium.

Send your photos or video to my Peep Off email: peepsshow@gmail.com by High Noon April 13th. Voting will begin April 15th and end April 19th. The last man standing wins Peeps paraphernalia and glory! Now get yourself out there buckaroo and peep up the good work!

Bob Barker's Biggest Nightmare

2011-03-27T16:43:00.001-07:00

So each week at church the women get some time to share a "good news moment" with each other. This week was particularly awesome. One darling sister raised her hand and said, "We are having another set of kittens at our house this week. We are in DESPERATE need of families needing kittens. If you know of anyone who would like a kitten we would love to give them one." People kind of laughed and another sister said, "So everyone take a kitten!" And the the kitten owner said, "No really we have like 30 kittens." To which every one sort of laughed and gasped.

Here is where to me it got awesome. "We don't mean to keep having so many kittens, but the cats bother my mom and so she keeps putting the cats out on the street. And then uh-oh! We have more kittens." So Mom's the one turning them out!

And people were so cute coming to her aid offering up things they knew about how to help her find those who were seeking animals. All I could imagine was the red light cat district. Clearly I was not on my game today. But I wasn't the only one.....

After a few suggestions the woman conducting the meeting in the most loving voice and demeanor said, "Okay, well, I'm not sure that was a "Good News Moment" but thank you for sharing. Does anyone else have something to share?" My ability to silent Muppet laugh came in might handy today! I love these women!!

But seriously, if you want a kitten, they have like 30.

Aliens love Barry White

2011-03-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

I sat straight up in bed last night at 4:00 AM with the full knowledge that I may have just dreamt the next Tony winning musical. How does one go about writing and producing a musical? The dream was so vivid I actually ran to the computer in the other room. Some people may have started frantically typing down the script but not me. No I frantically googled it to make sure the musical didn’t exist and that I wasn’t just dreaming something I had overheard. However, in a very reassuring moment I am completely original! Confirmed by Google! (How great would that be on a tshirt? “Confirmed by Google.” Bwah ha ha ha)

Okay if you will all virtually pinky swear not to steal my idea this is part of what went down. I woke up singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot with the image of aliens who are obsessed with the music that they can pick up from our world via radio waves. All kinds of music: gospel, pop, rap, rock, ska. They can’t get enough of it. So the show is kind of a fun musical review of music history across all genres. Also we get some good laughs with songs taken completely out of context. Their favorite artist? Barry White. Who doesn’t love Barry White?!?

I know exactly how the aliens are supposed to look, what the stage is supposed to look like, and I know some of the songs that are supposed to be included. Not to mention this is a show that could continuously be updated. After a few years, just do a “revival” and update the songs. You know Rhianna is going to have some new rubbish that you could add to the show.

And that is what would make this show awesome. Music is all about how much some songs speak to us and also how much we hate other songs. The aliens unabashed love of all of it, Who Let the Dogs Out included, could lead to a great message of acceptance. Or start riots in the audience when they bust out a little Chumbawumba.

Dream Job 1: Professional Clapper

2011-03-05T10:08:00.001-07:00

I have a short list of random dream jobs. Some I know exist and some I'd just like to believe exist. At the top of this list, right under the Mama job, is Professional Clapper. What you might ask is a professional clapper? On a road trip maybe ten years ago my brother the older and I were entertaining ourselves by sharpening up our clapping skills while clapping along to some sweet tunes. Then the though occurred, in some recording studio somewhere a human (or machine, but in my dream a human) was paid to perform studio quality claps! I could own that job!! These hands were made for clapping, and that's just what they'll do! One of these days these hands are going to clap on your album for you!

Wait, now before you roll your eyes, think about the total sweetness of a job like this. You get to meet rock stars. It would probably go like this, "Hi Mr. Grohl, what's that? Why yes, I have been practicing staccato claps. Thank you for noticing! I'd love to be the hand percussion on your next album, have your people call my people. Ciao." You'd have full access to music prior to release date. In a tight pinch you could become "The Clapper" hands. And you'd always have work as long as country stars write drinking anthems, which is pretty much always.

Music execs consider this my professional offer to put these hands to work. Have your people call my people.

Josh and Ellen Adopt

2011-02-07T19:34:00.004-07:00

Once upon a time there was a Josh and an Ellen. They fell in love and became Mr & Mrs Haws. They had a long disagreement with infertility and then realized they didn't have to reproduce to have a family. Families come in all shapes and forms. After much prayer, thought and discussion they have begun their adoption adventure.

Want to follow that adventure? Please join us at www.joshandellenadopt.blogspot.com.

Randomness will continue here.

Food for thought

2011-01-31T20:34:00.005-07:00

I volunteered this weekend at London's Run. This is a 1/2 mile, 10 k, 2 mile fun run event held every year in Queen Creek in remembrance of a young lady named London to benefit children with cancer. It is a really phenomenal event put on by a fantastic family.

The last three years I have worked in the Runner's Food tent. We sit at the end of the race with bananas, apples, oranges, bagels and power aid for the runners to refuel. It's a cool experience to be one of the first people to interact with a runner following a race. They are grateful, kind and energized by having accomplished their goal. It is hard to explain the spirit and energy they bring to the tent. It is warm and strong.

It was energizing to be with such a large group of people all participating in what we all knew was a good cause. The positive energy was tangible.

Kindling to read by....

2011-01-05T14:37:00.003-07:00

I’m raising the flag. You there, do you feel the need for a riot? Maybe a revolution? Too much? Okay how about a peaceful sit in where we quietly read. But we read real books the ones with pages and binding!! Random cause you say? Let me build my case here, let’s start at the very beginning, I hear it’s a very good place to start.

Maybe six months ago, GPJ (my fellow reader) sends me an article that B&N (Barnes & Noble) is investing almost all their money into their own reading machine because they want a piece of the kindle pie and I’m paraphrasing but something like, “they don’t see future money in selling books.” SAY WHAT? Who to the Nazis? I’m sorry B&N you think books are suddenly going to vanish? Oh, no you didn’t. Needless to say we got heated and did was any 20 somethings do, we started a facebook page, that we joined and updated twice and then nothing happened.

“Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.” Harper Lee

And then for the next three months I went into crazy hyper drive and I got all Fahrenheit 451 and started hoarding books. In my mind we are 20 years from burning books and I need to start memorizing whole sections of the bible. Also I start secretly cursing everyone with Kindles. Josh becomes project number one. If I can convince my techie hubby to delete the Kindle app, I’m on a roll! So first I offer to buy every book he is reading on it. Which I did and subsequently I think he stopped reading on it, but probably really only in my presence. See, I caught him at a B&N fondling their reading machine and I actually hissed like an angry feline. Yes, this is the moment I had a bit of an intervention with myself, self you need to simmer! I could love books and keep a growing library, if the rest of the world wanted to become illiterate and rely on technology for their wisdom it was their grave. Yes I’m that self righteous sometimes. So I shelved it through the holidays, I had Christmas blogging to do.

But I can be passive aggressive no longer! Have you seen this stupid commercial?? Watch….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gROe-7EQncU

The obvious statement here is if she’d just bought the blasted BOOK none of that would matter!! Spooky voice: Pay no attention to the printed book behind the curtain. Charles W Eliot says, “Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.”

Yes, I understand it’s still a book if it’s on a Kindle. Contextually it is. But part of what’s great about reading a book is the smell of the pages, the weight of it in your hands and flipping actual pages. The object of binding and paper becomes as integral to the story as the plot. You begin fretting as you see the weight of those pages move from one side to the other as you near the end of a great story, knowing you’ll miss the new friends you’ve made, wondering if in thirty pages it will all work out. You can’t get that on a computer, even if they simulate page flipping.

“A book reads the better which is our own, and has been so long known to us, that we know the topography of its blots and dog’s ears and can trace the dirt in it to having read it at tea with buttered muffins.” Charles Lamb

It’s a new year. I’m rededicating myself to my two fan facebook page and to reminding people what a joy reading an actual physical book is. Yes my purse may be heavier because I’m hauling around an actual copy of Atlas Shrugged and I may get an occasional paper cut, but I will continue to do it. Simply so I can learn the topography of my book and trace the dirt in its pages as I follow the authors adventure.

Christmas!

2010-12-25T19:44:00.004-07:00

I missed blogging yesterday and so I didn't make it this year! Boo hiss! Okay well, I'm going to share this last little fun story for my twelve days of Christmas blogfest.

I was able to talk with Santa this year and have him call my nieces and nephews. You see I'm a reference on their Naughty or Nice sheets. Santa and I conversed and I let him know that all of the kids had been very nice and deserved personal calls from Santa. And that's just what he did over the last few days!

I got to speak with the kids right afterwards. It was fun listening to the nieces & nephews tell me what Santa had promised them as gifts and how lucky they were to get to talk to him. One nephew explained he'd had an especially lucky year, he'd gotten to speak with Santa & Goofy! Each child advised they were going to go to bed early and were not going to peak as Santa had asked them not too!

Want me to add me as a reference? Maybe I can have Santa call you next year!

Snot Nosed the other Reindeer

2010-12-23T19:01:00.003-07:00

Snot Nosed the other Reindeer,
Had a very runny nose
And if you ever met him
You'd notice how he blows and blows!
All of the other Reindeer,
Used to laugh and keep their distance,
They never let old Snot Nosed
Carry a box of tissues in peace!
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say, "Snot Nose with your nose so red from tissues,
Wouldn't you like some antihistamines tonight?"
Oh how the Snot Nosed loved him, as he shouted out with glee!
"Santa, you dear old pharmacologist, now I can breath so freely!"

Wintery Movies

2010-12-23T00:17:00.003-07:00

I have a few flicks that I like to try and catch every winter, particularly around when Santa comes! In no particular order here are my favs.

1. The Elf - solid Christmas flick with loads of quotable lines! Will Ferrell at his best.
2. Little Women - some will argue this isn't a "holiday flick" buy with all the winter scenes and the romance, I'm a sucker. Let the tears flow.
3. Love Actually - you have to catch the edited tv version or else you get to see some british nudity, amazing flick otherwise! The father son moments are arguably some of the best in film. Also an amazing soundtrack!
4. A Christmas Story - who doesn't right?
5. Home Alone - the scream the guy makes when the tarantula is in his face us awesome! Also very quotable.

Bad Christmas movies for me include

1. Any subsequent Home Alone
2. The Tim Allen becomes Santa movies
3. Jack Frost
4. Any time they take a cheesy Christmas song & make it a movie, like "christmas shoes"

Anna Mae Claus

2010-12-21T22:08:00.002-07:00

With a “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!,”
Anna Mae giggles as the sleigh climbs out of sight.
For you see, tonight is special for Santa’s main squeeze
It’s her one night she behaves however she pleases!

Hours of silence and time to herself,
She banishes every last helpful elf
She cranks up Bob Marley and Stevie Wonder
Then the jewelry cabinet she does plunder.
She piles it on til she’s shiny and bright,
Diamonds galore like a starry starry night!

Once bedazzled and shiny she brings on the polish
Toes and fingers bright pink, all red is abolished!
With a Diet Coke in hand Anna Mae reads her trashy novel,
Imagining Edward love her and watching him grovel.

She answers a few emails with charm and vigor,
“Don’t wait for mistletoe. Make your own magic occur.”
Then climbing to the roof she watches the sunrise,
Eyeing the skies for her man that flies.

2010-12-20T22:52:00.003-07:00

We have a full house! And in a full house a computer becomes a hot commodity. So tonight I blog from my iPod! My goodness are these keys tiny! I just have a quick little holiday ditty to share. I am wondering, why is Mrs. Claus so silent? Sister needs to represent! That is my angle if I ever write a children's Christmas book. A Mrs. Claus story... Maybe that will be tomorrows blog, if I score some computer time! I'm grateful to have everyone here, I'll give up all my computer time for them!

NOG!

2010-12-19T20:49:00.003-07:00

It has been suggested that I discuss Egg Nog and it's different flavors. Here you get to witness one of Ellen's many neurosis on parade. Drinking eggs is so so wrong to me. Yes, I've looked up the recipe and there are some versions of the nog that they cook the eggs. Oh, I'm sure it's very safe and I won't die a slow and torturous death of salmonella. But when faced with nog, my imagination just gets away with me and I am either drinking milk with scrambled egg chunks or I'm contracting noggallolian virus from contaminated eggs which will make my hair and finger nails fall out. I will be hideous! Don't look at me! (Okay I made that second disease up but it sounds bad and you fear it, I know.) Strangely enough, you may drink as much nog in my presence as you'd like. I'm cool with that. It's your funeral, I mean, it's your preference.

However, I am a fan of flavored and souped up drinks. Diet Coke with Lime is off the hook!! Wild Cherry Pepsi is divine. And a soda fountain Vanilla Coke like french kissing an angel. So it's not a flavoring issue.

I did try a sip of homemade nog this year and it was the best I'd had so far. It was really frothy which was just down right fishy to me. Now I'm drinking meringue?

Can you see? I just can't get over it, I'm in my head too much. Eggs we eat, not drink.

Fish are friends, not food.

Graduated!

2010-12-18T21:35:00.002-07:00

I have graduated from college! Go me! I finally have my bachelors degree, which according to the president of my college makes me part of a gang of only 2% of educated smarties in AZ. In our gang in order to be jumped in, you have to allow yourself to be beat up by snooty educators for 4 years. If you survive, you get a certificate and a handshake. Welcome to the gang!

I sat by my friend Kurt at the graduation. NAU has it all figured out to make the program go as fast as possible. Two people announcing the names so you move double speed. When it was our turn, I went to the left and shook hands, Kurt went to the right. When we got back to our seats we compared stories. The right was more interesting. I had a very manly man announce my name, a little like being announced for the world series, then three random men shook my hand, two photos and I wandered back to my seat. Kurt basically had the same except he got to shake hands with the self imposed queen of education. She offered her hand like the queen does, palm down and fingers first. He said it took a lot of self restraint not to kiss her hand and bow a little. And that is how you know you've won the education battle!

Overall, it was a solid event. It snowed a little and I'm done! Go me!

She Santa

2010-12-16T21:53:00.003-07:00

About 5 years ago, my mother took a turn dressing up as Santa Claus for a Relief Society activity. It had been a lot of fun entertaining and bringing holiday cheer to the crowd. On one pass from the gym to the kitchen, Mom came face to face with a 7 year old girl. Here is the predicament, "Do you try and fake a man voice?" or be mute Santa? Let's just say it was a brief encounter with the help of a elf shuttling the 7 year old along her way. Mom says she did a lot of nodding and oohs and ahhs. Mom worries she caused severe counseling needs. Some little girl wrote her Christmas essays on "Christmas Conspiracy: Santa is a woman?"

Watch out, they spit.

2010-12-15T22:05:00.007-07:00

Tonight you see art entries by Mr. & Mrs. Santa Haws. I know our art work is astonishing, but you should consider we are in late 20s, early 30s. We have mastered Crayola. I have created "Santa's Bora Bora Beach House." The man deserves a quality vacation! Also if I won a bajillion dollars today, I'd go straight to Bora Bora!
Mr. Haws has completed an art work entitled, "He Has Come." Way to get all religious on me Josh and make me look bad. Gosh! Actually, this is why I love you. Thanks for the good reminder about what this is all about. Also, very Picasso-esque stars and awesome camels!

Newer traditions

2010-12-14T21:20:00.004-07:00

I realized this year as I was making my list and checking it twice that Josh and I have developed some of our own holiday traditions. When did that happen? Somewhere in the eight years of marriage, poof! I thought I’d make myself a little catalog of how they developed so that when the kids ask me, “Why do we eat these weird sandwiches and Auntie doesn’t?” I’ll have an answer.

I’m a terrible bread maker. The science behind the magical potion called yeast seems to fail me. Even when using one of those “No Fail, even your dog could make these rolls” recipes I can’t figure out. I can get the dough to rise the first time and then doom. Predictible fail. However, the stars seem to always align when I make Hawaiian bread. And so it became our tradition that I would make Hawaiian bread on Christmas. It may have started as a necessity tradition but we’ve grown to love it. Hawaiian bread has the best aroma ever, and the taste has just a hint of pineapple. Mmmm good!

Another tradition is that we have ham for Christmas dinner, which is pretty standard; however I found this crazy ham sandwich leftover recipe last year. Mostly I hunted it down out of frustration. We had lots of ham left over and I was bored with it. Three additional uses is usually my leftover limits, and last year I still had a huge ham stack! So I turned to my favorite recipe website allrecipes.com and found this gem. It is good, people. Grilled Ham & Pineapple Sandwiches. They are dope! Sour dough bread, smear on some cream cheese, cooked ham, pineapple slice, smoosh it all in your sandwich and throw it in a fry pan until everything is nice and warm. Yes, you can’t eat it every day or your heart would stop, but it is pretty amazing stuff. I imagine it would be righteous on a Panini press. Hint, hint Santa.

Right now you are thinking, “Are all of their traditions about food??” No! Okay yeah, most of them. We like food. Non food traditions include a Homer Simpson Santa that has to be on display somewhere in the house. He seems to not get packed up every year. So Homer Santa is always watching, all year long. A set of reindeer dessert dishes that comes out every year, each has its own reindeer in full character. My favorite is Vixen. The additional of a new “couple” to the Christmas ornament collection. Last year it was a really beautiful set of Santa Mickey & Minnie. I think it will be really fun when we have 50+ couple ornaments for every Christmas we’ve spent together. Won’t that be a beautiful tree?

And so begins the 12 days of Christmas blogging. Have a topic you want to hear me ramble on about? Leave a comment because as wise Homer Santa says, "Seasons Greet-er-ings!"

Funky Produce

2010-12-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

We were snuggled up reading books last week and Josh suddenly says, "When I was little I used to think people were saying "Old Tomato" when they were saying the word ultimatum. I'd think why would you be giving someone an old tomato? Why does that make them want to make the decision? I'd hear adults and think oh man it's getting bad he just gave him an old tomato! It made a lot more sense when I got older."

Then he went right back to reading as I erupted into giggles. I can imagine this little farm boy and how awful he would have thought it would be to have someone give you an old tomato. Really, what's worse than an old tomato in the produce world?

::::Side Note::::: Last year I did the 12 Days of Christmas Blogging, I would like to make it a tradition! If you have any suggestions of topics, throw them at me in the comments. Happy Christmas!

K...Ouch!

2010-11-21T21:54:00.002-07:00

As an early Christmas gift we have received a Ginzu set of knives that completely rule! You know you are special (cheap) when you get excited and cheery about knives that cut instead of saw. It has been awesome!

I keep showing Josh how great they are. The conversations usually goes something like this, "Josh! Look at how uniform my tomato slices are, check out our french bread, watch me dice these carrots with ease!"

"That's super wife. Just don't cut yourself. You aren't use to the cutting power of the Ginzu."

And he's right, so I've been squeezing it easy. But on Saturday we were in a rush, throwing together a side dish for a dinner party. I'm mixing ingredients together, Josh is cutting celery and all the sudden I hear, "OH MOTHER BEAR!" Yes...that is really what he said.

He sticks his finger in the sink and turns on the water for you see, the power of the Ginzu had won. Now I go into nurse mode, cold compress? pressure? band aids? I'm sure he's about to bleed out from a finger wound. Yeah, yeah I tend to over react, it's out of love. Don't judge me..... So I'm throwing out First Aid options and in a perfect Josh answer he looks at me and says, "Do you know how bad it is going to hurt to type the letter K this week? Every time it's going to be like click, ow!, click, ow!" His finger looks like a trauma scene and he's worried about typing the letter K. But I guess I can't blame him, it's a very important letter. I just used it 19 times to tell you this story!

Thank you

2010-11-10T18:21:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow is Veteran's day and as a little salute to the Veteran's in my life I wanted to share the stories I remember most as told by my grandfathers about their time served during World War 2. I am thankful for the service that is given by those who have served (thanks Dad!) and those who do serve.

One Grandfather served as a Sergeant in the Philippines. He was in charge of a work crew of Filipinos who went out and worked cutting down bamboo each day. One particular day they were scouting a new area and came upon a stream. As Grandpa went to step into the water to cross an older Filipino man jumped in front of him, pointed at grandpa's shoes and signaled for my grandfather to allow this man to carry him across the water. Shoes were such a rarity and prize, the man could not allow them to become wet.... Now this is the moment I vividly remember as a child. Grandpa could not tell this story all these years later without tears shining in his eyes. I do not think my Grandfather ever had a day where he was not thankful for shoes. After several attempts to reassure the man that my Grandfather wanted to cross on his own, he finally allowed the man to carry him across.

Here in the United States, my other Veteran Grandfather met his dear wife. He tells of being on the town one night with other soldiers. They had stopped in a little place for dinner and all the tables were full except for one which had a few remaining seats. And they were in luck because the other seats were occupied by lovely ladies! (Side note: sometimes I think it would be a better world if we still shared tables) Grandpa began working his magic with the ladies talking with them and learning more about them. One girl in particular caught his eye who eventually became my Grandmother. But the story of the night that they both loved to share is that he said to one woman at the table, "You look like you have a little Italian in you." All the women at the table laughed and laughed, thoroughly confusing Grandpa. Eventually she stood up showing her pregnancy and announcing, "In fact, I do!"

You are the best as always!

2010-10-19T21:43:00.005-07:00

I've always been interested in how phrases spread in society. Who first thought of "chillaxing" and why did it suddenly become an accepted term? Is chillaxing better than relaxing?

Two phrases have made a sudden emergence among my acquaintances. People are starting to say "Have a blessed day." and they are starting to say, "You are the best as always!!" Okay, maybe I watched too much PeeWee's Playhouse as a child but I feel like these are the secret words and I should yell every time I hear them! AAAAAH! then laugh and go about my day.

My friend and I were discussing the "blessed day" topic. Just once she said she'd like to answer with, "No." How awkwardly funny in the Michael Scott kinda way would that be... "Have a blessed day." "No." What would the blessing giver say? It does beg the question though if you think about it, is it your place to bless someone? How do you know they are religious and want to be blessed?

"You are the best as always!" has become the common email sign off when people are asking for things. "Can you shave my pet llama? You are the best as always!" Here is the sneaky part, it totally worked on me the first few times, I thought, I'm the best? Well heck yes I'll shave that llama! But now, I'm not so sure.... do I want to be the best carney at the carnival? Maybe this trick will work if we are ever invaded by aliens. "Hey space invader, can you not use poisonous gas on my neighborhood? You are the best as always!" It is the verbal equivalent of a Jedi mind trick.

Now chillax, leave a comment, You are the best as always! Have a blessed day!

Cars

2010-10-13T20:35:00.002-07:00

About 3 weeks ago I was rear ended on the freeway, yes I'm okay. No Josh's pickup was not, to the tune of about $8500. I have learned some things from this experience, first that it is way better to get rear ended by a pickup when in a pickup. I think it would have been much worse for me if I'd been in my car.

Also I am grateful for my good insurance company. Okay yes, they are my paycheck (I work there) but they rule. I was not at fault, but they are covering my damages while the other company tries to blame me for it. Our life moves forward. People, pay for good insurance. It is worth every penny.

I have also learned that when karma provides you a Dodge Challenger as your rental car for the price of a Dodge Neon, you say THANK YOU! Do you know how many people check me...or maybe it's just the car...out now? I'm a hot ticket! Hey baby, yes it's my....rental. Whatever, I'm so hot right now.

In the midst of all of this our other car has just about died. So we are car shopping and Josh is being super agreeable. I should be happy right? Instead I'm all nervous! I know what I want in a 4 door, hatchback, kid friendly (we are hoping to adopt and all) but seriously I get to pick as long as it meets the budget? I am too.....me for this responsibility. I can't pick out a dress for church without changing three times and you want me to pick the car? This is going to be an adventure for sure. I pity the poor eager car dealer who pounces on me this weekend, can you say sucker?

Pray for us & the sales man.

Adverbally Addicted

2010-09-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I'm addicted. Honestly, I didn't realized it I was doing it until recently. Truthfully, I was chatting with my friend GPJ and I realized that I was starting each sentence with an adverb. Interestingly, I don't do think I do it when I speak, I think it is only when I type. Surprisingly, now that I've brought attention to the condition, I find it really hard to stop.

Seriously, it is hard to stop.

Uncommonly, hard to stop.

Intentionally, I have to go back and correct my sentences to make them not start we an adverb. Obviously, I've become the adverb Yoda of the chatting world.

Awfully monstorous, no?

Lurve it!

2010-09-01T17:20:00.003-07:00

Current list of things I lurve:

This text message from my brother

"September 2, 2010 - also known as 9/2/2010 - on that day, I will be dressed up like Dylan and will be looking for Kelly and Brenda. Brenda for the first part of the day, Kelly for the rest. I will get very angry when Donna gets thrown down the stairs. Reconcile with my recently released from prison father, only to have him be car bombed by mafia hit men. Then, have my newly taken in family steal all my money. Which would take me into an unrivaled TV dark place. Leading to me falling in love with the daughter of my father's killer. Her father hated me, tried to kill me, but accidentally killed her instead. Looking forward to it. It's going to be busy. We should have a 90210 party on that day."

Miranda Sings videos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lMv9DsMuxM

I laugh until I cry. Josh describes it as seizures of laughter. It has been really great for homework breaks. Thank you my darling musical Mr. Xanadu for sharing this with me!

The Choir on BBC America

Josh stumbled across this show one day and I fell madly in love. A lovely show from England, the show follows choirmaster Gareth Malone as he works at an all boys school (and I think other schools in future episodes) creating the first choir the school has ever had. He goes from only having 30 boys signed up, to over 100 by the end of the year. He works with the boys individually and each week I come to adore some new boy. And...they are good little singers!! I was singing the song for days afterwards.

Now I was a choir geek so maybe that is part of why I like it so much, I miss choir. But I think more than anything, it reminds me that there is magic in this world. Magic in the simple joy of a child who find joy in singing, choirmasters who know that music can heal the soul and viewers like me who are cheering for their success. And though it wasn't perfect, it was a great success!

Lawry's Mediterranean Sundried Tomato & Garlic Chicken

It's one of those mix packets that you add to your food to make it tastier and boy did it. One more semester of school and I might start cooking again, but for now Lawry's Med Sundried Tomato & Garlic Chicken was delicious!

Head in the Clouds

2010-07-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

Very rarely do we have a day in Phoenix where they sky is not radiantly clear blue. So I tend to notice when lovely clouds fill my cities sky. Clouds are a lot prettier when you don’t see them that often. I’ve noticed that two thoughts habitually cross my mind now when I see clouds. Alfred Stieglitz and the Simpsons.

If the clouds are spotty and perfectly poofy, I always hear “The Simpsons….” to the opening credits music. I thank Josh for this who will say to me, “It’s a Simpson’s weather day.” Bless him.

Alfred Stieglitz is the second thought. Stieglitz is a photographer who lived from 1864 – 1946 and was married to the more commonly known Georgia O’Keefe. Stieglitz has a fun name to say and he is very famous in the art world. I can guarantee you’ve seen at least one of his photos. In his late 50s, Al decided to start taking photos of clouds as a means to really show off his ability to take great photos of anything, no real subject matter needed. He’s a bit cocky that Alfred. But to his credit, they are breathtaking. Here’s the grip and why he holds a little portion of my conscious, a large portion of these cloud photos Alfred named after an emotion. A flurry of clouds would be “Anguish.” Airy full clouds would be “Content.” I may have at one categorized clouds as angry, but content? The thought had never crossed my mind at 19 when I learned about this collection. And to this day when I see clouds I Stieglitz them, I can’t help but try to put an emotion to my clouds. I wonder what Stieglitz would name them and if I’d agree. Maybe today the clouds we’d agree are simply “pleasant.”

Change, change, change!

2010-06-26T16:23:00.002-07:00

Do you know the Aretha Franklin song "Chain of Fools"? Until I was 18 I thought she was saying "Change, change, change! Change a fool!" I still think of that song when big occurrences happen in my life......changes such as JOSH AND I BUYING A HOUSE!!!! Yes! It finally happened. We are in and we love it.

The place is 3 bedroom, 2 bath with the biggest kitchen I've ever had the pleasure of cooking in since leaving home. But our favorite part? A pool! I think Josh has gone for a swim every night. We are homeowners! Thanks to all the helpers who hauled, carried and held our hand while we pouted about the process. Come swim whenever you want! I need one more thing though, we've always had a name for our apartments. The last being "Casa de Royale." New house needs a name, any suggestions?

Eternal Bog of Stench!

2010-05-27T17:42:00.002-07:00

One of the basic theories in my life is that all life experiences can be allegorically referenced to The Neverending Story, Labyrinth or Princess Bride. Today I'd like to tell the tale of Sarah and Hoggle.

Hoggle is a rude, short man thing that is the Sacajawea to Sarah's Lewis & Clark. Sarah must recover her half-brother Toby from David Bowie. Bowie spends most of the movie taunting Sarah, throwing obstacles in her way, telling goblins the boy has the "power of voodoo, who do? you do! You remind me of the boy!" Bowie is evil and yet enchanting, he's still kind of cool and rock starish. But don't let him draw you in, Bowie stands in the way of Sarah's goal (The boy with the power of voodoo, who do? You do!) and therefore we loathe him.

At one point Hoggle does something he isn't supposed to and gets them banished to the ETERNAL BOG OF STENCH! Which kind of reminds you of Yellowstone. It looks awful, you can tell it smells awful and Hoggle reminds us all that if we touch it in anyway we will smell like it forever!!! DOOOOM! Think about that, what would be worst than eternal stenchiness?

In the current LIVE in Life version of Labyrinth the following characters are cast.

Hoggle - realtor
Bowie - bankers
Sarah - Josh and I
Eternal Bog of Stench - mortgage process
Toby - my sanity

In the true spirit of Sarah say it with me now, "You have no power over me!"

Side note - if they were going to ever remake this movie, Lady Gaga could be an awesome Jareth the Goblin Queen.

Kick off your Sunday Shoes!

2010-05-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjICRLJvESY

Half of this fancy foot work would be mine! I learned that I'm am unable to dance with my feet without including hands and frankly faces. I'm pretty fly for a white girl. Everybody cut, everybody cut, EVERYBODY CUT LOOSE!

The Oversmile

2010-05-06T15:30:00.004-07:00

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/04/27/the-oversmile-2/

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Now to look through old family photos and find proof of me doing this as I'm sure that I have. Enjoy!

Stop....Derby time!

2010-04-28T21:34:00.002-07:00

Hey, angry people of Arizona, let's put aside our political differences for one day and enjoy the bliss of Kentucky!! Kentucky knows how to party! The only papers required are tickets and bets, how's that for fun? And the only things breathing heavily from their angry noses are horses! Everyone else is just slap happy, mingling, loving each other. Not to mention they are all wearing awesomely ridiculous clothing that is completely appropriate for the venue. It's an aristocratic version of Woodstock! And this is why I love it! It's hoighty toighty and yet still lovable, kinda like Michael Caine.

The derby is one of the random things I insist on going all out on. The whole family and anyone within my arms length I make pick a horse. This year I'm going with Dublin. Go Dublin Go! Found a website last year where you can create your own jockey silks, that's a new tradition. I'd be trotting my jockey out in light blue, purple and apple green. HOT MESS! I try each year to pretend I had $300 and could buy a derby hat. It ginormous...brings a tear to the eye of even the loudest of the purple and red hat club ladies.

But Derby day is where I shine or maybe go a bit crazy. I have a Derby menu I make every year. Non-alcoholic Mint Juleps, Benedictine (Pope dip), Henry Bain Sauce for the steak, Derby Pie. Delicious! We watch the really long pre-race show. Every year I wish I actually knew the lyrics to "My Old Kentucky Home" just like all the Kentuckians in the stands. Then I stand the entire race and yell like a crazy person at the TV. The actually race usually last 2:00 minutes max. Totally worth it. The race is this Saturday. Now is the time, pick your pony!

Caramel & Licorice

2010-04-18T16:14:00.004-07:00

I've been asked for an update about the puppies so here ya go. And yes, I know they are dogs but I love them so forgive the mother like report. Josh took this majorly rad photo of our dogs when we took a homework break and went to the park yesterday. I love it. Both rear windows were down in the car but this is how they roll. My dogs are tight.

And they are thick as thieves at the park. They played with each other exclusively for the first 20 minutes simply revelling in the fact they had a larger area to do it in. Then they started making friends.

Mario is definitely the high strung one. He can run and run and run. If you say the word "park" in his presence he starts jump and honking (it's between and whine and a bark) he loves being out and playing. Our Mario, he loves intensely. When I get home for the day he follows me around until I sit down. Then climbs on the piece of furniture, stand over me and make sure everyone sees that I belong to him, that he and I are buddies. Once he's claimed me as his territory he snuggles right in and if I'll let him he won't move unless there is something to bark at.

Luigi is so chill, he has to be Polynesian. Luigi's version of fetch goes something like this. We throw the ball he chases Mario half way to the ball, then falls dead over on the ground, waits for Mario to do the rest of the running then gets up and chases Mario back to us. Luigi is a leaner. You'll be standing doing dishes or folding laundry and Luigi will come and find you and sit on your feet and lean into your legs. He has gorgeous golden eyes and this way of staring at you that just makes you know he loves you. Our local sister-in-law was getting the love stare last weekend and said, "Oh! Luigi has eyes just like Edward from Twilight." Maybe that's where Stephanie Meyer's got her inspiration. Edward is a hound dog. Lastly, Luigi doesn't not cuddle. Sure he'll let you love him for a few minutes but then the boy wants his space.

Okay that's our boys! Won't this be fun when I'm updating you on our children some day?

Peeps Winner

2010-04-04T14:15:00.004-07:00

Happy Easters Everybodies! "Hanging With My Peeps" was the winner of this years Peep Off. This peeps scene captures the basic flair of the book club of which Nancy and I both participate in. It features some of the books we've read and the fact that we always eat tasty meals! The prize van arrived at the home of Nancy yesterday to deliver her Peeps prize package. Come to find out she doesn't like the sugary delicious treats (blasphemer) so she took the coloring books but left the treats for me to enjoy!

Congratulations Nancy!! 350 or so days until next years competition, start planning now! I'm busy trying to figure out how to make peeps dance. I learned this year that microwaving a peep is not as funny as I thought it might be and that the new chocolate covered peeps are not delicious. Classic is where it's at!

Peep Off!

2010-03-27T23:51:00.006-07:00

The Peep Off Competition Judging starts today!! Vote for your favorite peeps entry using the voting tool in the top right hand corner. You choose the winner. Remember the Winner receives glory and bragging rights along with a prize package of Peeps paraphernalia. Voting closes at midnight April 1st.

Leaning Tower of Peepsa

Peep Pyramid & Sphynx

Hanging With My Peeps

Peep Airlines

Peeps School Work

Peep N' Slide

Peep War Scene

Peeps Deadline

2010-03-26T21:10:00.003-07:00

Midnight tomorrow is the the peeps entries deadline! We have some good competition this year. I will post them Sunday morning for voting. Great creative and good luck!!

Rewards

2010-03-17T23:37:00.004-07:00

I scored a pick at the concert! I'm almost thirty and I totally did a jig of joy and ran to Josh to show him my prize!! Woohoo! I was totally being rewarded!

Okay maybe it was because I was super close to the stage and karma might have paid us back for helping a girl find her drivers license & credits cards that she'd dropped in the dirt. While looking wham there the golden nuggets awaited, one for me and one for GPJ. We were rewarded bounteously! Whatever it was that brought us the good will, after probably 30 concerts I finally own a piece of the magic that happens on stage. I might tuck it in my pillowcase tonight.

Walk away me boys!

2010-03-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today is a high holy holiday at the Haws household! It's a Patty's Day Bash with Molly for us. Thought you might want a taste of it!

Power to the Peeples!!

2010-03-07T15:22:00.001-07:00

“Spring time a ring a ding a ding time. Birds sing! A ding, a ding, ding, ding! Sweet lovers love the spring!” Mr. Wonka, you are a delight! Willy and I share a love of all things spring (perfect weather, spring training games, blooming cacti) but we also share a love of candy. And ya’ll Easter time brings out the best candies mankind has ever created. Starburst jellybeans, Cadbury eggs and glorious gooey scrumdiddlyumptious Peeps!

Last year I started a little competition – the Peep Off. (Yes I totally stole this idea from a newspaper, but it makes me happy!) The idea is to use Peeps as an art medium. There are no restrictions; the only rule is you MUST use Peeps!! I will tell you that last year’s winner already has plans for their submission. It’s on like Donkey Kong folks!

Okay so for logistical reasons here is the boring stuff: Submit a photo or video to the competition by March 27th. Email it to me at my dedicated Peep Off email: peepsshow@gmail.com. Submission will then be posted on the blog for voting. Voting will begin March 28th and close April 1st. Winner receives glory and bragging rights along with a prize package of Peeps paraphernalia. Fancy that, fancy feast!

Nunchuck skills

2010-03-03T22:09:00.002-07:00

Okay I told Jel she had 48 hours to blog this amazing story and she didn't so I am. We had a nice Sunday dinner with our friends and we are all sitting around enjoying some friendly banter when out of nowhere Jel yells, "Seriously guys! Check out my Napolean Dynamite neighbor." So we all sneak to the window and this is what we see.... (excuse my bad drawing, we didn't have a camera)
The neighbor was practicing his nunchucking skills!! And I immediately said, "Open the window, we gotta hear if he chanting or grunting or hiyaing!" But no, the guy is silent as the night. All you can hear is the whipping sound of the nunchucks flinging in the breeze which incidently sounds like a really ancient toy helicopter. So we close the door and we are giggling and starting to loose interest when the view suddenly changes to this.....

FIRE FLINGING NUNCHUCKING SKILLS!!! Now I need an excuse to go meet my friends neighbor because hello!!! I need this guy on the Red Dawn team.

Kick Punch Kick!

2010-02-24T22:26:00.003-07:00

Today my coworker was doing some proactive stretching, doing some dramatic kick, punch, kicking moves. And I caught myself rapping "kick, punch, kick!" And suddenly it was major flash back time!!! This lovely face flashed before my eyes....

Do any of you know who he is?? Only the greatest Playstation game of all time!! It's PaRappa the Rappa!! Somebody say Ho!!

My sister had a Playstation the year I was a freshman in college. I would drive to her home and we would spend the weekend (when we weren't busy being karaoke rockstars) playing PaRappa the Rappa. We slayed at this game!!!! It was essentially the base theory for Dance Dance Revolution. You had to push the game buttons in rhythm with the raps that PaRappa was learning on his journey to becoming a hero. Yes, all you do for 12 levels is push buttons in rhythm to music. Get what, get back. It's awesome----ish!! I have fond memories of playing and singing all the words to "I gotta believe!" The game was a lot more challenging if you tried to sing while pushing the buttons.

Seriously ya'll, check out this wicked awesome website that shows how classy this game was...if you pick videos you can see game play. Master Chief has nothing on PaRappa! He can't even carry a tune, that's why he has all this pent up shooting alien aggression. PaRappa what's he got? "I gotta be me!"

http://www.us.playstation.com/PaRappatheRapper/

Adult Binkies

2010-02-10T21:32:00.006-07:00

Brought to you straight from the pages of my new best selling motivational pamphlet, "Even You Can Enjoy Strangers" I give you an excerpt about rants.

Everyone likes to believe they are an expert at something. This leads some of us to blog and some of us to randomly rant about topics in inappropriate situations. As an observer, some times fighting crazy with crazy is the best tactic to quickly diffuse the situation. For those times when you are stuck listen to someone incessantly argue the values of feeding a pet only homemade meals or how the downfall of society is the music industry this is my new favorite trick. When all else fails and you can't get the ranting to stop, just insert the Adult Binky or Adult Nuck-Nuck. This trick is applied by picking an equally absurd topic and talking as passionately as they are about the absurdity.

This weekend I chose to explain my unfounded dislike of Canada. I'm telling you that people get outraged about this. "Why would you hate Canada? They are so nice. What have they ever done to us? They have free health care! " I'll admit I think the plan worked so well because I had a wing man. She jumped right in suggesting we dig a moat and fill it with crocodiles to keep the Canadians from crossing the border. Maybe even flamethrowers, granted border towns would smell like bacon but we'd be free from intruders. We just kept going and going until...

The original crazy closed his honker and we were able to enjoy a nice dinner. Yes, some call this avoidance. I call it Adult Binky.

Domesticated Lions

2010-02-03T17:21:00.003-07:00

I read Wicked and Son of a Witch over the summer. Son of a Witch is better.

In both books Animals can speak. They are intelligent beings and until the wizard goes all evil they live as ordinary "people" in the land of Oz. By the second book things are not so hot for the Animals. There is a particular scene where a Lion is being kept as a family pet. The way it is described in the book it would be like keeping your neighbor Anna chained up in the backyard as a pet because she has curly hair. The Lion is submitting to it because he is fed regularly and basically cared for. When the boy Liir stares at him in disbelief, the Lion becomes angry and growls something to the effect of, "Just because I'm domesticated, doesn't mean I'm not hungry!!!" It's so frightening that Liir and you as the reader turn and flee figuring that if you don't you are the Lion's next meal.

I'm feeling a bit like that this last week. I know I've chosen my life and that I ultimately have the control. I could make things happen and I do, I am. It's the patience I lack and I sure am hungry! I guess I'm just frustrated craving creme brulee and getting oreos. Not that oreos are bad, they just aren't what I wished for.

So I'm just putting it out there to the universe I'd like a serving of creamy yet crunchy creme brulee please! And if it could be non-fat that would be a major bonus!

The King

2010-01-28T22:34:00.002-07:00

Aside from the fact the the Burger King guy maybe the single most frightening image on TV right now, he also thinks he's a sneaky pirate. But no sir!! I have your number hamburger man! EXPOSE!! ha ha hu hu he! (that's my french laugh) That's right I've picked up on your little evil plan and I'm totally calling you out old school playground style. So gather round, are you ready??

Burger King is trying to get us all to switch to onion rings. That's right!! I said it!!

Okay here's how the theory hatched: I haven't ordered french fries from BK in maybe 8 months that there has not been a succulent perfect tasty onion ring in my fries to entice me to the oniony dark side of adulthood. Doesn't it seem like once you like onions your old? Suddenly your taste buds have grown up? It's the final threshold. So tonight, we are munching away, (don't judge me people cause I eat fast food) and hark! there it awaits. One tasty golden ring. And then I look and Josh has one too! Then I realized, I was expecting one delicious ring. Frankly because they are always stinking there. Here is where I closed the conspiracy gap...those BK TV creepers are purposely providing one delicious onion ring in each box slowly making us all addicted. "They put an addictive chemical in it that make you crave for it nightly!!"

The benefits of switching the populations to rings:

I bet they are cheaper to produce. It's not like there is a whole state called the Onion State. Idaho, you've pushed their hand.
It takes fewer rings than fries to fill up the same box.
Lastly, Ogres are like onions.

Listen here Mr. Burger King. You are making a play for my last childhood strong hold, my dislike of onions. And though I know it was probably time for me to grow up, it is the sneakiness that has betrayed our relationship and the Hamburglar and I won't stand for it. Consider yourself unfriended.

Mario & Luigi

2010-01-23T10:35:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time there was our favorite dog named Mario. He looks a little three legged in this picture but he's not. He's a handsome regal beast, who let's Josh be the Alpha and Ellen be the love of his life. He's a perfect fit! But Mario needed a buddy, his life just didn't seem complete....

And so Josh announces one Sunday afternoon, "I'm going to find Mario a friend." And by Monday night we had another dog!! Josh was across town getting a soda at the AMPM gas station and there was a little puppy. He called to it and it came to him. After a thorough check from the vet and a promise he carried no disease that would hurt our Mario, we welcomed a little puppy!! Then began the name game....this was hard! We debated over Sero (evening in Italian..AMPM reference, my sister she's cool), Ryu (Nintendo street fighter character, loved it because he was a street dog) and Luigi (obvious reasons) were discussed and fretted over. After watching the dogs play and snuggle for a few days we settled on Luigi.

He has a white chest like Mario and a bit of white coloring on his toes. He has this amazing face that we finally got a really great picture of. He seems to be the wise old man of the two. He plays with energy but he is always the first to settle down. He not the cuddle bug Mario is. He's plenty happy to get his scratch, some love and then go lay on his bed to nap. All the puppies independent throw your paws up at me!! Mario loves it because then he can come plot down in my lap and snore for two hours.

We've got ourselves a gruesome twosome! Welcome home Luigi!! Now that I've re-read this it feels very Christmas family flyer but whatever.... pin a rose on your nose. Merry freaking Christmas.

New Puppy

2010-01-18T19:20:00.001-07:00

Help name me! My brother puppy is named Mario, so my parents are thinking Nintendo or Italian.

Favorite phrases in the last week

2010-01-13T21:07:00.004-07:00

"Eventually they'll be a herd immunity and people won't get so sick." - Ok!!! Is Herd Immunity not the greatest new band name?? I was mega excited about it, ran home and immediately changed our rock band name.
"I'm done talking to womens. They don't know as well as mens." - Yeah, I'd been trying to help this guy for half of the day with something and he now suddenly thinks "mens" are going to make it betters? Eat rocks and die.
"Fruitcup." This is Josh's new pet name for everyone. How you doing, fruitcup? Take that fruitcup. I own you fruitcup!! It makes me laugh every time.
"It wasn't really all that bad." Josh said this as we drove home tonight from a young women's sports event. 136 girls playing volleyball all at once. I coordinate it all and I bullied Josh into refereeing one of the courts for me. I thought it was fun but exhausting, he thought it wasn't really all that bad.
"Bret Michaels?? He's so irrelevant!" Our book club got a bit distracted and started talking about reality TV. One of our members doesn't have cable and they were filling her in on dating TV showing on MTV. This is my favorite response ever!
We just went outside to watch it rain and I was shivering away. My sweet husband looks at me and exclaims"Are you cold? I will hug you!" and then he mauled me! I love him!

Bwugg!!!

2010-01-06T16:54:00.003-07:00

"Bwugg!!!"

Doesn't it look like that's what the lady in the background is saying? Why does she look so surprised? And you know she made an audible noise. "Oi!" "Argh!" "Bwoink!" This is how I would be caught too, making a weird face and in my grey shirt and black pants. CURSES! This is why I am going to try to dress fiercer in 2010. I do like her shoes better than Gwen's though!

Keep being AWESOME!

2010-01-05T15:13:00.004-07:00

Personal disclaimer: I love me some Vegan food. I think if you want to live the Vegan life style more power to you. I just had to share. The T-Rex image on this just made me cackle. Look at that wacky tongue. Roar!!

Why kids make Christmas so cool

2009-12-25T23:43:00.004-07:00

Many moons ago a certain brother of mine snuck down in the middle of the night to check out the goodies Santa had left. Upon returning to the room he shared with my sister she asked if he saw anything she got. He said yes! She was getting something from F.K. She wondered all night. The next morning she woke up to a Phil Collins tape.

Side story: This reminds me that every year from about the time I turned 11 until I moved out that brother and I would always try and be the first to sneak a peek. On year we scared the holy beejeezees out of each other. I squealed a little, he kung fu jumped. Then we sat on the stairs and silent Muppet laughed. I think we snuck for peeks together after that.

Nephew says to me on the phone today, "Hi Auntie! We can bake cookies, brownies, make donuts and cakes now cause sister got an Easy Bake Oven!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and I got a Wii."

Niece received bubbles as one of her little side gifts. She said, "We must go outside right now!" The temperature was below freezing in her home town today.

Then there is the accountant Niece. This one cracked me up, I understand the majority of what she says but today there was obviously excitement so I wasn't catching everything. What I was catching was the way she was telling me about her gifts. The conversation went like this.

"Merry Christmas, Niece! What did you get for Christmas?"

"My kitchen. Check.
My doll. Check.
Princess. Check.
Stickers. Check.
A Wii. Check. That's brothers.
Some candies. Check."

Yep, she's making a list, checking it twice. Merry Christmas to you all! Hope your day was filled with cheer and you too were able to check all your items off you list!

Keep your eye on the prize!

2009-12-24T11:50:00.004-07:00

Sometimes you have to admit that the internet is just plain cool. Track Santa's journey around the world using this link:

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/index.html#utm_campaign=en_US&utm_medium=ha&utm_source=en_US-ha-na-us-bk-gm&utm_term=norad

Happy Christmas Eve Everyone!

Merry Frosty Christmas

2009-12-24T00:26:00.004-07:00

I almost got in a rumble at CVS today. I've got my cold back and so I stopped to stock up on cold essentials. I'm waiting in line to check out and there is a very mean Ebenezett Scrooge making some purchases in front of me. Ya'll she was awful to my check out man. Let me explain that I have a particular affection for this check out man. He reminds me of Apu from QuickiMart in the Simpsons. He always is smiling and he is the nicest man ever. CVS check register man cannot be a fun job, but he always manages to greet me and be kind. I always make sure to check out with him.

So after being particularly nasty he still manages to muster up the courage to say, "Merry Christmas." To which she said, "Merry Frosty Christmas!" (She used a different f word.) Okay yes, I'll probably get shanked one day. Put that on my tombstone, she knew it would happen. I just can't stand ridiculously angry people taking it out on bystanders. And I so suddenly I found myself singing out loud, "And a Happy New Year!!" right to grumpy pants.

Wooooo! She spun on her toes "Oh you think your so funny!!!!" And then she even sort of approached. Cashier man looked terrified, I think he pushed the emergency CVS page button. Probably called in the film man and the pharmacist for back up. I just smiled sweetly at her like I meant it and she gave me a "PFFFTT!" and stormed out. I then stepped to the counter and purchased my items making sure to wish my register friend a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

That's a capital idea, Mr. Watson!

2009-12-22T19:46:00.002-07:00

Yes I’m excited to see Sherlock Holmes, but that’s not what this blog is about. It’s about this crazy article and what it made me think of! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34523276/ns/entertainment-movies/ Okay first of all doesn’t it make you smile that a Chippendale dancer won the overnight stay in home with the sexy leg lamp. Funny! I hope the Bumpkiss dogs kept him up all night!

Then I thought, seriously $4200 for one night? That’s a major profit! Listen I’ve always dreamed of owning a bed and breakfast and I think I just found my theme! I’ll have the main house for less adventurous vacationers and then little cabins that look like famous movie houses – you could do just Christmas houses for heaven’s sake! People could call in and book the Ralphie house. Or a Whoville bungalow. What about the Jack the Pumpkin King castle? Or a Polar Express train car? Large families can book the Home Alone House, included in the rental is a free pizza delivery with a gallon of milk. The houses wouldn’t have to have kitchens or anything, just look like the house from the front and then have a bathroom and then bedroom/bedrooms similar to the movie. Home Alone house would obviously have an attic room with a pull out couch.

Personally I’d want to stay in the Elf cabin.

Obviously as a bed and breakfast you’d have to make it more comfy, but you could make it look like this! Granted Josh and I would probably have to move or invest in a very large snow maker. Million dollar idea right here folks…anyone want to invest?

Idea Patented by Sheriff & Felon Associates RCPLMQT 2010

Miss Guided, Your Gift Giving Countess

2009-12-21T21:25:00.003-07:00

Crickey!! We sure do have a beauty of a man living here in these wild grasses of my homeland. He sure is a beautiful specimen! A tricky little mate, bugga hard to predict his gift desires and wishes. Sure like any present predator he gives plenty of tale-tell hints but how can the hunter be sure of the target when shown twelve different keyboards which one will be the best bait?? It is quite the quandary. (Wouldn’t quandary be a funny word if said by Steve Irwin?) Okay I’m dropping the bit.

Listen, after a delicate debate with Josh and his brother I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I don’t agree with them but I know now the tricksy. At least the ticket for Haws men, if you don’t know exactly what to buy husband because you wrote it down in triplicate copy including serial number, model number and preferred colors, just give him cash or gift card. Plain and simple, to them it’s not impersonal. It’s freedom!!! They can frolic through purchasing freedomland! Yes, they like a sentimental gift periodically. But really, they would rather get what they want or get nothing at all. Bah Humbug……..okay I added that.

But, ouch right? For me a gift isn’t worth getting unless the person thought of me and picked something they thought I would like. Sure I’ll give people ideas, but I’d rather get a completely unexpected star throw pillow that I love, or a kick arse board game. It’s mega lame if I have to say, “Buy me a Purple Casio DJ Guitar set to Mandolin, yeah.” I’d like to think people can look at my personality and then purchase me something. The boys say this is an unrealistic expectation and romantic. Romantic I’ll give them, but unrealistic really? I don’t know about that.

Is this a man, woman difference? Will we be perpetually perturbed at each other’s gift giving skills? Yes in 2009, I’ll man up and just give the mate cash for the holiday, but shouldn’t he lady up and buy me an unexpected surprise?

5 Things I Hate About Walbart aka the Evil Empire

2009-12-20T16:43:00.006-07:00

Besides taking advantage of their employees, running local grocery stores into oblivion, claiming to have the best sales but always seeming to cost more, there are other things I dislike about the Evil Empire know as Walmart or as Josh calls it, Walbart.

1. Overpopulation of fish tanks - have you seen all those poor suckers crammed into one little tank?? It's a crying shame in my opinion. You can almost here them, "Help me!!" Nemo is probably waging his special fin finger at you, Walbart. For the record - Josh wants everyone to know that he thinks that the fish like this. They swim in schools maybe they actually think this is comfortable.

2. Seriously Miley Cyrus?? Voted by teenagers as the worst celebrity influence on teenagers. http://www.ivillage.com/miley-cyrus-voted-worst-celebrity-influence/1-a-62280 Good work Walbart! Way to know your market. Thanks for making her immodest clothes available at low prices so all teens can be just like her. Next season, teen boy clothes by Tiger Woods & David Letterman.

3. Okay really this picture is sad, but funny at the same time. Do we really need warning signs like this? Don't tupperware your child, it does not keep them minty fresh. And on the obscure chance you do, you now can't sue Walbart!

4. As if stocking the check out aisles with candy and toys is not evil enough, now you build an indoor playland? Evil. I could approve if just one ride was free, but no..... Also how come the rides have to sing even when they aren't in motion. While standing in line for 20 minutes while your cashier price checks tater tots I get to hear the Pooh Bear song 11 times. You just add to the rage in the cage.

5. Okay, Josh said he'd never noticed this until I pointed them out, but people, the parking lot is always full of the harbingers of death. I know every grocery store has birds in the parking lot, but crows? Evil attack crows?!?! Does that put you in the grocery spirit? Your all walking to the store door and in your head thinking "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, snuggly little....ooh hey look at that crow tearing the eyes out of the baby doll. And that one eating rocks...surely they won't rise up one day and attack us for our luscious food goods." I'm telling you - eminent doom!! And it's not just my store, you see them at your store too! You know it's true! Caw-caw!!!

Playlists

2009-12-19T17:51:00.004-07:00

Christmas playlist:

Barenaked Ladies - Footprints

Carly Simon - Night Before Christmas - This is on the Mixed Nuts Soundtrack. Arguably the best Christmas cd ever created. I could just list all the songs from that album. Just purchase it. It's worth it!

Harry Connick Jr - When My Heart Finds Christmas

John Denver & The Muppets - Christmas is Coming

King Singers - Stille Nacht - Oh yeah, that's my choir nerd showing!

Augie Rios - Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?

Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings

John Lennon - Happy XMas

Otis Redding - White Christmas

Sarah McLachlan - Song for a Winter's Night - Side note: Sarah made a Christmas cd. It's the saddest, suicide inducing holiday cd ever. She has a gorgeous voice, but something in it makes me want to turn off all the lights, weep softly and rock gently. Not very Christmasy. Good try Sarah but I warn you folks this CD is not for a sad Christmas.

Harry Connick Jr - I Pray On Christmas. - It's a dream of mine to lead a ward choir in a stirring rendition of this song someday.

I-pod playlist: (no particular order)

Weezer - Love Is The Answer - love them!

Muse - I Belong to You/Mon Coeur S'ouvre a ta Voix - killer oboe stylings that bring me joy!

Swell Season - Low Rising - just buy their whole album, you won't regret it.

Owl City - Fireflies -addicted to this song, it's just a happy song.

Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me - this man's voice feels like a hug for my heartache, enough said.

Indigo Girls - Second Time Around - a list from me wouldn't be complete without an IG song, I'm just feeling this song right now.

The Velvet Underground - I'm Sticking With You

Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive

Glee Volume 1 - Hate On Me - gleek.

Ben Folds - Learn to Live With What You Are

Foo Fighters - can I just say everything?? I guess the pick for today would be All My Life.

A double cd set for your listening enjoyment!

Butt Bombs

2009-12-18T15:12:00.003-07:00

Come with me on a journey through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then through the Lincoln Tunnel of my memories. I have this tender spot of a faint memory that is spurred by a certain Christmas song. Maybe the siblings can help fill in the spots here where I don’t have all the details.

I was in first grade when my Brother the Youngest was born. He had red hair as a baby and I thought because he was born in the same month as me he was my birthday present. He’s the best present I ever got!! This was maybe his second Christmas. The tree stood on top of the piano, (we apparently put a lot of things on top of the piano), so that Brother the Youngest couldn’t destroy ornaments. I think Maternal Grandpa was there and we decided to put on a little holiday show for him! Every kid thinks they put on excellent shows and we decided it would be our gift to him!

I can’t really remember what the majority of us did. I’m sure we sang, played the piano, danced, told jokes. It was a holiday extravaganza! What I vividly remember is Brother the Youngest’s routine. We had a record that had the Muppets singing a whole bunch of Christmas songs. Dressed in nothing but a diaper, Sister put on “Run, Run Reindeer.” After doing some generally adorable baby rump shaking, little man would start at one side of the room run across at full speed, jump straight up in the air and then land flat butted with a thump on his little diaper toosh.

“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!
“Run, run reindeer!” Pitter patter jump thud!!

It had to have hurt, but being the performer he was, he kept going for the length of the song because he was getting killer laughs! And I still giggle every time I hear that song I can’t help but visualize this little mostly nudist brother of mine booty bombing the floor after every “Reindeer!!!”

Nylons..the other white meat

2009-12-17T23:35:00.005-07:00

Don't eat nylons. It's probably really bad for you. The challenge today thanks to suggestion is other uses for nylon so you get to hear about my genius madre.

Madre had 5 kids who I personally think were all...switch to British professor voice....moderate geniuses with great imaginations and a superior talent of imagination. Okay more like pretty smart, sassy to the max and vocal, really vocal. The problem was if she didn't keep us busy we turned into havoc tornadoes!! The awesome thing was my Madre was superior at keeping 5 kids entertained. Seriously, highlight activities - homemade face paint, videotaping a reenactment of the three little bears, puppets out of Jello containers. She rocketh!

What does this have to do with nylons? I think we were a little out of control on year right before Halloween because suddenly we all get called to the kitchen table and Madre has the last 3 weeks of newspaper, four black pair of old nylons and paint. "Start wadding up the paper." She had Sister the Eldest take our little newspaper balls and stuff them down the legs of the nylons. So we diligently wadded and filled each leg, mind you I'm sure we tossed the balls around a few times before they went into the nylon. What's the fun if you can't toss them at the brothers, am I right? Then she had us tie all of the top part of the hose together. So now we had eight legs!! We were making a spider! How cool is Madre? She then helped us stretch on of the control tops up and over the remaining balls of newspaper and tied it at the top to make the head. Madre then painted the outline of eyes on the now head to our spider and we got to fill them in. It was totally awesome!! He sat on our piano and I thought he was so cool cause he was big and I had made him! Cause what's better than having created something?

I still get that way! Here's where I tie in the Christmas part....tomorrow we are doing a White Elephant exchange at work and so I decided to create my present. I made a scarf out of old work shirts. Check me out!!

Thanks Madre for empowering me to feel that I can create things!

Christmas Confessions

2009-12-16T17:47:00.004-07:00

I can’t help it, judge me if you must. I love Augie Rios’s song “Mamacita, Donde Estan Santa Claus?” It’s just not Christmas until I’ve heard it and sang along. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK77rxuXK5s

I’ve never seen White Christmas or Polar Express. I do have White Christmas sitting patiently on my DVR. It’s my plan for Sunday afternoon.

This is kind of a general confession but seems to be heightened at the holidays. I loathe with the passion of a thousand drumming monkeys blasted Celine Dion. She has one Christmas Album but I seem to hear her everywhere. HUSH Celine, I don’t want to hear your Canadian warble.

Just once, I want a reenactment of the Nativity where the innkeeper lets Mary & Joseph in. Blasphemous? Probably. Awesome? YES!! Josh was the innkeeper this year….it was tempting, but he was fortunately better behaved than my thoughts.

I cry every year when we put up and take the tree down. Nostalgia, home sickness, allergy to fake trees, all of the above? I don’t know I just do every year. That’s right, I cry.

Lastly, I know that Santa is real and I think you do too. I read one time that people who believe in the unbelievable live happier, fuller lives. Don’t fool yourself by being too grown up to believe. Just believe because Santa’s watching!

Pajama Pants & Pinatas

2009-12-15T21:06:00.003-07:00

Josh's family always has a Christmas pinata. It is always created by a family member and usually decorated festively. The extended family gets together on Christmas Eve and they bust it to shreds!! The tradition is two hits, starting with the youngest. My one experience with the Haws pinata is a bit different.

The pinata I experienced was similar in size and shape to a basketball. It dangled from the garage door track arm. It was covered in layers and layers of duct tape, because the older cousins were tired of not getting a swing at it. See Josh has like 100 first cousins, that's not a lie. So usually the kids his age don't get a chance to hit it. But not the year I was there, this industrial strength 75 proof basketball pinata made it all the way to Josh's brother who was 25 at the time. It probably survived 50 direct blows! Massively impressive!!

My family has adopted this pinata massacre tradition and I admit, it's a really good time.

At my house, we always get to open one present on Christmas Eve and it's always a pair of pajamas. My mom is the best at finding crazy pajamas. They either have a theme or they match or they have crazy socks with them. She is the Stacy London of Pajama Wear. Somewhere along the way as children we started this game of racing to see who could run to their room, change into their pajamas and run back to the tree first. The winner gets to do their little victory dance for everyone! It's always a big debate about who makes it first. This tradition lingers no matter what age we are. It's never a fair race, some of us have kids to help change and some of us move slower than others, but without fail the last set of jammies gets opened there is a moment of silence and then the sprint begins. Until one year.....

The last set of pajamas gets opened....there is the moment of anticipation. It tingles in the air a little, everyone is waiting for someone to make the first move. A boy did he!! Brother-in-law jumped to his feet and dropped his draws right in the middle of the family room! And man did we scurry!! And of course he won! He saved valuable time not running to his room and back. And when the shock wore off I was envious, twenty some odd years of racing and I'd never ever ever thought of that! Never thought how to skim minutes of my change time, uhhh! He's a true competitor and for that you can't fault him. All you can do is ask yourself, think he'd run if did the same next year??

Tinsel Man

2009-12-14T17:39:00.005-07:00

“Toto, I’m just not feeling holiday cheer.” Dorothy moped around in her pjs of candy canes and reindeer. “Honestly what in the world is a perfectly cute girl to do? I’m feeling oh so stinking holiday blue.”

And Toto being the love of her life, wanted to do his best to stop her strife. He cuddled, he kissed, he nuzzled her hair, but the blues were too much for one cairn terrier. And so he did what any good dog would do, Toto howled for her friends then chewed on her shoe.

Smarty scarecrow arrived and did his golly-gee best, but Dorothy would not give the sniffling a rest. A cheery lion arrived with not an ounce of fear, but the girl just sat with one giant tear. And who tried next to make the blubbering stop? Tinsel Man sparkling from foot to funnel top! Yes the Tin Man, 11 months of the year. But in December he was Tinsel from toes to ears.

He sparkled, he shimmered, he did the Tinsel Man dance. Every ounce was tinsel, even his pants. He sang loud of Christmas all the time blinging, and soon Dorothy was laughing and singing. He rustled and waved as he skipped out of sight, “Merry Christmas ya’ll and a Tinsel Goodnight!!”

12 Days of Blogging

2009-12-13T14:41:00.002-07:00

All right, so I issued a challenge on a whim and then was taken up on it! Most people think my challenges are too crazy and just say, "You crazy, Blitzen!" And then I don't have to fulfill said Challenge. This has saved me more than once. This is why I surround myself with reasonable people, they monitor me. Keep my impulses in check.

But not this time.... Tomorrow starts the 12 days of Christmas, This friend, I'll call her Cheerful, blogged about hitting a writers block and so then came the challenge. We'll blog about 12 random things for 12 days straight.

So tomorrow it begins, we aren't putting any rules on this, just that we both have to write something every day on the agreed topic. Have any suggestions for topics? Leave me a comment. We probably won't write on gun control, child slavery or the cost of shoes (what are your overheads?) because we'll it's Christmas folks and Buddy the Elf taught me that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

As a further disclaimer before this all starts I feel that I should warn you. School is out for winter break and I feel liberated to be me again. So the crazy is in full swing, you may suggest Yule Logs expecting to get a nice little Christmas story from me but maybe I'll post a recipe or a blog about Ren & Stimpy and a fake commercial they had on their show called Log! I can still sing the whole song! "It's Log, It's Log! It's big it's heavy it's wood. It's Log! It's Log! It's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log, come on and get a log. Your gonna get a log! Everyone wants a log! From Mayco."

So yeah...you've been warned. Type at ya tomorrow!

Wuggies!

2009-11-05T19:34:00.003-07:00

I was mocked a bit for my snuggies obsession of earlier this year. But just so you cool cats know, all the really cool kids know that awesomeness that is snuggy.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIGmvB-VUl0

Or as I prefer to call it, the wuggie!! That's right, no more mocking! Weezer even loves them! And we all know Weezer = Cool.

My wuggie is on back order right now but I promise you all some very high fashion America's Next Top Model shots of me rocking my wuggie when it arrives!

Mr. Grumpy Gills

2009-11-04T14:11:00.006-07:00

I play a little game when I walk to the cafeteria here at work. I say Hi to everyone, whether I know them or not. Then for fun I give myself points for every response I get. Quarter of a point for a nod. Full point for a verbal response. Triple points if I scare them, not that I try to scare people just that some people are just jumpy. NO ONE, that's right not a one said hi back to me today and today was a high traffic day, I passed like 12 people. Why? I don't smell. I'm dressed nice today, combed my hair. The weather is perfect so we can't blame it on it being too hot. My work has the case of the grumpies!

And then I talked to Josh, and so does Josh! WHAT? Anyone who know Josh knows he would be the most boring rollercoaster ride ever, more like a train ride perfectly pleasant, level and steady. He is the most mellow, enjoyable, even-tempered person and he's grumpy too!

Chin up buckaroos! How come everyone is so grumpy right now, eh? Do we need to hug it out people? Time out for Coca-Cola? I present you with this joke in my attempt to help the grumpies of the world shake it off. Maybe we just need a laugh.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate.

I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car & opened the trunk.

Taking out two cardboard men, I unfolded them & stood them at the rear of my car, facing the oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it. They are in trench coats, exposing naked bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing to see my cardboard men, making it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

Of course traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns, & waving like crazy, so it wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind and walked towards me I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing
here by the road?"

I couldn't believe he didn't know. So I told him.

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Jingle Jungle

2009-10-25T17:18:00.002-07:00

How do you birds do it? How do you become accessorizing masters? We could literally be in the same outfit, black shirt and jeans and you look all hip and cool and I look all drabby and full of teenage angst! Teach me Obi won!

I've secretly picked out my accessories champion and I'm trying to master her great and powerful style. She is truly a superior accessorizer. An icon of all things that clasp - bracelets, necklaces, shoes, earrings. It's mega. She's got the ability to make a statement with a piece of flair. She's my bling idol.

Oh and my favorite thing about her? She never, no never, jangles. You know what I'm talking about. I swear she does the shake test before she leaves the house and if it rattles it comes off. You can admire her visually without having to hear it. No clankity clank, tinkle tink, bang whomp kapow! And I think that's half of her magical power, she's silent like a stephanie meyer's vampire and it draws you in. You feel the need to come closer because you have to see if she's wearing something you can't hear from three offices away that she has a bracelet on. The song isn't Silence is the sound of your bracelets clinking. No the song is Silence is Golden.

I'm onto your jewlery mantra, good accessory lady. Give me like maybe another 5 years in your presence and maybe I'll understand the art of necklaces and earrings that "go together" not match.

Me & the Piemaker!

2009-10-06T19:52:00.003-07:00

Okay my blogging has gotten majorly inconsistent, but so has my life. And so I've become reflective on the idea of what I would do if I could just magically change the world to make the day to day more dynamic/entertaining/colorful? How would I technicolor dream coat my life?

Pushing Daisies!!! Tell me you people watched that show!! I started a protest the day they cancelled this show, I mailed mood enhancing pies, a pop-up book that guided them back to my tv set, but to no avail. It was just gone from my life. Sorrow.

Hmm where to start. Okay first, I'd love to have random singing, musical moments in my life. Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfQ488hHKpY

Truthfully I do this probably on a daily basis in my head and though an actual live action moment might not be 100% possible, I'd love the opportunity to be like "DJ, hit it!" and just sum up a conversation or a moment with a little tune or number. Sometimes words just miss the mark.

Second, set design. Life would be better if color, print, texture existed everywhere we were. You catch a little bit of it in the video clip above, but if you are really interested check out this website, there are some good photos of it. I just think sometimes life is boring because of the lack of inspiration in paint color and carpeting.

http://www.denofgeek.com/television/296961/design_appreciation_the_sets_of_pushing_daisies.html

I'm talking variety people! Patterns, plaids, bold colors! So help me if I go into one more tan on tan house that the wife calls Buttercream on Mocha!!

Third, I'd take the wardrobe in a heart beat! And if I could convince Josh to dress like the piemaker.....

Fourth, I'd create me a friend like Emerson Cod. He's the detective on the show and is a pushy, straight talking jerk. One of my favorite Emerson lines, "The truth ain't like puppies: a bunch running around and you pick your favorite." Words to live by, yo. However all ruff and gruff, he is lovable because he's quirky! He has this uncanny ability to get people in a rhyming rhythm when they speak. Usually the best minute of dialogue in the show. Just in normal dialogue and then suddenly it starts rhyming. I want to rhyme in my everyday speech and not have people think I'm mocking them. I tried it one day, people got angry thinking I was making fun of them. It wasn't pretty. Back to Emerson, he crochets! He has designed a pop-up book. He prefers to call people by nickname he has created only. Oh and he can dress. I have friends with elements. I've got an avid crocheter, and a great dresser, I even have a jerk. :) But the total package people, it'd be awesome. I'd want to carry him around in my purse.

Technicolored my life would be! It would still be life, just maybe more pleasing! What girl doesn't want her own soundtrack to her life, more pizazz in decor, wardrobe and an Emerson!

Manly Games and Melodies

2009-09-06T18:57:00.003-07:00

"No! Avenge me!"

Josh is playing video games with his buddy and though he kindly has turned the sound down so that I don't have to hear grenade explosions, repetitive gun fire, or computer character death I do get to hear him as he hollers out his heroic moments and terror. "I rocked that guy!"

Josh tries really hard to keep it G rated for me. He says things like, "Hey Mister, that ain't very friendly." or "Oh no! They owned my faced!" I know it is going really well when he randomly giggles, it is really intense when he gets silent and it is really bad when he starts hollering! "That's horse crap! Kill that guy" "Take that pork chop guy!"

But my favorite part is while the map reloads. They sing, that is right two grown men who just moments ago were shooting people to bits in the virtual world are now belting it out. It is awesome. I'm guaranteed to hear "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" and at some point "Little diddy about Jack and Diane...." sometimes you get Girl from Impanema. It is the third random song that I love. You never really know what you are going to get. I've got my fingers crossed for a little Kelly Clarkson or Kanye West.

You've served us well....adieu

2009-08-09T20:35:00.004-07:00

Once upon a time there was a darling husband and wife who went on a little camp out. They remembered stopped to feed themselves prior to arriving at camp swinging by their neighborhood grocer to purchase their dinner. Just because they were eating in the car didn't mean they couldn't eat in style! They bought chicken, macaroni salad, Hawaiian rolls. It was a magnificent car meal. Wife in her over grabbing way had procured too many plastic forks at the deli. Not to being a waster, she tucked a fork up in the visor telling her husband that one day he would love her because he'd be somewhere and he'd be in desperate need of an eating utensil and then...... YES!! Thus was born "Emergency Fork!"

Fast forward to months later, we've had a few good snickers out of seeing Emergency Fork but most of the time neither of us remember it is even there. Poor neglected E.F. On this particular night, Josh is taking me on a hot date to dinner and the blazing Arizona sun is invading my retina. In a fit of blindness I fumbled for the visor and heard the fatal crack of damaged goods.
Woe is me!! I have ruined Emergency Fork! Josh grumbles at me and reaches up to jokingly discipline me with the carnage I have cause and in his grasping, he yells "EF DOWN!!!".....
It's over! There is no saving it now. Not even for memorial sake. And in between my sobbing and snickering at my failed attempt at emergency preparedness Josh points out very somberly, "Though fork may have left us, it has always left an imprint on us."

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

2009-08-06T18:37:00.001-07:00

I have this tender moment that keeps running around in my head from my recent trip to Washington. In all the fun, rushing and celebration of the trip I had the pleasure of sharing a quiet moment with two of my favorite girls, my niece Abby and my sweet sister-in-law Jessica. This moment of love, of giggles, of joy – this memory resonates peace to my soul.

Jessica is Josh’s twin and she is mentally disabled. Our Jessica is love. Abby just turned two. She is vivacious, quizzical, all things two! A visit to the Haws house is full of aunts, uncles and cousin visits, outings, projects and chats. It’s a blissful blitz from touchdown to takeoff. But for this brief moment I found myself sitting quietly in the same couch cushion on the couch next to my Jessie watching Abby play with her toys. Jessica always sits too close, it’s how she says, “I love you.” The house was still and we all seemed to be enjoying the moment. I put my arm around Jessica who happens to be the music aficionado in the family and started a silly version of Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes giving her a honk on the nose at the end. Jessica let out a pleasant squeal and I looked up to see Abby standing at the end of the couch waiting to join the party. I smiled at her and she floated forward in the way two year old princesses do and climbed onto my lap. Now I had my hands full but I wasn’t about to stop the fun! I’m Auntie Ellen! So I braced myself and we started another round, I worked one hand pointing out Jessie’s head, shoulder, knees and toes while simultaneously pointing out Abby’s eyes, ears, mouth and nose. Not only did they laugh when I finished, but they clapped! We moved on to other songs, “Three Little Monkeys” “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” all three of us completely happy to sit squished on one couch cushion singing sweet simple happy songs.

I don’t remember how the moment ended or why we stopped, but I will never forget the way they watched my hands as I did the actions, the way they laughed and clapped as I finished a song and the pure love we all felt for each other in that moment enveloped in a leather couch in Grandpa’s house in Washington.

Melts in your mouth, Not in your spine!

2009-07-28T19:12:00.005-07:00

I have a darling friend who has been suffering from a major back problem the last few months. Diligent has friend followed doctors recommendations, stretching, bending, allowing them to poke and prod. Yes, there has been some relief, but mostly nothing. We all wait for the magical cure all.

I sprained my back muscles last week and I would say minutely began to understand what friend has been suffering. In my one-tenth way I understand how uncomfortable it is. My highest sympathies to you, friend! And so as I cruised the Internet this evening, my eye was naturally drawn to an inspiring article on CNN, "Blue M&M dye reduces spine injury in mice" Say what?? That's right! The blue dye they use in M&M and Gatorade if injected directly into the spinal cord can heal the spine! For rizzo!! (Rizzo - also a famous Muppets mouse) And so I'm thinking STAT! We need 30 CCs for friend! And then I read that there is a small interesting side effect... you start out looking like this...
Cute little creepy red eyed mouse. Look at him all sore back watching TV on his stomach just like my friend does. Poor buddy. Then they squirt you full of M&M blue and you end up looking like this....

Smurf Mouse!!! The thing is that the blue goes away. You only stay blue for "awhile." So the question is, would it be worth it? Would you go blue to get your function back? What if "awhile" is 3 weeks? 6 months? 2 years?

I totally would do it! For the medical bonus and because blue is beautiful. Not to mention slimming I hear! Holla!

Challenged.

2009-07-03T10:15:00.004-07:00

We've had a joyous June. Josh's brother Nathan came home from his mission to Virginia and my brother Grant came home from his mission to Philadelphia as well! I squeezed girls camp in there too. In my own special way of doing things I thought oooh I know how, let's try come up with a person challenge!! So I challenged myself to do something I wouldn't normally do at each place and so here is the list:

1. WA state with Josh's Family: I really did two things of note. First, I rode a tractor. Yes I've been part of a farming family for how many years? 7. And yes this was my first time on a tractor. It was fun! Thanks Nate. And second, I went with the girls and got those extendo french manicure nails at a salon. Were they gorgeous? YES! Am I meant to have nails like that? NO! I made it a few weeks and then got all angsty because somehow my short nails I've allowed to become part of my personality and the long pretty nails were throwing off my groove and making me feel not me. Don't get me wrong, it was fun! Josh loved how pretty my hands looked. I just cracked, they didn't feel like me.

Embarrassing moment: I taught Josh's family about "awkward turtle." Everyone is laughing and trying it out. And they all go back to talking and I say to Josh and his cousin Alex, "You know when something is really awkward there is always the awkward sea turtle." And I throw my hands in my armpits and swing my elbows in the air while bobbing my head. Now they both hysterically laughed which is what I was going for, but then I looked up and about half the room had seen my dance but not heard what I said. Sweet moves Ellen!!

2. Girls camp: I actually tried really hard to obey the rules. Sounds boring right? But if you know me at all this is a huge challenge for me. So go me!

Embarrassing moment: I managed to pick the squeakiest bunk bed ever! I mean honestly I couldn't scratch my nose without a squeaky rendition of a John Sousa melody erupting. The embarrassing part is I kept forgetting how blasted squeaky it was. So I'm in the leaders cabin so there were always spiritual and deep conversations going on and during one particularly intense moment I walked over and plopped down to take off my shoes and just erupted the room with SCKAWEEEK!!! then starting giggling. The ladies just moved on, I don't think they really noticed but I was embarrassed and I thought it was hysterical.

3. OR state with my Family: I swam in a lake! It's not that I've never done this before it's just always a big deal when I do. I'm not a great swimmer. Okay the truth is, I'm not a swimmer. I don't like to have my face in the water it's oppressive. (Yes, I'm considering adult swim lessons.) But we were at this gorgeous lake, we had life vests, we were out on a rented boat and it was a beautiful day! And I just jumped! It was awesome!! Flipping freezing, but awesome!

Embarrassing moment: Not really as embarrassing as just ridiculous. My parents own the game Rock Band. And the girls - Shannon, Stacie and I decide we are going to rock it one night! So Stacie is singing, Shannon is shredding it on the guitar and I'm going to drum. But even on easy I can't even begin to play this song. So my brother Keith takes over the foot pedal and I'm still loosing and so now he's playing the foot pedal and beat boxing the rhythm of the drums to me so that hopefully I can just make it through the song. I finally did (Thank You Keith!!) but it was the special Olympics version of easy drumming on Rock Band.

So today is the 3rd of July both Josh and I have off work. Maybe I should go find something brave to do.... navel piercings anyone??

Cleansing breathe….wooo-saaah! Welcome to edition 92 of Ellen-Makes-A-Fool-Of-Herself-Day!

2009-06-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

Adventure One – Part One!! Strutting across campus with a co-worker to get lunch and the groundskeepers are testing the sprinkler system. I am so enthralled in the story she’s telling that I don’t dodge that massive wave of water that is coming right at us! She expertly does, honestly like a well trained water dodging ballerina. I didn’t get too wet really, but yes I walked head strong into a sprinkler in my work clothes. The groundskeeper openly laughed at me!! So in efforts to make myself look cool I act like it was all part of my plan and very cool-like I say, “One of these days I’m just going to run right down the middle of all of these.” To which there was no response, a shoulder shrug, and a wide-eyed blank stare, leaving me wondering if our dear little groundskeeper understood a lick of my sarcastic English.

Adventure Two!! Background: Friend and I had just made a pact about the cafeteria just prior to sprinkler incident. See there is a new café group and as part of their ordering process you have to give them your name, they make your food, then you go to the cash register, give your name again and that’s how they know what you ordered – very new agey high tech melarachy. So in a secret pact, Friend and I had decided to give a different name every day. So I order my sandwich, café man asks for my name and I say “Ruby.” Suddenly there is a burst of giggles behind me.

“RUBY??!??” says my past co-worker from another department. “Your name is not Ruby.” (P.S. This outburst of hers totally nulled any possibility she had of joining any future potential undercover society that I may chair.)

“Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be,” laughs the café man leaning over to read my name badge, “Okay Ellen, one sandwich it is.” I blushed, laughed and just said I wanted to see how long I could have gotten away with using a different name each day. Not really exposing my fear that somehow they’ll be tracking how often I eat there, what I eat, what meals I prefer, how many calories I intake, and how many pounds that means I’ll gain!! I just simply left it at, I just wanted to play with you crazy café folks. The three sandwich café boys and I are having a good laugh and I think as I walk away with my lunch, we’ll hopefully they’ll forget.

But apparently they’re magically computer tracks jokes too because in the 2 minutes it took to get my sandwich made the entire 10 man cafeteria team learned the story and everyone called me a different girls name as I left with my lunch. I was kindly wished out of the cafeteria with….

“See you later Penelope!”

“Debbie, would you like a receipt?”

“Enjoy your sandwich, Kate!”

“Have a good day, Amber!”

To which I finally waved and curtseyed as I fled the scene of my exposed crime!

Adventure One – Part Two!! In a mad dash to get safely back to the security of my boring desk I took the side exit, the path people don’t walk on thinking, “how can I embarrass myself if no one is there?” But groundskeeper man was waiting! As I walked towards my building he waved across the lawn to get my attention and then he signaled for me to sprint through the sprinklers as I had just moments ago threatened to do someday. He had understood!! And in some dizzying haze of misjudgment and “oh what the heck!” I sprinted out maybe ten yards until he started laughing and then ran back, only to notice about 4 people looking at me like I was a crazy loon!

I probably should have walked over and introduced myself as a new employee, “Ruby McDay.”

Elphaba says, "No good deed goes unpunished!!"

2009-05-22T20:10:00.006-07:00

I had this fun idea at work this week. We are getting a new cafeteria/catering group in and they removed the coffee machines early. This is a serious tragedy. Honestly I spied several people wondering the halls with empty coffee mugs looking lost and forlorn. Productivity took a dramatic drop. And so I hatched my plan. I get a little giddy when I get to be fun and spontaneous. My homies and I put out some coffee, sodas and water with a little sign thanking people, is for fun! A little act of service thanking our peeps for taking care of our peeps! Fun right? As we set it up one of the girls said, “It is kind of like being the Easter bunny.” We were all giddy and chipper. Here is where it takes the ugly turn….

As we are setting up, mind you we had been there maybe 30 seconds we were attacked. Not by a swarm of bees, that would make this story cooler, but by a middle aged woman with manners of a poorly raised 8 year old. She literally stormed the table as though she’d never seen soda pop.

Mz. Thang: I hear you have Dr. P.
Me: Umm, I don’t know. Dig around in there.

So as I finish setting up she literally picks up every single can and puts it back in the ice bucket slowly getting more and more disgruntled as she can’t find a Dr. Pepper.

Ms. Thang: What no Dr. Pepper or Diets?
Me: Well, they are free sodas….

She then proceeded to take a soda, a water and a cup of coffee. I couldn’t help myself.

Me: If you could only take one, more people could get something.

Mz. Thang in her most snide voice: “Oh, I’m sharing with other people in my department.”

Then she just turned and left. No thanks, just turned and flew off back to her high castle in the sky. Here are the list of things that spontaneously and combustively went through my head as she left….

“And then I’d kick her sir!” – Bartok from the movie Anastasia
“No good deed goes unpunished!!” - I’m horribly addicted to the Wicked soundtrack right now.
“Come talking that trash and I’ll pull your card….” - Dynamite Hack - Boys in da Hood
“Adrienne!!” - Rocky
She MUST be Canadian……

That’s right…all in a blink of an eye, that’s how my mind fought back! So take that! “No Dr. P for you!” -Soup Nazi voice.

We call this dance...INTENSITY!!

2009-05-09T22:32:00.004-07:00

My coworker and I have been working a set of meetings for my job. By "working a set of meetings" I mean that we get to set out pamphlets, refill candy bins and throw away other peoples garbage. Listen, I'm important, I have a name tag. Back to the story, on the lunch break for one of these meetings we had the pleasure of the the addition of the loud speaker in the room pumping out some seriously intense music. I mean "Jack Bauer saving the embassy from self imploding while restarting his own pace-maker and make a quiche" intense music. Now I've know this coworker for years now and we rounded the corner to "work the room" and spontaneously went into an unchoreographed intensity pose off!! This music just moved you to move! You had to throw down the two or three Jack moves you knew and we did in unison without ever exchanging a word or a look. She totally owned me. That's how you know, it's good tunes. We giggled, and got to work.

Ok, so here is where it gets good. You know what we noticed as we janitored, I mean secretaried that room? Intense music lead to quicker production Even though it was the same minute and a half of intense music replayed time and time again, it equalled serious results! We were making a room set-up time speed record, even with spontaneous explosive Ninja kicks, intruder spins and imaginary bullet dodges.

As we finished up our duties, attendees of the class arrived and guess what? People danced and posed. That's right! We aren't the only ones. It works on everyone. Think of the implications!! If you just pumped intense music from the heavens for half an hour every day! How much could the world get done? Is that an episode of the Simpsons in the making or what??

And if it didn't work, we came up with two other viable options for the song. Sea World dolphins show, it had a great moment for dolphins to "Jump & Twist!" or line waiting song for the new 24 ride at Universal Studios. Yeap, we cleaned/set up, defended the candy Jack Bauer style and came up with two possible other options for the song. Are we underpaid or what?

Derby is my middle name....

2009-05-01T16:21:00.006-07:00

It's derby weekend! The run for the roses is upon us folks and I am ready, let me tell you!! Start time - check. Horse choices - check. I'm going with Papa Clem. Josh's choice is Freisan Fire. I'm going to try and talk him into betting some house chore on the race. You know dishes for a month or something. Traditional foods - check. I've got benedictine dip mixed and in the fridge. (cucumber veggie dip, it's killer good, let me know if you want the recipe) And the fixings for Derby pie are awaiting race day!

And this year, I've got a little something special. I apparently have decided to take a vacation from my problem by pretending I am a rich racehorse owner. I've decorated the silks my jockey would wear. Dashing, aren't they?

I've picked out the hat I would wear, that I wouldn't blink an eye about spend $225 for. "Shannon, do you like my hat?" (Name that movie!!)

I even tried to figure out what I would name my horse, until I realized there were all these intricate rules. How can racehorse owners on one hand wear these silly hats and then on the other have outrageous rules concerning name creation? I call shenanigans on you race horse owners or America. Shenanigans - now that there is a good horse name.

The devil is a professor

2009-04-27T22:23:00.003-07:00

I learned at church last week that there are over 100 names for Jesus in the scriptures. And this week I learned a new name for Satan. Professor.

I am not naive enough to think that a class called Research Methods should be easy. And it's not. However, how did I go from having 45 minute to an hour of home each week to just finishing eight and a half hours worth of homework for this week?? All so I can write a 32 page, 5421 word document on a hypothetical potential research project that I will never actually research? No lying, there was a moment in class where we all realized, so we're just supposed to make the majority of this up? That's right folks, cause I'm supposed to write 4 letters I'll never mail and make a survey that I'll never survend. (is that even a word?)

In my researchy dream world, I'm reimbursing people for medical expenses. Take that no guidelines!! My research may potentially end up costing more money that it would ever make and I'm okay with that. In my researchy dream world, my research may solve world hunger or stop swine flu or somehow make me famous.

Cause you know what happens when your famous? You have a world premier of your movie in Tempe AZ and they close the freeway for you for 15 minutes at rush hour. You get a six black suburban, two motorcycle cops and one cop car escort to the movie theater. Did you solve world hunger or stop swine flu? Nah! You made a movie. Heroes escort!

Well guess what Wolverine? I can reference like one bad mama jamma. Top that tin man.

Beware....Beware the Shreiking Eels!

2009-04-21T23:45:00.002-07:00

"Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels. "

Anyone else think there is something ominous in the fact that the fridge in my new apartment sounds a little like the shrieking eels Vizzini warns Buttercup about? You don't notice it during the day, but at night when you go in to fill up your water with precious refrigerated water or grab a cheese stick. Oh the wailing!!

I'm going to take it as my refrigerators nice way of reminding me I'm trying to lose weight by terrifying the inner child in me each time I step in my kitchen. Maybe this place has some hidden ROUSes to help me get my dishes done and a sandpit that will force me into timely homework completion.

I think I just wrote a good sales pitch for What about Bob 2. "Dedication by Terror: New Steps to Improving Your Life" by Dr. Leo Marvin.

Inner, Inner Office, Inner Office Pressure!!

2009-04-15T22:10:00.001-07:00

I am not the youngest employee in my office but I am the most technically savvy. It appears that at my job there is a space-time continuum that happens when you reach the age of 40 where you lose 70% of your computer technical abilities. Zoom! It’s just gone. And for some reason, I think it’s kind of cute. I like getting out of my chair to help people make a PDF document, create a folder. Makes me feel helpful and like I did my scoutly good turn daily.

Today I overheard the single best technology conversation:

Him: My blackberry made me change my password this weekend.
Her: I hate that.
Him: The problem was I forgot the password!
Her: Oh No!
Him: Did you know if you try it 10 times with the wrong password that the blackberry erases all of the information on it?
Her: That is quite the consequence!

I cried due to holding in the giggles. I’m laughing even now. Sometime technology just isn’t fair ya’ll. I did tell him I could think of worse consequences. It could have emailed everyone in his contacts all the pictures on his phone. It could of given him a low grade shock each time he put in the wrong password or better yet, it could have exploded. Now that is quite the consequence.

And the winner is.....

2009-04-09T18:06:00.004-07:00

Peep House!

Congratulations to our winner and thank you to all of our lovely contestants. You rock. Watch for your packet in the mail.

Peep Show contestants

2009-04-08T16:00:00.006-07:00

Contestant #1 - Totem Peep!

Note the rare Easter Egge peach flavored peeps, chocolate mousse peep and tulip shaped peep.

Contestant #2 - Peeps at the Air Show!

Contestant #3 - Peep House

Vote for your favorite using the buttons in the right side bar. Good luck contestants!!

2009-04-06T21:38:00.002-07:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Where's all my Peeps?

2009-04-01T22:15:00.004-07:00

I love spring. I love green grass, blooming trees, spring training, the feeling of being twitterpated. (Thank you Bambi for some outstanding lingo!) I love me some springtime. I also love it because it mean Easter, which means Easter candy….which means PEEPS!!

I consider myself a Peeps aficionado. Purely based upon consumption. I am sure I have eaten hundreds of Peeps over my lifetime. I can tell you that without a shred of doubt, chick peeps are better than bunny peeps. The sugar/mallow balance on a chick peep is yin-yang like in its perfection. Bunny peeps there is too much sugar which means too much mess. Also when you separate the bunnies they lose their form, which causes them to lose major presentation points. What do you want to eat? A perfect shaped chick or a deformed bunny? Also…. Don’t waste your time…just buy yellow. If you must, pink than blue. But yellow is the way to go. Classic and tasty, sure the sugar isn’t flavored, but I promise they taste better. Wouldn’t an Iron Chef episode with the secret of Peeps be the best?? And did you know that peeps are an art medium? That’s right….check out the Peeps Show!! Sounds sexy but it’s g-rated I promise….

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/03/21/GA2008032101983.html#

So bring it. I challenge you to a Peep Off. You don’t have to do a diorama just do something fun with Peeps and take a photo or a video and submit it to the competition. Submissions can be sent to me at peepsshow@gmail.com to be posted on this blog. Final submission date of April 7th. We’ll have voting on April 8th, with a winner announced April 9th. Winner will of course have tons of glory and I will mail you a Peeps Prize package with yellow chick peeps and other Peeps paraphernalia.

Game on! Watch for my submission this week!

Moses supposes his toes are roses...

2009-03-27T22:46:00.002-07:00

I come for a line of snorers. We like to be heard even in our quite time. Just a little reminder to all predators that we don’t back down, we sounds vicious even in our sleep. Yes, it also means we can never go in hiding, but we aren’t ninnies!! We roar like lions even when in full relaxed repose. It was part of the noise of the house as you fell asleep growing up. You came to depend on it, as long as it was at least 2 rooms away. We all have limitations. You didn’t realize the intensity Dad had until it was in a room with you. The man is the Niagara Falls of snoring!

At about 16 my family went on vacation, we had the biggest hotel room I have ever seen. It was ginormous! How my Dad managed to find rooms that could sleep 7 people makes him a hero! The sleeping arrangements were creative. Mom and Dad had a bed, I was sleeping with Sister in the other bed. One set of brothers on the pull out sofa and the youngest brother on a sleeping mat on the floor. When you travel with Dad the goal is to fall asleep before him, or suffer the consequences. Unfortunately, I was wound up. I was on vacation!! Sister and I had the giggles. Midnight had rolled around and everyone was asleep except Sister and I, who were now stuck in the vortex of sound that is Dad’s snoring.

Sister said in her whispered voice: “Psst…Ellen, I read somewhere that if you make a noise louder than the snore, the snoring stops.”

Ah Ha!! We had a hypothesis!

Our first brilliant attempt was to flush the toilet. Cause we all know hotel toilets are darn loud! Not Squeeky the Magic Toilet loud, but loud. So I scurried across the room in the pitch dark hurdling brothers, made it to the bathroom and flushed the toilet. To no avail Dad kept it up. So for good measure, I flushed again. Even the double flush was not stopping him. I crept back to bed.

Next we tried to make something fall louder than the noise. I remember jumping on the bed, dropping a shoe, and tossing a tissue box. Nothing. He was in the groove!

Feeling defeated I tried to will myself to fall asleep. And then like a bolt of brilliance out of nowhere Sister just snored as loud as she could. “Waaaaaa! Chooooooo!!” I mean it echoed around the room it was so loud. The ensuing silence was inspiring......unbelievable......hysterical!! We climbed under the sheets like five year old children laughing and giggling and trying to stay quite. She had snored so loud it woke him up. He stumbled around the room for a few minutes, got a drink, settled back in bed and immediately started up the concert again. But we had proved it!! Hypothesis confirmed. A louder noise will stop snoring. This episode of The Wizard of Haws brought to you by Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Style

2009-03-18T22:26:00.003-07:00

All long time ago (almost 2 years now) in a sandwich shop far far away(2 blocks from work), I waited in line with the dear friend GPJ. We stood in line approving of our ability to pick a sandwich shop where all of the Tempe police officers had chosen to come have lunch because let's face it, sandwiches taste better when surrounded by cute officers, am I right ladies??

So we are already girl giggling and as we inch to the front of the line when suddenly the customers part like the clouds in the sky, a ray of light breaks through the window and somewhere a baby smiled. There behind the counter at this little out of the way sandwich shop stood the most attractive courteous sandwich-order-taker boy I'd ever seen. All pierced, tattooed, courteous and minimum waging it. And completely oblivious to his pizazz! So before I can say anything to my girlfriend, it's my turn to order.

Being fully 100 percent in love with my husband, he's a gem - check 3 post back, I wasn't about to make a move. Straight up. But apparently somewhere inside of me just felt the young man deserved to know that he was one heck of a rooster. I placed my sandwich order and then suddenly I said, "I like your overall personal style." Bam! I'd just thrown it out there as he made the change for my meal. It was a totally awkward moment, one of the most awkward of my life as he sort of laughed, thanked me and told me my sandwich would be ready in a minute. I just took my receipt and sort of ran away.

Being as this was all witnessed by GPJ, it's become a legendary Ellen story. We all laugh. Compliment each other's personal overall style when we get new clothes. I still cringe a little every time it comes up...until last night.

We were out for St. Patrick's Day and as we are leaving the pub we pass a pretty handsome little man and no lie, he says to our friend, "I like your style." SHUT UP!! He stole my line! I thought about stopping the train and telling him, "No, no sir. The phrase would be I like your overall personal style." Sheesh, Rookies.